The Wrecker

Well, my friends what to say? I came home Sunday after vacationing with my family to find another message from my oncologist. The news? Not too bad, but not great either. Mostly it is something to chew on and hopefully in the end spit out. But the truth is, right now that she is very concerned. After listening, and listening again, then having Johnny listen to the message, I spoke with the office yesterday, as she is out of the country and my liver function numbers are through the roof. My calcium is up and my Vitamin D is down so I go back in for more blood work today.(They added another Bone Mineral Density test on my spine and hips today) Based on those results, I will either be cleared or I will have to undergo more testing, scans and possible biopsy. The other issue is my brain scan. I am having a MRI with sedation and contrast tomorrow. This is due to some of the problems with speech, coordination and memory loss that I am having. All together, I am good with it but the thing about all this testing is that it stirs the pot up bringing up all those deep, dark fears that have been lying on the bottom for a while. My greatest fear? Leaving my two precious boys motherless. They are my greatest blessings in this life.

So I say, what are those of us teetering on the edge of life and death to do? Are we to spend what precious time we have left no matter how long or short as victims, spinning out of control with self pity, stomping around as if we have no life left in us to live? No! Simply put, life is full of unexpected back roads, sharp twists and turns, sudden stops and painful pot holes.Sure we can fight it all we want. Take short cuts wind our way through the backups, honk our horns for all to hear, fuss all we can about the long waits, and how much time it is costing us. But what about the time we lose while we are complaining? What about the time we give up without a thought about it? What about those precious moments we give up every minute we grip about ourturned up side down lives?

True life is not all we THINK it should be on most days. Sure we thought we would have more money, a bigger house, health and more security by this time in our lives. But the truth is, there is no greater security than uncertainty. It is always there, steady and true, always waiting to throw you a curve ball. But isn't that the sweetness of life? The not knowing, the unexpected and the complete surprise that turns out to be blessing when all is said and done?

Of course landing in a pot hole and nearly missing a tree going 55 mph is not my idea of fun. No one is exactly pleased with the idea. But the real truth is this: Once you have pulled yourself out of the drivers seat, surveyed the damage, yelled and screamed at the yourself for a bit, stomped around like a crazy person and smacked your vehicle for a good while you finally hand over the dented structure to the wrecker. Sure it is not one of your better, jump up and down, shout hallelujah kind of moments, but the you finally begin to let the situation sink in. You are alive to tell the tale and you are here, and still able to move, to breath and to speak. You suddenly take inventory of all that is truly precious to you, your faith blossoms and thankfulness finally takes hold.

That is what this cancer pot hole of life has done for me. In all, I have found not only my voice, but that my faith in my Maker is stronger and that though tested, my hope is never wavering. No, I was not happy in the least bit about being towed in to the oncologists office, having an overhaul done on my engine and body work done on my frame. I may not have all the same parts as I did before, and true I may not look the same or feel the same, but all together I am whole with or without my breast. My desire, my strongest hope when all this is said and done is that I am a better person for all the twists, turns, stops and yes, even pot holes.

True, none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. We do not know our time or the place and yes we all know our lives can all be gone in a heart beat. The sadder fact is that most may know this, but still do not choose to live as if they were dying. So my challenge to each of you is this: Live life! Embrace all that it offers, all that it takes away and all the possibilities it yet holds. Forget all the squabbles, the silly little things that keep you a part from those that love you. Live life in spite of all it's hardships. Love those that have hurt you and embrace those that stand with you. Look deep within yourself and you will find this kind of WILL, the will to believe and to hold on to your faith. Truly, they are the pieces that will make you stronger for
the course, enabling you to survive the sudden stops and give you hope through all of life's pit stops.


Ah, my dear friends, take hold of your family, your loved ones, and your friends despite your deference's. Do not live your life in the shadows of what could have been. Let it go and embrace the life you have been give and all those that hold you close. Let go of the hurt from those whom have injured you, and live your life, every moment of it as if it were your last! Remember this my dear friends, life is fleeting, live, love and hold close these moments.

Love to all...
Faith, Hope, Strength and Courage,

Christina