Brave Heart, Brave Soul. She who is brave is free.

The Blessing's of Christmas Blessings are sometimes the hardest things to really be thankful for. For sometimes we do not really understand them nor do we honestly see them for what they truly are...blessings of strength, character, family and tradition. No, so many times we see only the hardships, the pain and the uncertainty of what life is throwing our way at the moment. This year I choose to embrace all my many blessings... The beauty of December's Lights, the wonder of God's peace that comes in the gift of my children's' unconditional love. The blessings of tradition, both old ones and new. The blessing of living to see yet another Christmas and the pain of next years uncertainty. Not one of us are ever guaranteed tomorrow, so why do we fuss so much over the fear of what it may bring? It is the simple pleasures that bring such HOPE to my heart. The blessing of hearing the Christmas bells and pipes just one year more. The blessing of finding yet another perfect...

Life's Dance How frustrating can life be? How painful can the dance be? But how beautiful can the embrace be! Maybe it could be better compared to the Paso Doble? Maybe the Tango? Either way it can be trying and beautiful, but if we didn't dance where would we be? So many times cancer patients are just sort of 'handled' as if we are already dead. Do they really mean to treat you as if you are lifeless inside? No, I don't think so. But all the same they see the word 'cancer' on your file or they see your lack of hair, and the pain in your eyes and they simply write you off. In those moments they misjudge you, misread the pain for hallowness and see you very differently from themselves. Sounds crazy right? Yes, it does, but it so very true. I feel it all comes down to perception of the heart and spirit really. It is fear that causes this kind of withdrawal. Sadly, we can go through life afraid of dying, afraid of feeling, but in the end we all have to die and ...

Soul Clutter I have spent the better part of the last two weeks secluded in my home tucked away and hidden from the world. Why? Well, I have been trying to de clutter, clean and put together my house again after 22 moths of free reigning chaos. I have had my head and hands inside of closets that seemed to be sucking me up into a black hole. I have had my nose over run by dust bunnies, and my skin crawl with imaginable unseen, yet very real critters. I have pushed, pulled and shoved furniture from one end of the house to the other. Then at the days end I have finally collapsed onto my bed, only to hear the voices of my children asking for water in the middle of the night. What does all this have to do with anything you ask? Well, it has everything to do with well, everything! Just as we finally get to a point where we can't keep opening our closets up everyday and having an earthquake pour out, or look at all the collected clutter on the table one more day, we also have to spring cl...

Why? Why, is one of those words that just can't be answered sometimes. I have stood in front of the mirror may times, looking at my disfigured chest asking myself why this had to happen to me, to my body and to my family? Why is the biggest word I have found the hardest answering my sons. Why, Mommy? Why you, why us? Why cancer? Why did God let this happen? Why are you so sick? Why ... why Mommy does cancer cause people to die? Why would God let you die Mommy? Why some may ask? Yes, why does cancer make its mark on our lives? Why does God allow this thing to take over our wayof life and our bodies? Why does cancer change us so desperately? Well, because CANCER is CANCER, simple in nature, but not so simple in the living of it. So again, why? Well, the truth is that I do not know why. But what I do know is that this cancer, breast cancer, has done more for me than it has ever taken away from me. I realize that at some point cancer my take my last breath from me, but it will not take...

I AM A Warrior! Breast Cancer has made me into many things... a fighter, an advocate, a survivor and a warrior. There have been many days that Breast Cancer has stomped the breathe right out of me, made me feel as if it was taking my life away with it's every daunting touch. But at the end of the day my fear has always been replaced by courage, my tears replaced by stubbornness and my pain by hope. For every inch of ground that cancer has ever tried to take away from me, I have pushed myself two more steps ahead. So as I look out and see pink ribbons everywhere I turn right now, I feel a strong surge rising up, beating inside me. I feel the need to shout it out that this is a month of reckoning, and a time to put a real, very honest face on breast cancer. A time to stand together and fight with all our might to save our daughters, our son's daughters and our daughters, daughters daughter. We are not just pretty ribbons or an admirable cause for just this moment in time. No, we ...

Hello Friends! I am doing much better than I was 12 days ago! I am finally feeling much more like a human being rather than a rag doll stitched back together. I am still hurting, but at least I have been able to wean myself off of my pain meds and deal with the pain that is left. I am sleeping a lot which is something I am not used to doing. I have never been one to stop and rest. But I think this time, after all the chemo and 7 surgeries my body is just taking over the task of resting for me, lol. My stitches come out hopeful on Tuesday. That will be wonderful and I will be jumping up and down (figuratively), lol. Today, will mark another milestone for me as I see my oncologist. Once again bittersweet. I will hold my breath till the visit is over and then I will walk out and wait another 3 months. It's the process, the journey, the cost of cancer. It is well, worth hearing that I have no signs of a return. This has been a long process, but a journey I do not regret. I have been t...

Today, I Am A Survivor Today I want to be free, to be able to wake up and know I am alive, free from Breast Cancer and her shadow. But for today, I have to accept what grace I have been given to fight this beast. Today I must be brave even if I don't really want to be. Today I must hold my head up, put my shoulders back, smile and put one foot in front of the other despite how I feel. You see, t oday is not about me, nor is it about my own struggle or the inner demons that taunt me daily. No, today is about my sisters and brothers, yes brothers, some 200,000 of them alone just this year who will be diagnosed with breast cancer. Today is a time to reflect, to rejoice and to mourn. Today, I will walk with those who have survived this monster as I will walk among those whom have lost beloved sisters, daughters and wives to this beast. Yes, today I will walk for all of them, for my family, and yes even for myself! Today I will join thousands to honor one cause. Today, in the morning ho...

Well, getting a new pair of whatever you prefer to call them is not all it us cracked up to be, let me tell you! Oh my, what was I ever thinking? Oh wait, I wasn't thinking, it was the fun loving cancer that decided to take away my breasts. So here I am 5 days later looking somewhat between the Bride of Frankenstien and Sally from the Nightmare Before Christmas and feeling as if a train just hit me going 200 miles per hour at the same time a cement truck poured its entire barrel over top of me and sped off! There is a lot in there to expand upon ... later when I have actual full use of my upper body. But for now I will just leave it at that. As for how I am holding up? I am doing my best. I am getting past the 'upfront costs' of both the plastic surgeon and the medical facility and the idea of a nipple tattoo. Truthfully, I am just plain tired and in pain but I am still up and doing what I can. I guess I am finally admitting that my body just isn't able to bounce back ...

Christina Is FINALLY Saying Good-bye to Her Lop Sided Boobs ! The day has finally arrived! This Friday, September 21, 2007 at 11:30 AM I will go under the knife hopefully for close to the last time. I will be in the OR for 3 1/2 hours which will put me back out around 3 PM and then I will go to the Recovery Room for about 2 hours. I have a new plastic surgeon, and he is on the ball. By the Grace of Heaven our insurance is working with us, and even though the cost is a bit more than we really have right now and I have had to put payment down already, it is manageable in the long run. So here I go, into surgery 7. Wow! That just amazes me really. To think I have gone under that many times in 20 months and that I will finally be asclose to whole as I will ever be is breath taking. I don't really know what to think about it all actually. One part of me is thinking to myself, "no biggie, it's just another surgery" and then the other part of me is screaming out loud,...

I was blessed this weekend by having the opportunity to speak for many young woman facing breast cancer during a live news interview. I was beside myself and a nervous wreck, but the truth is that I had my wonderful husband and my closest friend there with me. True I could really see the affects of this cancer on my face, but I was sitting there, alive and able to speak for those that can't. So this morning in the midst of all that is happening with my dad and even with all these new, costly tests I am being put through, I offer this part of my inner thoughts to you, my friends. I wrote this some time back on a really bad day. In my day to day struggle, and as I watch others struggle through their own battle with this beast, I know that I speak not only for myself, but for many others in how CANCER rips away at your spirit some days. This entry is for all CANCER SURVIVORS. I really feel it hits the nail right on the head in respect to even the strongest survivors along the Journey...

Living on the Island of Misfits Most definitely there are times when living in the aftermath of breast cancer feels a lot like living on an Island of misfits. You really do understand that there is just something a little off, a bit different about you now. Still you want to believe if just for a moment, that even with your square peg you will fit into that round hole sitting in front of you. Point in case, my most recent moment off the island came last week in the hour I spent in a mall fitting room. Talk about feeling like a misfit as you try carrying in bra after bra, filling in only half of it and falling completely out of the other half of it! Talk about being a true mis-fit! Then there was the little problem of who was this person staring back at me from out of the other side of the mirror? I finally just began telling myself that I must simply be going blind. After all, this whole new me, well it simply wasn't me! I certainly didn't recognize this woman and the reflect...

Well, my friends what to say? I came home Sunday after vacationing with my family to find another message from my oncologist. The news? Not too bad, but not great either. Mostly it is something to chew on and hopefully in the end spit out. But the truth is, right now that she is very concerned. After listening, and listening again, then having Johnny listen to the message, I spoke with the office yesterday, as she is out of the country and my liver function numbers are through the roof. My calcium is up and my Vitamin D is down so I go back in for more blood work today.(They added another Bone Mineral Density test on my spine and hips today) Based on those results, I will either be cleared or I will have to undergo more testing, scans and possible biopsy. The other issue is my brain scan. I am having a MRI with sedation and contrast tomorrow. This is due to some of the problems with speech, coordination and memory loss that I am having. All together, I am good with it but the thing ab...

My Adventures as a Uniboober ! My story is not so unique, but it is still one worth telling I guess. Yes, it is a bit of a crazy tale, full of insane nonsense, but isn't humor the key to life's insanity? So without any more ado here is the tale of one crazed, hear me roar, I am still alive and kicking, proud to be a uniboob woman. I am absolutely a self declared, uniboober . Oh yes, I wear that title with a smirk across my face. I can honestly say that there have been those days along the way that I have felt like Captain Jack Sparrow aboard the Black Pearl. Alright, with the exception that I have would take the name of 'Captain Christina Breast-Less' and sail aboard the 'Pink Pearl' navigating the seas of Chaos and Uncertainty. Adventure you say? Where is the adventure in being Breast-Less? Well, then do I have a tale to tell you my friend. Ah, I have ventured many a day through storms cast upon my life through the years. Though the truth be told I would rat...

Spinning In Emotions As Monday morning came and went last week giving way to the afternoon I was still awe stricken, amazed and completely given in to my emotions. This is a good thing to be openly honest. My heart is still overflowing and absolutely filled with the unconditional love and unyielding support of my wonderful, dear and kindest friends. As I walked through the door of two of my closest friends home on the Saturday night of my birthday, I jumped back at first and then melted into tears. There without my knowing were 18 (not including myself, Johnny and our boys) of our friends waiting to surprise me for my birthday. I was completely taken back by the love, the thought and the generosity that abounded in that room as I walked in. Looking all around me I had a hard time taking all of it in. I stood there, in shock with tears falling from my eyes in my friend Kathy's' kitchen. I was quite taken back by the preparation. There was food of all kinds, a cake, even Tinker ...