Life Lesson #199 ~ Touch the Sky

"Every test in our lives makes us bitter or better, every problem comes to break or make us. The choice is ours whether we become victim or victor." ~ Unknown

This month marks my 11th year recognizing BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH. To be honest the color pink is not really my thing these days. I'm more than a number and far more than any color can define me. I'm a Survivor, and as such I understand the importance and necessity of honoring and recognizing all those who have fought and won this battle as much as remembering the lives of those taken far too soon. And so today I want to share some personal thoughts with you. Truthfully, I'm in a much better place than I was a decade ago. I've learned to accept my scars and to live free from fear. But this hasn't been an easy task, let me tell you. So today, why don't you come with me, back a ways. I think maybe it's time my story is told fully, not as a victim but as a woman who's come to terms with her battle, overcoming the pink label attached to my name some 11 years ago.

As a little girl I was a bit headstrong. I saw myself as much more than a redhead. My freckles and rosey cheeks were just part of my God- given natural makeup. I had no clue red hair and blue eyes were a rarity. I was just me, Christie with an i.e. and big dreams. I simply saw life through a certain set of uncanny and curious eyes, honestly. I had this feeling inside I was off-beat I guess but none of that ever bothered me. I had imagination and dreams. From my point of view, I couldn't understand what more I really needed. Sure I was an only child, but my life was eventful to say the least. My Southern Granny used to call my parents and I street rats because we were always on the go. This life of mine dissected into parts, broken down into pieces would barely begin to tell my story, or scratch the ice that's undeniable. If my tale was unfiltered, shown in it's entirety, unabridged and uncut it would be rather exhausting. For many the highlight reel or a simple trailer might be just enough of a glimpse to get the full picture. Pretty much the life of this redhead has never been boring, that's for sure. Everyday held something new. I have often thought if my life played out as amovie it would be interesting for sure, and probably lively, action-packed, busy and entergenic. Now that's not to say it wouldn't have slow-moving, unhurried and downright boring parts as well. In a nut shell my life as a whole hasn't been exactly untroubled, but it has had it's sleepy, restful and calm moments along the way too. I was raised with an enthusiasm for life. I was given purpose. I listened to the stories of others around me, and I understood not all were as blessed as I, even if I was destined to fight demons of every kind, on every side of me. I learned early on, "Life is to be enjoyed not just endured.' (Gordan B. Hinckley) The good news? In spite of the hardships God was in control. And yeah, growing up inside the home I did, I had a brilliantly clear picture of how blessed I truly was. No, I'm not just fortunate, lucky or favored. I'm loved, blessed and have a part to play in something much bigger than myself. I can't deny my whole life I've been given the unconditional love of my family everyday. I've been blessed and loved for sure and maybe sheltered to a large degree too but let me make this clear. While I've always been free to choose my own path I've never shielded from the consequences of those choices. As a child I was taught the value and importance of a hard days work. I reaped the blessings of a very full and passionate life...no one can argue that. The significance of family, sacrifice and forgiveness has been a daily, expanded and hands on lesson. I 've lived my life singing out loud, reading and dreaming of places far, far away. As a little girl I was given the gift of imagination while still being grounded in the truth. I was taught to never go to sleep angry, to offer an apology first and to never cut my nose off in spite of my face just to have the last word. I was most certainly  scolded and reprimanded there's no doubt about it, but I was also hugged, held and shown grace more often than I can count. Kindness has always been practiced daily in our home and Jesus, well He's always part of the conversation, close by, near to my heart.

Being high-spirited and rather determined as a child, I lived without fear when it came to adventure. I loved the outdoors, climbing trees, running through the woods and playing in the mud. I was quite free-spirited and willful I suppose but I was also kind-hearted, quirky and quick-witted, if not a tad bit odd, unconventional and slightly unusual. I did things differently than most other girls of my time. I was just never into labels, brand names, gossip, drama or embellishing the truth. I saw those things as nonsense and hogwash, even as a little girl. I've always been this way though right from the start. Probably a good reason I'm so gullible to this very day. I mean if you stretch the truth out like a good shirt you eventually ruin it right? I've spent most of my life bucking the system, pushing back against expectations and swimming upstream. What was it Vincent van Gogh said? Oh yes he said, "Normality is a paved road: It's comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow." Normal, what's normal really? Normal has always  just been very overrated to me. I was brought up to live my own life, no on else's. Till this day my mama and daddy are true still believers in originality. They've taught me by example never to go with the flow. Being both genuine and individually yourself is a lesson I soaked up like a sponge and took to with ease growing up. Truth is, being unique in our home isn't a novelty. It's real life. My parents can see a knockoff or a imitation copy a mile away and truly I'm thankful they've always steered me down the less traveled road. I was taught to follow my own path and told never to be ashamed of who I was or where I came from. As a mom myself I can appreciate how much my parents love me and how they raised me, never pushing or making big choices for me themselves. Instead they simply guided and nudged me along when I got stuck. Truly my folks wanted me to be myself just as Joe Zee explains. "See things in a new way. Be unique, have vision and a point of view." My folks gave me all three and I'll tell you this. From the very start my parents knew they couldn't tame my spunk; but honestly, I really don't believe they would've ever tried. In fact it's my mama who taught me how to be brave. And my daddy? Well he made sure I was well informed, and exceptionally enlightened on this fact. "Never throw the first punch Christie. But you better make sure your little rump throws the last one!" And because my parents have always loved me unconditionally, accepting me as I am and always allowing me to be my own woman, our bonds have grown stronger year after year. Now does that mean we don't butt heads on occasion, disagree or even throw our hands up in frustration? Absolutely not. After all they raised me, they know me and they love me in spite of my fiery, feisty, stubborn redheaded ways.

Going back, blasting to the past I'm grateful for each and every struggle. Every wound, every one of my scars tells the story of who I am. And no, nothing I've been through is fully going to describe the complete story of who I am. Not my childhood illness, not grief, loss, pain or a thief can steal my life from me. Not even breast cancer could do that! What I've learned personally as a breast cancer survivor is that the comeback is always stronger than any setback. All those moving pieces and parts of my life are simply chapters. Some have been about as useful as a trap door in a canoe I'll agree but long story short, I survived didn't I? My secret? Well it's really nothing earth shattering. The truth is I've learned through experience owning your battle scars gives you perspective. And as one unknown author puts it, "On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100 % and that's pretty good."  I think what's given me so much strength through the years honestly has been my family. They have given me roots, history and a place to call home. Whatever came knocking on our door, we faced together. Who could have known when my daddy first held me in his arms on the day I was born breast cancer would have such a big a role to play in my life? Who could have predicted I'd lose a breast, suffer through 6 months of chemo (TAC to be precise) and look like ET for the majority of a year. Who in their cotton pickin 'mind would have foreseen cancer coming with both barrels loaded for my life? No one truthfully. And while breast cancer did in fact slash my chest to pieces leaving al kinds of scars all over my chest, my shoulders and straight across my spirit guess what? My feet stayed strong, planted on my ground. You see sometimes, "you have to die a few times before you can really live, " (Charles Bukowski) And that's exactly what I've done. What I can tell you God gave me gumption, stubbornness and a willful spirit for a reason. He carved out caverns defyingly deep with struggle and then He turned right around and provided valleys full of trees with deep roots, full of fruit. Jesus Christ taught me to be brave, to trust Him even when I couldn't see one foot in front of the other. And without fail He reminded me each and every day of His promise in Psalm 31:24. "So be strong and courageous, all you who out your hope in the LORD!" My struggle has been real. There are no and's, if's or but's about it. Still despite the road blocks, snags, drawbacks, hazards, risks and difficulties along the way I've held to Romans 8:38-39. "For I am convinced that neither death nor life neither angles nor demons neither the present nor the future nor any powers neither height nor depth nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

As an adult looking back on those early years I'm better able to understand how meaningful Ann Beauttie's words truly are. "To have survived something, as to opposed to have gotten through something --- that's a big difference." See I not only survived type 1 diabetes back in the barbaric stone ages, I overcame bullying, harassment, name calling and the mean girls too. The truth is even as an adult I've continued every day pushing through all sorts of pain and rejection. In the wake of breast cancer, triple negative no less I found my center. Everything Satan has thrown my way, toppled down or even tried to steal from me hasn't moved me and I'll tell you why. God in His inspiring wisdom moved on my parent's hearts from the moment I was born. You see they could've tried and shape or even steer me towards their own hopes and dreams. And they wouldn't have been wrong but they didn't. Instead my mom and dad gave me wings allowing God to direct me, breathing boldness into my life, striking a flame of courage and bravery within my spirit. I may have been born a stubborn, wily girl with a free spirit but I can tell you now I've never been a damsel in distress. I don't know why I was chosen to suffer as I have. I have no clue why God's allowed me to endure type 1 diabetes for the last 36 years, or His reasoning for ever allowing me to face Triple Negative Breast Cancer at the age of 32. All I know is these are the fine details of my life, the plot twists in my story. Honestly I seriously had no idea a young woman my age could wake up one morning with a diagnosis of TNBC. Heck, I didn't even know what it was for goodness gracious sake. I was simply oblivious to the facts. But I found out quickly every 19 seconds somewhere in the world, a case of breast cancer is diagnosed. Without my consent I became one of them. And with the way my life has always played it just made sense it would be a rare cancer and one only accounting for 15-20 % of all breast cancers. Of course TNBC would be my plot twist! I didn't just have breast cancer, oh no I had TNBC. A form of breast cancer which typically tends to be much more aggressive and more likely to recur and oh  yes is even harder, if not more difficult to treat than other forms of breast cancer. Adding insult to injury, there was no targeted therapy for this form of cancer either. So basically what I was told was any chemo burning through my veins was simply a shot in the dark. Seriously I needed that like I needed a hole in my head! I think I just sat there for a good long spell telling the doctor, "I can't hear one lick of what you are saying." Seriously who gets a kick out of a cancer diagnosis anyway? Or for that matter who wants to acknowledge their life is about to get eat up with a tumor? And to put the cherry on top, a tumor no less that's estrogen-receptor negative, progesterone receptor negative and Her-2-nagative. What does all that mean? If you're anything like me, you're sitting there speechless and dumbfounded. I came out of my daze fairly quickly at this point. And when I did I found out all that pretty much means is TNBC doesn't exhibit any of these known receptors. Just great right? But this was my reality and as it was, I faced it. Of course the sting of the beast's bite followed by the  smack across the face helped. By this time I began to understand this was indeed going to be one of the greatest battles of my life. Did you know one in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime? I had no idea. But in 2006  at the age of 32, with 2 small children, I was given my membership card. That was the day I was given my marching orders. With both 7 and 9 year old boys I was facing death's stare. On that cold February afternoon I became one of 24 women that February day within 30 minuets diagnosed with TNBC. I found this new adventure of mine, wanted or not, to be one heck of a challenge. My motto. "If 'I could do cancer, I could do anything." It's just a fact. Allison A.of Cairo Egypt with the American Cancer Society nails it perfectly on the head. "Scars may heal, blood counts may normalize, years may pass. But never again will the simple act of waking up to a normal, boring day as a healthy individual be taken for granted, nor go unappreciated." Personally, I can tell you everything that's happened in my life from being diagnosed with diabetes at the age of 8 in 1981 to pre-term labor in both 1996 and 1999, followed by a stroke and even breast cancer and even lymph edema. But the enemy has never taken the wind fully from my sails. The truth is I may still be a hot stubborn southern mess with a red hair, don't care attitude, but I'm still a survivor. "I'm better because I fought a giant and won. I'm stronger because I had to be, I'm happier because I've learned what matters. I stand taller because I'm a survivor."

The truth is I am a survivor and I'm here today to tell you my story. Like Merida, a favorite of  mine, I'm defiant. In the face of cancer I looked that target up and down, took my bow in hand and let my arrow fly. I was determined, resolved in my mission. Cancer had no chance. I was unwavering in the fact, just as Merida made clear herself, I'd "be shootin' for my own hand." Maybe I'm drawn to Merida simply because she's a redhead like me or maybe it's more than that. Maybe the fact she's a spit fire, and doesn't back down from a fight. I know Brave didn't come out until 2012, a full 6 years after my diagnosis. But after watching this beautifully animated film I was simply taken with the storyline. I related to Merida's determination and her obstinate dedication in defying the norm. Sure bedlam followed. I mean when doesn't it around here anyway? A free-for-all erupted causing all sorts of chaos and havoc. Poor Merida, she's suddenly at odds with everyone around her and no one was exempt, I mean no one. Adamant as she was regarding her freedom she just about chased it over a cliff, almost losing everything. Without realizing what hit her (kinda like the way cancer sneaks up behind you) her whole world was thrown into a tailspin. Her brothers are unexpectedly turned into bear cubs and if that didn't beat all, her mother was turned into a bear too. Before long Merida's running around like a chicken without a head chasing her mother, Queen Elinor, whose now a 13 foot bear wearing her tiara. Seriously how can it get any worse right? But as it goes in life, so it goes in Merida's story. Like we all do, Merida's looking for a means to undo the mess she's created. Unfortunately the more she tries to fix things, the worse they get. She comes close to losing her mother and her brothers all because she's had a falling out with her mother and destiny. Unforgiveness and anger at her circumstances began to dictate her fate. The thing about life, something Merdia grasps as hers swings out of control, is regret is an awful burden to carry. As Merida's story comes full circle she's humbled enough to mend her family tapestry, the very one she tore in anger. Yes her life's restored, as is the rest of her family and clan just not exactly in the way it was before. Disney's Brave, for reasons I cannot fully explain speaks confidently to my heart while gently reminding me of everything cancer has tried to take from me and yet failed. Sure breast cancer changed my life but cancer's never controlled it or my fate. I'll tell you who has though, and that's Jesus Christ. He and my Father in Heaven have always held the reigns, most certainly not cancer or any of  her consorts. When Merida speaks at the beginning of the film I'm reminded how far I've truly come by God's grace and His alone. Her words spoken ever so boldly set the pace, giving strength to her ton regarding what's to come later. I really relate these words to my own life, in the way each and every trail prepared me for cancer's impact later on in my adult years. I think you can be the judge of her words here. "Some say our destiny is tied to the land, as much a part of us as we are part of it. Others say fate is woven together like a cloth, so that one's destiny intertwines with many others. It's the only thing we search for, or fight to change. Some never find it. But there are some who are led." 

Cancer did not led me, Christ did. I do not know why I was chosen for this particular battle, to walk this crazy and forever winding road but I was. And so I fought, picking up my sword, and my bow trusting in my Father's process, in the story He's been writing all along. On my own I wouldn't ever search for this off the beaten path or steep uphill trail I've traveled  but I'll tell you this...I surely wouldn't change the path I've taken so far. I know for myself personally Merida's words always remind me of this very fact. No one can take anything from you or me we're not willing to give up ourselves. So when fear approaches, while it's hounding my spirit, nipping at my heels and pushing my soul around mercilessly I simply repeat Merida's closing words out loud. "Some say that fate is something beyond our command. That destiny is not our own. But I know better. Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it." And so you must see by now my life is a tapestry, torn, battered and sown back together. I have been worn through and through but today I'm more determined than ever to "chase the wind and touch the sky....where the dark woods hide secrets, and the mountains are fierce and bold, deep waters hold reflections of times lost long ago...I will hear their every story, take hold of my own dream." (Disney's Brave, Touch the Sky) And you know why? "Cancer cannot cripple love. It can't shatter hope. It can't corrode faith. It can't destroy peace, It can't kill friendship. It can't suppress memories, It can't silence courage. It can't invade the soul. It can't steal eternal life. It can't conquer the spirit." (Unknown) And I know this to be true because my life hasn't t only been touched by breast cancer, I've lived through it. I know the merciless assault of TNBC on my own body. And while there are some chapters left unread, this is still my story, the life I have lived and the journey I've taken. From the time I was small God has been preparing me for this very battle and I know this without a doubt. As a little girl my mama held me tight, assuring me God had placed a calling on my life, set a purpose in place I'd understand one day. My dad, he encouraged me to write as much as my mama inspired me to sing. They spoke love into my life everyday, never failing me in the pursuit of happiness in spite of difficulty. I realize now, all these years later, my mom felt the conflicts ahead, and still she walked through each and every fire with me. I'm who I am, strong and stubborn because my wings were never clipped. I learned how to fly without a harness and because of this 've truly been capable of overcoming each and every obstacle with my hope intact. Now that doesn't mean I haven't ever been more nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, I mean let's be honest. But it does mean these scars are proof I've lived to tell the tale. The reality is my life's been a constant uphill fight. I've certainly had to find my fightin' spirit, and  early on in life too. I've faced hurdles and battles of all kinds all through my childhood. Who would have known each scrap, every dog fight or even skirmish I found myself in along the way was really  a test to strengthen my fortitude? It's honestly a wonder  I'm still standing truthfully. I've fought my way through more than my share of monsters, ogres, fiends and demons in my 44 years but like Merida in Brave's lyrics, I learned to "take hold of my dreams, be as strong as the seas are stormy." All my scars and battle wounds simply tell my story. Each and every time I look in to the mirror seeing those 6 -7 inches scars times 2 across my chest I'm reminded Satan tried to break me, but instead he failed. It's a fact illness has tried time and time again to overtake my body. Death's knocked on the door and the enemy's been camping just outside the fence walls. Ya, it's all been rather life altering to say the least but let me make this clear absolutely none of it has defined me.

And so Life Lesson #199 ~ Touch The Sky speaks boldly from my heart. October is Breast Cancer Awareness month and as such I wanted to share my story with you today. Pink is the color of the month, and our voices are heard louder than very during this time of year. But the reality is for breast cancer fighters and survivors, awareness is an everyday issue. Marcia Smith comes about as close to the truth as anyone can."Cancer is not a death sentence, rather is a life sentence; it pushes one to live." And so I chose to close this entry today Psalm 55:22, "Give your burdens to the Lord and He will take care of you." It may take you a little longer than some, but you'll get there. Just get moving, cross those monkey bars, climb that mountain, touch the sky and chase the wind. Be bold, stay determined, stubborn and strong-willed. The truth is no matter how many scars are scattered across your body you can and will make a difference. You are the difference my friend! Never forget that. Pink is great. I say embrace it, wear it but know this, it will never define you. You define you. I know nothing makes sense in the moment but one day I can promise you it will!

"Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we'll ever do.' ~ Brene Brown

~ Merida Grace