Life Lesson #200 ~ Jealousy

"When people are intimidated  by your strength and happiness, they'll try and break you down, and break your spirit. Remember, it's a reflection of their weakness, and not a reflection of you." ~ Free Spirited

We have a saying here in the South. Truthfully it's probably where 'Bless your heart' originated. See, while we're biting our tongues, mama's raisin' isn't forgotten. When folks are acting all high and mighty and being ugly we simply remind ourselves to kill 'em with kindness. Lord have mercy! This task may be really difficult at times, but the truth is, you catch way more flies with honey than you do with vinegar, that's for sure. Now when it comes to those who ain't acting like they got good sense or feeling the need to make a mountain out of a molehill, well you just gotta remind yourself, "more Jesus, less drama." Mama didn't raise no fool... I can assure y'all of that. When gossip shows her ugly face it's just best to be a day late and a dollar short even if that means being called late for lunch. How does the old saying go? "Entertain a clown and you become part of the circus." No thank you. Not my monkeys, not my circus. There's simply no need to be wrastlin' with back biting. The Word of God says clearly in 1 Peter 2:1. "Be done with all deceit, hypocrisy, jealously and all unkind speech." The reality is those folks talkin' bad about you, behind your back are intimidated by your light. And truthfully these folks spread lies, gossip, even gas light you in the hopes others won't find you so captivating and engaging. The key to happiness? It's hightailing it out of Dodge when drama comes to town. Lies, sadly spread faster than truth any day of the week.  And whoever said, "Haters will see you walk on water and say it's cause you can't swim," well they nailed it right on the head. Now, let's just get this out there and possibly have a hallelujah come to Jesus meeting. When it comes to my Texas drawl and southern accent, expressions and platitudes I wouldn't mistake any of 'em for ignorance. Yes I was raised here in the South. Texas is my home. I'm a butter my buns and call me a biscuit kind of girl; but in no way am I unread, ignorant, uncultured, backward or unenlightened. Sure I may talk funny. I'll give you that, but I'm confident in who I am in Jesus Christ. Yeah, I learned early on by trial and fire some folks are just gonna hate you no matter what. The truth though is it's all nonsense and just a bunch of monkey business and baloney no matter how you look at it. Growing up I may have needed to be hit over the head a few times to comprehend what my mama was telling me. She'll be the first to tell you too. I can't deny she probably felt like pulling her hair out on occasion, but to her credit I did finally grasp the truth of these words. "Be fearless when it comes to life, and careless when it comes to what peoples say and think about you."

I think one of the most memorable moments of my life came when we were living in Hollywood Florida. I was five and in kindergarten. My dad was stationed in the Fort Lauderdale area in 1978 as a recruiter. We'd moved into a small but spread out home in an even smaller neighborhood. I had a back yard. There was a charming if not completely beat up road out front and I had one friend next door. Or at least I saw it that way. She was my age and we'd spend hours playing together. The thing about our friendship though, it never included sharing. She would come over, take all my toys out and just leave. When I was in her house, her toys were off limits. Who could have known then this was simply practice for real life, right? But it was. I didn't understand her ways at the time, but I accepted her and loved her as she was. Then one day she decided she wanted something of mine I was not willing to give up. This was a first. She was used to getting her way and I said the one word off limits...NO. Unfortunately, before I knew what had happened, she'd hit me in the head with a golf ball.  OK, yeah. Maybe this was the time to reconsider our friendship right? Nope, not me. My grandmom was flabbergasted, and my mom in shock when I offered forgiveness and grace. Eventually we moved but I never forgot those lessons I learned there. The truth is as an adult I've come to understand you can't keep giving chances or allow your life to be trampled on just to make someone else happy. Truthfully this scenario makes no one happy. All it really does is continue the dysfunction. Looking back now some 39 years later I see what was really going on. This little girl I called my friend was simply if not rather straight-forwardly hurting inside, full of pain, rage and lashing out. She was angry inside, and jealous in many ways of the life I honestly was taking for granted as a 5 years old child. Her home was filled with hot tempers, angry words and fighting. She was given anything her heart desired and was never told no at day in her life. That is until I did. Everything was to make her happy and keep her quiet. And no this was not love in any way shape or former. Although I'm sure her parents did love her.  Sadly and truthfully they really had no time for her. See I was living the life she really wanted. I had my mom's undivided attention, my daddy's time and together I had their unconditional love. I was told no, quite often too. I was disciplined and hugged at the same time. And when she realized all the toys in the world couldn't give her what I had, she retaliated. Truly I took away a major life lesson that day as I held an ice pack to my head. Happiness can not be imitated. It's  not a tagline or something we own. Happiness is something we embrace. I saw all my friend had materially. I could have been jealous but by God's grace my 5 year old self recognized her happiness was simply an imitation. And I took that lesson with me. If you want your life to be the exception you can't be an imitation, ever. Now on the other hand, I did have to learn to walk away from nonsense and fake news the hard way. Yeah, I'll say it 'cause it's true. I'm rather hard-headed. And as you can tell, I didn't give up this characteristic too easily either. I've had to learn this particular lesson more times than I can shake a stick at. And just what is this thing  pray tell I speak of? Well, the truth is, too many folks can charm the dew right off the honeysuckle. And I fall for it every time, Lord knows. It's true, I'm a sucker for second chances. For years I'd allow bad behaviors in others to affect my life and with no boundaries and no consequences either. I guess you could say second chances have never been a real problem for me. For years I tended to hand out 7, 8 and 9 away before realizing I was acting a fool. The old joke, 'Why is 8 afraid of 7' has a fairly valid point. I mean if 7 ate 9 then why in the world is 8 still hanging around? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I mean what a debacle, right? Eight's facing a complete fiasco if he sticks around. Yet poor eight just keeps hanging around, never sure when seven's jealousy will rear his ugly head and gobble him up too. This is truly a case of too much ego killing talent. The thing is, seven is simply insecure. After all isn't that what jealousy really is? As Oprah Winfrey says it, "You can't be friends with someone who wants your life." And this is truly how I see the Evil Queen in Disney's 1937 animated version of Snow White.

Now before we delve too deeply into the Evil Queen's story of jealousy and envy, I think we should take a look at who she was so covetous of in the first place...Snow White. Why the Queen was so insecure is anyone's guess really. Some folks are just born this way, or they choose to be so. Either way they're like black holes sucking the light out of everything and everyone around them. And those few whose light appears to shine brighter than theirs will ultimately be removed one way or another. Attention... greed and deception become the norm. I mean Twill puts it perfectly in my way of thinking. "Tooting your own horn does not make you a musician any more than creating your own drama makes you an actor." For right now though let's look at Snow White's character. She was none of those things above. Snow was called the fairest one of all by the Magic Mirror and not because she was seeking out attention or a title. Why did the Mirror call her name out to the Evil Queen? Well, simply because of Snow's beautiful inside, not just outwardly. She's gentle and optimistic even in the middle of hardship. This brown eyed girl with rosy cheeks is hopeful and thoughtful. Snow's authentic, expressing a sweet, affectionate and playful spirit in everything. She's also kind, innocent and enthusiastic about all of life. And while she's usually sympathetic and polite, Snow's also carefree even when the Evil Queen plots her end. She loves to sing and dance and to throw a party. Cooking is her thing and helping others comes just as natural as getting up and out of bed every morning. Unfortunately though for Snow White the Queen in turn hates her for one reason and one alone. Snow White is everything she wants to be and can't. By todays terms she'd be called a hater. And why do these folks hate so much? Simply put, the Evil Queens of this world despise themselves and anyone who sheds light upon their desperate state of affairs. They despair the dark and empty spaces deep inside their own black hearts and are yet unwilling to change. You have to understand this fact. If you're a light bearer inside the Evil Queen's realm you must be prepared for her backlash of suspicion, insecurity, bitterness and resentment to strike you down whenever the fancy suits her. Her life is spent locked away in her tower, inside the presence of the Magic Mirror. He speaks in lies as if they are truth. Because of this, much like Snow White you'll eventually find yourself banished and a target of her rage, cruelty and of course,  poisonous apples by no fault of your own. Snow White fell into this same trap. She was so hated by the Queen she found herself face to face with her Huntsman, ordered to kill Snow White. Reluctant, he tells Snow of the Evil Queen's intentions, warning her, "She's mad jealous of you. She'll stop at nothing!" And as in real life when it comes to drama queens, she indeed stopped at nothing going as far as turning herself into a hideous ghoul. And why? Well, first Snow White is a reflection of all the Queen wishes to be and never can. And secondly, the Magic Mirror she's so dependent upon to justify, authenticate and corroborate her delusional world, fails. Instead he confirms and verifies the Queen's worst fears. Snow White is still alive and has taken her place as the fairest one of all. How? Simply by being kind, loving and bright. God actually explains this to us in very real and tangible terms in James 3:16. "For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind." And this is exactly what we find inside the Evil Queen's heart, is it not? Her heart is turned so dark it's completely consumed by jealousy and hate... so much so in the final scenes she's found plotting Snow White's death as a solution to her madness. Sadly in the end, all she really does is contribute to her own painful demise and fall from grace.

Now in the South we have a saying. It goes like this. "Pretty is as pretty does." Are you wondering what I am?  So would the opposite be ugly is as ugly does? I mean it's an interesting thought really. Being beautiful has nothing to do honestly with being either physically stunning or insanely pretty outwardly. I know as a society we place way too much importance on things like that. But truly, I've found myself those who shine the brightest are the ones who have developed a sense of individuality and expression...those whose awkwardness and imperfections aren't hidden but displayed openly. I mean look at the Queen herself.  She's miserable, broken and unfulfilled. Her character isn't merely flawed or tortured. No this Ol' Granny is so broken she's angry with Snow for being whole. Seriously, the Wicked Queen is rightfully named. The evil within her soul is insane, is it not? The Queen's nature is flat out sadistic and ruthless. Without batting an eye Queen Grimhilde's makeup is completely obsessive. And as for her temperament? She's sinister, vain, devious, callous and conniving. Pretty much the reason Snow White's the sole object of her step-mother's hatred has to do with how other's love her. Finally, in the Evil Queen's desperation she moves to rid herself of Snow White's existence by turning  herself into a haggard, old woman. The saddest part of this scene is knowing this is the Queen's actual internal image, this is her reality.  The Evil Queen's transformation is unbelievable. One moment she's a beautiful woman and in the next an ol' Granny. Worse and even more startling is the sudden knowledge this figure standing before you is a true reflection of the Queen's black heart and it's manifesting itself quickly. This darkness within her isn't hiding beyond walls, or even a Mirror any more. No, this vile and foul wickedness is finally consuming her soul for breakfast. In her true physical form the Evil Queen's quite stunning, beautiful even, but her need for total dominance and absolute control has consumed her quite literally. The problem now is she's too busy comparing herself to Snow White. In this, she's proved ultimately, left unchecked, jealously destroys everything beautiful, good and kind within us. Jealousy plain and simple is the devil's bedfellow. And I for one have no desire to climb into bed with a raving lunatic like that! Shannon Thomas really gives us a good look into the soul of the Queen, even if she doesn't intend to. "Toxic people project their own character defects into their victims. They do this by accusing them of the exact actions they themselves do but deny."

I personally believe if we look closer into the Queen's reasoning or rather the lack of, we'll  find she's good at casting blame around like a wide net, full of manipulation off set by self-denial. The truth is she's never known or felt real love. The reality of her circumstances is she's unable to hold onto anything real, for long anyway. By the looks of things most of her longstanding relationships at best are neither on good terms or bad. They simply aren't anything to paraphrase Jeigo. The saddest part of this story is the Queen's never learned self-control. She's never been told no or taught limits, given consequences for unkindly behavior or provided boundaries. Anything she asks the Mirror, he gives forfeiting all ramifications. Truthfully she's got no idea how to actually deal in reality. Instead she chooses a warped fiction based fairytale world much like my friend next door did all those years ago. As for our Evil Queen here, her life is overflowing with corruption and a manipulative ego at best. She's trapped herself inside her own conceit and envy. Her desire to be the only one, the fairest of them all leads to the near destruction of the very Kingdom she's longed to reign over. Her only confidant, a Magic Mirror, fearing his own demise, very cautiously professes lies as truth continually allowing her to embrace this delusional reality. Of course that is until he lets it slip Snow White's true place within her kingdom. And boy howdy, this doesn't go over very well with the Queen! Her hatred for Snow only increases. Jealousy, intimidation, obsession, darkness, cruelty and poison take on an even greater role. Now her daily consumption of hate means devouring her own poisonous apples. The reality here reveals her own insecurity, rage and even more needless drama. And all by her own envious and spiteful behavior. Deceptive words and actions lead her to Snow's hiding place. Ironically this is where the truth of Andre Malraux's words ring true. "Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides." Hidden behind a mask the Evil Queen comes to Snow White's door carrying  a basket of poisonous apples. Her goal without pretense is to steal, kill and destroy what she herself cannot possess...Snow's kindness and purity of heart. This Queen, well she simply resides inside a kingdom built upon the backs of others. The Magic Mirror is her only friend. She's nothing on her own, and she knows this. And for this same reason she's haunted by drama, constant chaos, selfishness, bitterness, gossip, anger and loneliness. Every bit of ugliness she's holding onto inside continues to blacken her once pure heart. She's not only jealous but she's covetess of anyone who reaches success without her consent. This is really the sad state of so many today though is it not? All it takes is a scroll down Facebook or Instagram. One quick look and we see the effects of hate. Whatever happened to good will? Rupi Kaur pins the tail on the donkey so to speak. "Learning not to envy someone else's blessings is what grace looks like." So where is grace in all this?

I think we can actually find a glimpse of grace, redemption and restoration in ABC'S Once Upon A Time's storyline. Regina Mills, aka the Evil Queen, puts a real life spin on this particular character. She's a villain and she plays it well, an antagonist for sure. She's pretty straight - forward an  honest with her intensions. She's also truthful when it comes to the state of her heart explaining. "I am a creature of grief and bitter longings. There is an empty place within me where my heart once was." Like her name's sake in the original film she's quite cunning and ruthless with one goal, Snow White's unhappiness. She's very clear she doesn't care one bit about anyone else's happiness but hers. Or the fact that her happy ending "looks like Snow's head on a plate." This is classic Regina. She's angry, bitter and out for revenge at any and all costs. And she almost succeeds with her diabolical plan. But then something happens she never expected. She finds real, true and unconditional love. For decades she's held a grudge against a child whose only sin was simply living. The reality is Regina's character fears being alone and yet she can't help but push those who would love her away. On Once Upon a Time you finally begin to understand this villain has a bigger story behind her name. She's been slighted, and in her loathing and grieving she's given herself totally over to  anger, resentment and bitterness. Regina certainly has a way with words doesn't she? She gets her point across rather well. But she's clearly full of regret even in her sarcasm. Suggest something she doesn't like and you may just get a good dose of it too. I mean how many villains do you know who flat out look at you and asks mockingly,  'You'll win her over with your rainbow kisses and  unicorn stickers?" Seriously this woman detests anything resembling real love. And why is that? Well I think it's because she feels robed of her own happy ending so long ago by 10 year old Snow White. And in her sense of loss, grief and the belief she's been abandoned her heart's been turned black as night. In the years following this fateful day Snow White and her step mother have sadly become bitter enemies. Regina's determined to take everything from Snow, including her life. Again, why? Simple, the Queen feels robbed by a child who had no control over the circumstances surrounding the originating offense. Regina's plum eaten up with jealously and revenge. I can't even imagine how exhausting that must be! If I was Regina Millls of Storybrook I'd be tuckered out by now. Who has enough time or an endless supply of energy to live like that anyway? Gepetto does try to get through to The Queen himself at one point, imploring her to listen asking her this. "Has it ever occurred to you that maybe this quest of yours is ill-fated? After ruining everyone else's happy ending, what makes you think you deserve one of your own?" But the truth is she does. And yes happy endings do exist but we must work for them. Snow White makes this point very clear when she explains, "Your happy ending may not be what you expect. That is what will make it so special." And she's so right, Life is not what we think it is, but what we make of it. Regina finally realizes this and makes the decision to change or self-destruct. The Evil Queen simply becomes Regina, daughter, sister, mother and friend. Why? Well I think she tells it best, "Despite everything I'm still human." See redemption and grace comes to our villianous Queen in the form of Snow's daughter Emma. Instead of continuing to fight Regina or the Evil Queen, Emma begins to chip away at her black heart, filling it instead with kindness. Regina's been so used to hate crippling her she's taken by surprise when Emma offers her friendship. And as for Snow and The Queen? Getting along all the time is not foreseeable, but aligning their hearts becomes possible. In the bigger picture these two become more than friends, they become family. And all the chaos and the struggle, well none of it has been in vain. As it's explained between past bitter enemies, "The only way I could stay alive was to never give up. You taught me how to have faith. You are the one who taught me that hope is a choice."

You see Emma had a choice. She could've continued hating Regina, fighting her resentment and hostility. But she didn't. Instead she offered The Queen forgiveness and grace. I really like the way Najwa Zebian explains the choices we're given when faced with revenge. "Don't give them a taste of their own medicine. They already know what it tastes like. Give them a taste of your medicine. If they lied, let your medicine be honesty. If they played with your emotions, let your medicine be maturity. If they broke you, let your medicine heal. If  they made you cry, let your medicine make them smile. These remedies of yours may take years to work, but they work. And they last. So be patient. Stay true to yourself. And remember this: it is better for people to value you for who you are, not for who you pretend to be. Who you are lasts a lifetime. Who you pretend to be changes like the change of seasons. Don't be afraid to be yourself, even if it means removing yourself from lives that you want to be in. You are, no doubt, worthy of being valued for who you are. So be who you are." I believe one of our greatest challenges in life is seeing ourselves through God's eyes. The true test comes when God Himself asks us to put away the lies and made up stories we've been holding onto since we can remember. And this is what happens when Regina finally takes responsibility for her own misery and torment. Emma kept her true north and in doing so became a light for Regina. The once Evil Queen ultimately found her true self and changed her story, becoming a hero. Despite Emma and Snow's justified anger, they offer forgiveness. Instead of hate for hate, together they do something right out of the Bible itself...they show kindness. 1 Peter 3:9 tells us, "Don't repay evil for evil. Don't retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and He will bless you for it." So yeah, there's quite a big lesson here just waiting for us to unpack and pay attention to. Grace is a gift God offered each of us, but not necessarily something everyone accepts. Anyone can hate and plot revenge. Anyone can step into the Evil Queen's footsteps just as easily as Snow White's. Not everyone is capable of forgiveness. The choice is ours.

I know I've spoken here in length today but sink or swim this discussion is long overdue. Today marks my 200th post since the start of these little life lessons. Three years ago I began a new chapter in my life and with each and every entry I've exposed a piece of my heart. Today, as I started writing Life Lesson #200 I realized it was time to bare a little more of my soul too. Grace, forgiveness and kindness are truly the backbone of happiness. Anger, jealousy, and bitterness only lead further into darkness, loneliness and resentment. I am a child of hope and optimism. I am my mother's daughter.  I am a Dowling, and I am an Olachia.  I am Christina with a C. And nothing, I mean nothing will ever change this truth. What I want to leave you with today is this: "I AM , two of the most powerful words. For what you put after them shapes your reality." Remember this each and every time you chose to look into the mirror. This is my story, who I AM. I have my own happy ending, just as you do too. In the end how will your story play out? What will the Author of this life have to say about the way you've spent it? The truth is you have the power to change your story. And with three simple words too...I am enough. As far as any old spinsters lurking at your door go, if they're offering perfectly red, sweet and delicious apples...RUN!

"Jealousy only eats up your beauty. Have more faith in yourself, you got something that other people don't." ~ Unknown

~ Merida Grace