One of Those Days

Today has just been one of those days.

My husbands Aunt died yesterday of Ovarian Cancer. I do not know how he feels, as he is the strong, quiet type. I asked to go to the funeral with him and he said he wanted to go alone. I am not sure what to think or how to feel about that. There is so much duress in the family, and having married a woman outside of the reservation, has not helped Johnny's standings with his mother or brother. Actually he has not spoken to her in over 6 years since she asked him to choose his wife and kids or herself. (I know, illogical doesn't even begin to cover that one) He says he does not want a confrontation, and I understand that. (Though, I am in no shape to even entertain a confrontation.) Then there is the fact that she has no idea I have been sick. I just worry about him being alone with her and how his Aunt's death will affect him.

Sadly, this week so far has given me much reason to reflect on life's priorities and our ultimate appointment with death. I have thought about my own immortality, both the boys gerbils died (not a good thing when they are already so scared of death), Johnny's Aunt died and then I received the call I was praying so hard against. A dear friend lost their Aunt to cancer.

She fought so hard and lived life so fully, and yet in the end though her spirit was not overtaken, her body was overcome. Watching my friends go through this has been so hard. I have felt this struggle in the depths of my being and I feel as if a part of me lost the fight too. I have spent the last two days taking inventory in my own life.

I may not understand all the whys nor see the whole picture, but I do know that I have not been brought this far to lose site of the saving grace that guides my life. As a child I was very sickly and as I grew I was plagued with difficulties. At seven years old I was angry with God and questioned why He was allowing so much illness to wreck my body. I made peace with God then, as I have done now. If I had not trod that road as child, I would never have had the strength to walk this journey through this blasted cancer. I have made peace with the fear of death, on most days. Making peace with it has enabled me to live life with hope. I live knowing that I live each day on an extended lease and I am always grateful for each day I am given.

I live each day knowing I am living it on borrowed time, such sweet borrowed time. Each day I rise I have another day to hug my boys, and another day to simply watch my husband sleep. It is those everyday things that make me smile. Being able to sit down to a meal together, to work out in the yard or even spend an extra few dollars on an absurd souvenir is meaningful. They are all memories, part of the weaving of my life, a tapestry that will last long after I have departed this earthly world.

So let me tell you that all in all, I have lived life fully and wonderfully. If and when I go home, I go in grace and with peace. My way will be clear and though my mortal body will have disappeared, I will never be a stranger to the love inside your hearts.

Know this always. And live life fully everyday!

Christina