Humor

My Adventures as a Uniboober!

My story is not so unique, but it is still one worth telling I guess. Yes, it is a bit of a crazy tale, full of insane nonsense, but isn't humor the key to life's insanity? So without any more ado here is the tale of one crazed, hear me roar, I am still alive and kicking, proud to be a uniboob woman.

I am absolutely a self declared, uniboober. Oh yes, I wear that title with a smirk across my face. I can honestly say that there have been those days along the way that I have felt like Captain Jack Sparrow aboard the Black Pearl. Alright, with the exception that I have would take the name of 'Captain Christina Breast-Less' and sail aboard the 'Pink Pearl' navigating the seas of Chaos and Uncertainty. Adventure you say? Where is the adventure in being Breast-Less? Well, then do I have a tale to tell you my friend.

Ah, I have ventured many a day through storms cast upon my life through the years. Though the truth be told I would rather find myself on a long sandy beach, with my boots off, lying in a hammock with a coconut full of rum in my hand. Yep, I am a pirate of sorts I suppose. Can't you just see me standing there at the wheel, a shaved head of course, with a pink leather hat, and a black bandana underneath it's brim? Yes, I can see myself aboard The Pink Pearl, making haste with a crew of survivors. All of us uniboobers, breast-less and marked women alike together sailing the oceans of this world in search of a cure. 'Tis true we are a group of swashbuckling, yo ho, high sea sailing, pink wearing of the female sort of course band of Cure Runners. Living life aboard this ship we proudly wear our bandanas displaying our bald heads and raising up our jolly roger complete with a pink ribbon. We are young and old alike, beautiful and strong, fearless and yet still fearful as we sail these seas of death and despair. Indeed, I have cast my lot with this crew in search of life beyond this so called curse. We have thrown all of our hope into life and the living of it. Our sails, a rose color in defiance of this beast that chases after us needing pain to feed upon seeking only to pull us down in to the depths of despair right along with it.

True, I have sailed making port at the unlikeliest of places. I have made my way to such exotic lands as cytoxan, adriamycian and taxotere. Lost a breast along the way, hence the name, 'Christina Breast-Less'. Or shall I say, Captain Christina Breast-Less to you mate? I have made my way through the uncharted shores of a tortuous land called Hyst-er-ec-tomy. Aye matey, a land so terrible that the surrounding natives themselves will not make port. They know the deep dark secrets of this place and keep as far away as they can. Certainly they are no dummies, knowing the untimely fates of those who dare to go a shore face.

Ah, I have sold my youth and had my soul nearly consumed by this unknown heading that has taken all aboard unto life giving waters' end. Aye, casting us on to the shores of a land unknown to most as it calls only to those this dark, forsaken Isle wishes to hold captive within its boarders. Marooned here without a map and upon these shores far from all ye have known and have loved, your soul is shaken. Slowly the insane becomes a part of your every breath as you find yourself lost and wandering its sands. The fear of spending the rest of your days here is overwhelming as you begin embracing the insanely, crazy, yet oddly humorous new life you have been so suddenly handed here. There are definitely those moments when ye feel quite at home within your own loopiness. Then there are also those days when you really wonder when Captain Obviously Gone Mad will come to collect your mind for you.

Yet as my story goes, I am not alone in this misery. As this tale is one of hope and not of despair my crew and those that have loved me did indeed set a course through the black seas to find and rescue me. Navigating through darkness and despair upon a foreign ship, my loved ones came for me. Mission bound they boarded the Pink Pearl once again and sailed me away from those lonely shores pulling me from the sands of cancer's kiss of death. As for the unsightly, temperamental Pirates of Chemotherapy? You know the ones who seek to consume all that lives within you? Well, they tried with all their might to strip me of my life and to leave their mark upon my soul. In the end, I body may have been marked, but I have lived to tell the tale. So now, I sail aboard the Pink Pearl in search of a CURE with my crew of Pink Ribbon wearing, compression toting, breast-less, cancer fighting pirates. Together we are as one. As for 'Old Davy Jones? Well, he may have our names burned upon his black list and indeed we may all wear his black spot upon our chests, but we will not go down without a fight!

This beast may have chased us, hunted us down unsatisfied to merely consume a part of us. This beast with all its might wishes to consume all of us, every part of who we are, what we were, and any life that we may hope to have. Yes, this beast comes for us upon calm waters, seeking us out, ready to take The Pink Pearl down to the black cold murky depths. Ah yes, this beastie friend of mine comes to do the devil's bidding but Hope is stronger than deaths' claws. True it may try to consume my body and soul, but it has not nor will it ever take my spirit with it.

'Tis true I ask myself now, how many seas have I sailed, traveling upon, before I found this hope? So many dreams did I forsake living among the insanity of my own fears. Then finally I climbed aboard this ship of survivors and I gave way to the life I thought was fading away and fell to my knees. Who, I thought would light the way, ferry my soul across the waters and into the great beyond? I had lost hope and was lost in a sea of despair fearful of being forgotten. I had been broken, taken apart piece by piece until I stepped aboard this mighty ship.

For days I was tossed upon the waves. But just when I thought all was lost and as I felt my body yielding to the depths my cries were heard, rising up from the waters that sought to drown my soul. Quite unexpectedly I was pulled back to HOPE, and to life. Suddenly the seas around me were calm even while the rains fell. There aboard this ship with pink sails, I found myself among the living again. As my body began to heal my spirit once again emerged. In time I let go of the fear within me that I been carrying, fearful of the black spot upon my body and this death mark that sought to destroy me. Here among those that surround my life seeking to fight the beast while standing up facing the deep bellows of death I am at home and never forgotten.

So here at this stories end and in the telling of this adventure of mine I can say I have found myself among strong women wielding swords cast of strength and hope. Even Davy Jones' locker cannot hold HOPE captive. As we all have taken our turns charging at the beast, toward its jagged teeth and into its mouth we have not been lost. True, the battle with this beast may have taken a part of us with it, and even taken our ship down to the depths many a day but have we not always reemerged tried and true?

So my friends, I raise my coconut cup to you, and to you and to you too. I give to you, hope and inspiration. I pray that as you sail upon the seas of life that Hope brings to your soul fullness of life, love, laughter and all it's precious treasures. As for me? I again will set sail aboard The Pink Pearl with hope behind her sails, and defiance in my bones.

Christina AKA "Breast-Less"