Ghosts

Living with Ghosts....


Over all I am in good spirits today. Cancer is a big pain in the butt and I hate that I am putting my family through this. But we are getting through it and that it what matters. I do not know why this had to happen, but it did and my Creators grace is what keeps me afloat even when I feel like the water is getting just a little bit too high for my liking. It is that grace that enables me to laugh, smile and work through the pain and the sometimes overwhelming loss of it all. Ultimately, it is that grace that strengthens me and enables me to bend and not break.

It's hard sometimes though. Joshua and I both came to the conclusion over this weekend that living with cancer is like being a ghost. You know you are still here. You can feel, see, hear everything around you, but somehow life has stopped. Come to a halt. People go on living, laughing, bonding, and yet somehow you are on the outside of it all just watching life pass you by. You are just standing there, with no motion, while the world turns, people go by, seasons change and you are still standing right there in the same spot. It is no ones fault, it is what it is. But it doesn't make it any easier. Kids back away, people back away. Not because they mean to hurt you but because they don't know how to respond to you.

There are times I feel like a broken picture frame, as if no one can see the woman still inside me. But the truth is that even though I feel that way, I am still me under it all. That will never change. I am still a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend. So no matter what the next few months hold I will still be standing, fighting and smiling through it all even if the storm decides to pour down with no let up, I will still be Christie, still Christina, and still Mommy.

So I keep moving. I keep smiling and I keep hope alive. The stress? Well that never goes away. The doctors tell me to try and relax. Well Try relaxing while you are hurling six times a day I say!

Honestly, I am not really sure what I can do to relieve any extra stress. I still have a home and family to care for, but I will try my best. What I do know is this, I am not going to let a little stress be my undoing. I have worked so hard to beat this monster and I am not going to let it get one more claw into my life!

I am a SURVIVOR! My family members are survivors and I will not allow myself to give into anything that will cause them or myself anymore pain. And that is that! I hold to hope, and I hold to faith. I hold to my family and my true friends. I know that I am not in this alone and that we will all come through this with flying colors. Yes, maybe with a few tears and regrets, but we WILL all come through this battle with a solid knowledge in who we are and what we can do when we stand together. I truly believe that with all my heart.

Christina