Reconstruction
Well, getting a new pair of whatever you prefer to call them is not all it us cracked up to be, let me tell you! Oh my, what was I ever thinking? Oh wait, I wasn't thinking, it was the fun loving cancer that decided to take away my breasts. So here I am 5 days later looking somewhat between the Bride of Frankenstien and Sally from the Nightmare Before Christmas and feeling as if a train just hit me going 200 miles per hour at the same time a cement truck poured its entire barrel over top of me and sped off! There is a lot in there to expand upon ... later when I have actual full use of my upper body. But for now I will just leave it at that. As for how I am holding up? I am doing my best. I am getting past the 'upfront costs' of both the plastic surgeon and the medical facility and the idea of a nipple tattoo. Truthfully, I am just plain tired and in pain but I am still up and doing what I can. I guess I am finally admitting that my body just isn't able to bounce back as it was 7 surgeries ago. I have broken down in tears and actually started taking my pain meds on time round the clock. I feel like I look ... bruised and beaten up. My left side is not as bad as the right, but then I have very little feeling on my left side, so I guess that is a blessing. My right side is cute up, down, sideways and around. I developed a blister as well and now I am watching it for any infection. I am still not keeping much food down and I am running a low grade fever. Basically I am not feeling like me yet. It is hard because I am so used to just dealing and going and moving. I am done for a while I think but that doesn't change my plans to walk! I still plan to walk in the Susan B. Komen Race for the Cure on October 6th. I have made that commitment to both my boys and to myself, so no matter what I have to do, I will be out there!
I hate to admit it but the bottom line is that my body is in some of the worst pain I have ever felt before. I have to say this feels worse and even looks worse than my mastectomy. But then I was still fresh and not so worn out when all that took place. My surgery went well, but my first 2 days at home didn't. I ended up with a high fever by Sunday and started with some fluid build up on my lungs which I am now trying to completely get rid of. I came out of the bandages and wet into a bra on Monday. A mixed blessing in my eyes, but a step forward.
In all, if I had to choose this surgery just because... I wouldn't get near it with a ten foot pole. But the cancer did this to me. The cancer took my breast away and left me uneven, unwomanly and maybe even unwell in some eyes, definitely UN-whole in mine. So surgery it was. I know that when I have recovered from this, which honestly is not going to happen over night this time for me. When the bruises are gone, the stitches are out, the cuts are long gone and once the scars have finally started to fade, I will be OK with it all. In the end I will look more like me again. I will never look like the Christina I knew for 32 years before this monster was let loose on my body, but I will be closer than I have been in the last 2 years. In the end, I will be whole and I will have closure.
Love to all,
Christina
No surgery is ever pain free. The anaesthetic is just so you don't feel it whilst they are doing the operation.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you have had to suffer so much to get back your womanliness. I personally would not have entertained it. But then I am sixty not a young woman like yourself with a long future ahead of her..<smile>
You will know by now that it takes time, lots of it, to heal. If it's a bit longer this time ... then so be it too. You know that the day will come when you will be well and leave it behind you. The body is an amazing machine given time and rest!
I wish you a speedy recovery Christina...and closure on all that has happened since you began your fight against cancer. Normality, with any luck, is beginning to come a bit closer on your horizon. For you at least.
I am praying still for your dear Dad.
Take care and get well soon!
Jeanie xxx
((Hugs)) Finally catching up to you after my absence. Even though your hurting like hell, sounds like you came through with flying colors. We all want to be whole in some form or another. I constantly feel as though I'm not and miss my hearing more than ever. In the end what makes a person truly whole? For me it's the spirit within the body. Your spirit shines through no matter what your body endures. That in itself is truly a gift dear heart. Keeping you in my prayers on the smoke, that your healing comes swift and true to seeing you with days of being pain free. (Hugs) Indigo
ReplyDeleteChristina, you did what you did because it was important to you as a woman dear, time will heal the pain and you'll be just fine. Girlfriend Christine had both breasts redone after her cancers and to see her you'd never know - she looks marvelous and so will you dear. Take care. Arlene (AJ)
ReplyDeleteChristina, I wish I could give you a hug and make all your suffering go away, I can't, :::shedding tears::: BUT... I would like you to know that tomorrow you will be in my thoughts in such a special way.
ReplyDeleteA few years ago a lady named Rita lost her sister to breast cancer, she resides in the County that my husband opened his tire business in earlier this year. Breast Cancer has touched Rita's life in such a passion as it has mine since the loss of my lil sis last year. Rita's passion is called Paint The Town Pink dedicated to the SURVIVORS of breast cancer and to those who have become the ANGELS among us. At this time each year Rita welcomes all breast cancer survivors in the county to her home for a special evening to kick off the month of October as breast cancer awareness. It has become such a special event and she is tireless in her efforts.
This will be my first year for being a part of Paint The Town Pink, as my sister and I will decorate the tire shop in pink, not only in rememberance of our sister Judy but for All who are or will one day be fighting breast cancer.
Tomorrow Christina, as I shed tears while we Paint The Town Pink, you will be in my thoughts in Faith, Hope, Love, & Courage ~~ONE PROMISE~TWO SISTERS!
Love
Debbie
I hope you feel better soon. It takes awhile but you will feel better. Take it easy and rest as much as possible.
ReplyDeleteJulie
I can't even imagine the pain you are having to endure...I hope it eases soon...I know at my age if i were in your shoes , as painful as it may be...I would have made the choice to go along with the surgery as well.... Keeping you in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteWishing you brighter days ahead =)
Hugs,
Terri
I'm glad your surgery is over and hope and pray you will feel much better soon. Paula
ReplyDeleteSo many time you say something and I remember feeliing that same way and you photo captions are always perfect for your entry. I refer to myself, when I look into a mirror still bald, still with one nipple, one very sad boob,one very scarred boob with cancerous tumor clinging to the outside and think to mysef "circus freak" I get told that even bald I'm still a beautiful woman but those words don't reach far enough down in me to ring true. I have to admit I have my pre children body back and I'm liking that it some sick way....."I have cancer, an agressive cancer that so far chemo is working but hey! At least I got my body back!" Oh the mind of a woman some time!
ReplyDeleteThank God Jim still looks at me the same way he did when we first met, he is my rock...he protects me, from me.
This is an older entry that combines my photography, my poetry and how cancer changed my physical being but not my spirit.
http://journals.aol.com/demandnlilchit/Ishavedmylegsforthis/entries/2006/09/20/beauty....../1372
Christina, you too are still beautiful!