Sugery in the Morning

Well, the day has come. I go into surgery in the morning. 8:30 AM to be exact. I am a bit nervous about it all. I worry about how weak my body has grown physically, but I am staying strong mentally. The chemo has weakened me, yes. And my 25 years with diabetes worries me just a bit.I woke up during surgery #5, so I certainly don't want to go through that again! LOL. I need to get this one over with. Leaving it all in, will just lead to more complications later.

My poor husband's aunt is in the final stages of ovarian cancer as I type. At this point, I have what they think is a benign tumor inside one of my ovaries. It has been causing more trouble than it is worth, so it needs to come out. I also have endometriosis from the chemo. So it is better to take it all out, then to just sit around and wait for trouble. They have decided against hormones, so I am feeling a bit better about that. I will see my oncologist a week out of this surgery. That is always a double edged sword. Every three months, I feel as if I get to sign another extended lease on life when I go in and that is a good thing. I am determined to tackle this and overcome my fear tomorrow. All will be fine.

As for today, I spent the it with my boys, Joshua and Micah. Kept the "friend" off my mind. I also went in for my pre-opp doctors appointment, then had lunch and then had our "talk." The boys are scared that I will not come home. I cried when I had to drop them at my parents house tonight. I hurt so badly for them sometimes. It has been such a roller coaster ride for them both. My parents have been here for us, and that has been a real help. Still it has been tough on them. They really struggled with my chemo and hair loss. I tried hard to keep up, going to baseball games and reading to their classes, etc. But it was hard for them to deal with my "new look." I realized just how hard it was on my oldest last week when I ate lunch with him at school. A few of the girls had been bullying him through the year. Joshua had dealt with it and just kept his distance. Then last week I was sitting there with him. Normally we sit at the parents tables, but there wasn't anymore room so I sat with him at his normal table. We were having a good time, and so were the kids seated around us. Then one of the "girls" asked me who the other lady was that used to come to lunch with Joshua. I sat there stunned for a minute trying to figure it out, and then she said, "The lady with the thing on her head." She was talking about me! My poor son had been bullied because his Mom was sick. My heart sank and then I replied back, "It was me sweetie." She just looked at me and I explained how I had been sick. It was as if a light went off. She then turned to Joshua and asked him why he hadn't said anything. I realized then how hard it has been for my boys. God, how I love my boys. They are my whole reason for fighting so hard. Joshua and Micah are so precious and so brave. They have been such troopers through all this. They were just 6 and 9 when I received my diagnosis. They are both scared about this surgery. Mostly they are not happy with the idea of not being able to come home from school and have me there waiting for them. I have tried to get them ready, but how do you really do that?

Johnny is a mess. He always is just before surgery. We had our normal melt down yesterday. Johnny is Alabama- Coushatta Indian. He is a big guy and can stare you down in a kind of way that makes you want to turn and run for the hills, lol. But deep down he is really a big teddy bear, my teddy bear. Poor guy, he worries about raising the boys alone. He is a good man. Not big on talking things out, but always there to help me through. He is my rock. I remember waking up from my biopsy and seeing him there, holding my hand and his head resting on my arm. I knew right then that things weren't good. All I heard coming out of his mouth was, "Cancer, 5 cm tumor, 6 more specs, it has to go." I passed out following that, lol. Again, when I came home from the mastectomy, he was there for me. Morgen, my dearest of friends was unwinding the bandages, I was crying. Johnny asked me what was wrong, and I replied that I was afraid of what he was going tosee. He just smiled at me, held my hand and told me it wasn't too bad, it just looked a little deflated. I knew then and there it was going to be OK. He is a mess, but then so am I, but together we just make sense! I am still not sure how they are going to make it through the week without anyone around to clean up after them, lol. I may have to come through the door at the end of the week with my hands covering my eyes. Anyway, here we all go. This is for the best and I have accepted that. My best friend, Morgen will be there, as will Johnny and both my parents. That is comforting and I know that they will take good care of each other.

Well, my friends, I will be down for a few days (I come home sometime Friday) but you will be with me in my heart. Thank you each for listening to me and allowing me to simply be me. I look forward to a long future getting to know each of you better!

Christina