When our mom was diagnosed with breast cancer I was really scared she was going to die. I saw my mom struggling. That bothered me. Mom was always in control and it made me nervous to see her struggle so much with something so bad. I had never seen her so weak before. I tried hard to be strong for her. When I was feeling the worst and needed to get my mind off the cancer I would go outside.
I was nervous a lot and so I had to go see the school counselor almost everyday. I didn't mind that so much because Mrs. Z was always good to me. My brother Micah and I went to a special group for kids whose parents had cancer. Other days I just went to see Mrs. Z because I needed to get away from everyone. Sometimes I just needed to sit and be still. I liked that Mrs. Z let me do that. My teachers worried about me. I just couldn't concentrate .School was really hard for me too. Mrs. S and Mrs. N took good care of me though. I knew they cared about both my mom and me because they asked about her a lot.Our family really struggled during those times. I heard my mom and dad talking about money all the time. I worried sometimes about how they were going to pay the bills. My school helped a lot. A lot of the people in my school even made us meals. They didn't let us go without anything!
I spent so much time worrying if my mom was going to die. I couldn't wait to go home to see my mom, but I was scared to hurry home at the same time because I didn't know if she was OK. I never knew if she was going to be in the hospital or if she had died while I was in school. My grades dropped for a while too. I just couldn't think of anything else. I would ask both my Mom and Nana a lot if Mom was going to die.
When Mom's hair feel out it was hard on me. I hated that part of it. I was embarrassed to. I felt bad about that, but I was shocked to see my mom bald. I didn't know what my friends would think. Micah was OK with it right away. He liked to rub mom's head while she slept. Mom wore a wig once, but Micah pulled it off. It was kinda funny. Mom laughed about it but she didn't wear a wig anymore. Micah was little. He was only 6 years old back then. I was sad when Mom had to have surgery. I hated the days I knew she had to go to the hospital. I cried a lot too. I didn't want to lose my mom. I loved to climb in bed with her and listen to her sing to me. Snuggling was what made me feel close to her. I never wanted that to end.
The best memory I have, the one thing that really bonded us was the time we spent at Disney World. My Nana and Paw Paw took all of us in June 2006. My Mom, Dad, my brother Micah, my grandparents and me all went together. We had a lot of fun. It was like we took a break from all the chemo and the scary stuff. We laughed, and had so much fun. My mom only got sick a couple of times too. We were there to make memories. I was 9 then. I am 12 now. I realize now we were there to say goodbye to mom just in case. I didn't know that then, I do now. The night before we left. Mommy started crying right there on Main Street. She said the music, the castle and seeing us so happy made her realize the moment could be the last she spent surrounded by us, her family and the magic. Mom even made Nana promise to take my brother Micah and I back if something happened to her. I felt like a kid, not a scared kid, but a regular one. No one starred at us. No one looked at us like we were strange. We were a normal happy family, not a cancer family. It was just a little while but it was nice.
Now we celebrate her life and everyday we have with her. I worry my Mom is getting sick again, but I know together we can be strong. Disney World is a apart of our family, our history and our memories. Disney will always be those things to us because no matter Mommy's outcome we will always celebrate her courage.
Now my life is different. I'm in 6Th grade. I still talk to the counselor sometimes. I'm not scared anymore, but I do worry. I don't want to grow up without my Mom. I want to have her here with me forever. I asked her once why God let this happen to us. Know what she told me? She said that God knew we were strong enough to handle it. So I want to be strong. I will walk every year for a cure and wear pink for my mom. I will always do that. I will always be strong for my Mom, always.
--- Joshua
hi joshua, my name's sugar, & i'm a cancer survivor like your mom! every day is a new day, & we live it one day at a time. we hope for the future, & we're thankful for the present. But no matter what happens, we are given this day, this day to express our love & praise God for the things He has given us.
ReplyDeleteyou are a remarkable young man, you wrote this entry so well...but then, you have a remarkable mom. she has inspired soooo many people throughout the world. you asked why God let this happen, maybe this is why...so others that are in pain or in doubt, could learn through her courage.
God bless all of you, saying a prayer that the future will be bright, but no matter what, just know that your mom is exceptional & loved by many.
sugar
I don't have children Joshua, but if I did, I'd want a son like you. Your feelings for your Mom were constructed so beautifully in this essay.
ReplyDeleteYes, be strong for your mom, but be a kid having lots of fun too
:-). Because one of your Mother's greatest joys is seeing you joyful. ~Mary
Joshua,
ReplyDeleteI'm sitting here in tears...my heart breaks for all that you have had to endure....but you know something ....you know what a blessing it is have your Mom with you & what an amazing & wonderful Mom she is. There's lots of kids that grow up that don't know how blessed they are to have a Mom that is healthy. They probably just take their moms for granted ...never realizing how fortunate they are. They probably aren't close to their moms either.
Through all of this you all are a very close & loving family. You all know the true beauty of life, & you never take life for granted. No matter what the future holds....I'm sure there won't be regrets because you all truly treasure one another. Most people live a whole lifetime never knowing...
I pray for you & your dear family. You are an amazing young man yourself. That is a reflection of the wonderful mother that you have. Like Sugar, I'm praying for a wonderful future for you all!
God Bless You All!
Joshua, I hope you know just how proud you make your mom. We've talked alot about you and Micah. Her world lights up when she talks about you guys. Yes, be strong for your mom. Just know it's ok to have those days when your not so strong. It's a heavy weight for anyone to carry on their shoulders.
ReplyDeleteAs everyone else has said, don't forget to be a kid. Those moments lend your mom strength to. By the way I'm Aunt Indigo. Your mom talks to about you and your brother so often, I feel as though I'm a part of your family. You did a wonderful job writing this. I hope you know if you ever need to talk to me, I'm here for you too. All you have to do is ask your mom for my email addy. (Hugs) Aunt Indigo
Joshua,
ReplyDeleteyour story was wonderful about your mom.. I am so glad that you had people that you could talk to. Having a sick parent is very hard and I think you handled it very well.. you are an inspiration to others your age and sharing your feelings with them will help them know that it's ok to be scared, that is an awesome thing.. I am so glad that your family had that time at Disney World..just being a "normal" family... your mom is an amazing woman with so many wonderful qualities...and from reading your entry I can see she has raised a well adjusted son...but remember don't forget to be a kid... she knows you'll be there when needed .. you and your family have endured so much in the last few years... and the love, courage and togetherness that you have given to one another is truly special... you and your brother are blessed to have her as your mom just as she is blessed to have two wonderful sons as yourself.. thank you for sharing your feelings with us... takes a lot of courage to admit to your weakness' and your fears..I admire you for that... I hope too that you all have many,many blessed years together...
Kelly~
hi joshua, a beautifully written piece. you are a brave soul with lots of courage too. if you cry, it is not weak. there is strength in tears too. you already are a better person for experiencing cancer with your mom. remember to be a kid too and light up your mom's heart with joy and laughter. i'm so happy you all had your Disney trip. those memories will last forever. remember to live each moment, every day fully while at school and with your mom & family. we only have the moment of Now anyway. Joy, laughter, sadness and tears, they're all a part of the journey of Life, treasures we always carry with us. Blessings! hugz~kbear
ReplyDeleteDear Joshua,
ReplyDeleteYour story shows such strength that a Mother would be so very proud of, as I am sure your mom is. I would hope during times such as these my son would share such a caring heart and loving soul. Your a blessing not only to your mom but to many! Take care of you Joshua and those around you. Your Amazing
Joshua, you're a brave fellow. It's natural to be worried about your mom. But it sounds as if you have gotten past the fear and are enjoying each day with your mother. That's about all any of us can do. My wife had breast cancer. And through a lot of worry, I learned that I had to not project about what the future might bring. None of us knows that.
ReplyDeleteJoshua,
ReplyDeleteThank you for telling us how such an experience looks from your side. I think your words could be really helpful to other children that may be going through the same thing within their own family.
Know that we are all thinking of you and your family.
And thank you, for you are an inspiration to us all.
Rebecca
Oh Joshua, I hope your mom is there to walk with you for many years to come. She is a lucky mom to have a boy such as you.
ReplyDeleteerin
Wow Joshua, how brave of you to share this.
ReplyDeleteHi Joshua,
ReplyDeleteI'm so proud of you. I pray for your MoM everyday as well as the entire family because you are all going through this together.
Hugs, Rose