My life…my life’s experiences, Kelly's Story

As I sit and read some of the other stories…my eyes filled with tears.... In disbelief and in sadness of what others have gone through in their lives.My life’s experiences are not so deep . I’m not saying that I have lived a charmed life. But I can honestly say that I do believe I have lived a blessed life. We all have demons that we have fought in our lives...we all have cobwebs buried deep down in our mind… however some thicker than others. I choose to keep my cobwebs buried. I have learned to deal with what has gone on in my past… and choose not to dwell… with only knowing that there is now nothing I can do to change it. My life now has taken on a whole different way of living…we all at times have been forced to travel down roads we do not wish to travel down..These are life’s lessons.. . how we choose to ride it out is totally up to us… as for my experiences… cancer is the one that has challenged our family the most…

Cancer has stricken my family three times.. I have lost an Aunt , my Uncle and now my sister… I lost my father at the age of 17, not to cancer though…but to complications of the way he lived his life…he was 41 when he passed away…he too died so young and still had so much to live for.. Although, I was devastated of the loss of my father nothing could compare to how I felt when I lost my sister to cancer… I felt a part of my life had also died along with her..

As we grew in to adults, we learned to appreciate what we had with each other. We still had our disagreements and our fights… but we also knew that we would always have each other to turn to…and that we would always be there for one another when needed. When she was first diagnosed …we were all in shock and thought that there was no way that God could be doing this again to our family… at least that was what I was hoping for.

At first we thought she could beat this… we had heard of so many success stories about Breast Cancer and didn’t see any reason not to believe that she couldn’t over come this. But as the months passed and she became sicker and sicker we knew that it would eventually take her life. I will be honest in telling you that before all of this hit our family I did not pay too much attention to any of the sites that offered support or asked for donations because it did not at that time affect my life. I know it was a selfish thing.. I could see it was all around me .. I would hear of someone who had passed from cancer I would stop and pause for a moment say “oh how sad” and then continue on in my life. Now I have a whole different attitude and have hit a higher level of respect for those who have taken the time out of their lives and who have struggled with this disease and chose not to be selfish, but to open their hearts and their lives to help others to raise awareness of this devastating disease. I admire both their strength and their courage. I am so thankful to those who are pushing forward to help make a difference and to give all those who have lost their lives a voice… to give hope to others…that someday we will all be able to live a life cancer free. Your selfishness, and your kindness shine through…and I personally thank you from the bottom of my heart. Cancer has most definitely changed our lives… and now I have to realize that the life I once lived is gone… and would now have to learn to live my life without my sister… a couple of months ago….

I was sound asleep and was awakened by something… … fear?…maybe…felt kind of eerie…someone’s presence other than my own? Almost a sense of someone being there with me in the room.. . the unknown ???I woke up dripping in a cold sweat…felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest… almost in a panic…came to the realization for the first time since my sister passed….that my sister is dead and was not coming back. So many emotions… what an empty feeling I had inside …my breathing so heavy … my heart never so empty… for the first time. I cried and cried hard … not for her kids, or for my mom…but for myself… never in my life had I been more scared, or had felt so alone in my life...uncertain....worried....and more so frightened. Scared of what the future would bring.... thinking to myself… do I want to Live In Fear Everyday… do I want to Defy Every Attempt To Heal…which oddly enough as you can see spell out Life and Death...

These are the thoughts that were going through my head…. I thought to myself… am I losing it… am I coming apart at the seams…am I crazy?? Come on now I am a 47 year old woman… why am I not able to get through this. I know death is a part of life… the two come hand in hand… you’re born… you live… and you die… why am I struggling with this? Why can't I accept that she is gone...and that I should be moving on in my life? But am having a hard time in doing this... again am I crazy??? Then I remember thinking...reality check...Life after death does go on... so what seemed like forever I finally stopped crying. Finally got myself calmed down… and thought… if I have to live everyday in fear… that’s OK.. Life is scary…I would much rather live in fear... than to die knowing I had never lived at all.

And as for the part of defying every attempt to heal… came to realize that I am not defying it at all… I am taking each day as it comes. I am living each moment as it passes by...I know in my heart that with each day it will get easier…and finally...know now that I am healing… and that she will always be in my heart. A sense of calmness came over me… and realized she came to me… in her own way...reassuring me...letting me know that everything will be OK....

Thank you Christina for letting me share a part of my life… you, Mary and Indigo, have inspired me in so many ways…and have helped me more than you’ll ever know…

Kelly~

http://kelly-reminiscenceoftheyesteryears.blogspot.com/