Brave Heart, Brave Soul. She who is brave is free.

My Aurgument with Cancer's Inner Demons! What can I say? The last 15 months have been a blur. I can't lie, it has been a long hard road. One that is still being trod. One that will more than likely be beneath my feet for the rest of my life. A much longer road than I thought it would be or ever expected it to turn into. I live each day wishing it was the last day I had to wake up knowing "cancer" was apart of my existence. And I know that there are days, all of us wish we didn't have to think about it, hear about it or read about it. But it is my reality and for all of those that have made the choice to walk this road with me, I cannot even begin to express the depths of my love, gratitude and the bond that we are forging together. Those who have trod this path, no matter the course and type of cancer, know exactly what I mean. I admire your strength in the midst of your battle and I look up to you for your courage and tenacity for life in the midst of the odds a...

Breast Cancer can do so much to a woman's body, spirit and soul. Yes, it can take away so much, leave you feeling as if you are insignificant, deficient, and lacking in strength. From the moment those words are uttered your journey begins. Suddenly you feel as if it is you against the world. You are now navigating through all the ups and downs, through the hurt and pain, both emotional and physical. Some leave you as they take other paths leading away from you, while others surprise you by joining you, walking side by side through your entire journey. Life changes and you change with it. Breast Cancer is a learning curve, a teacher, an enemy and at times a friend. This is what this beast has done to me.... "THE STORY OF A WOMAN" This is the story of a woman. She is a lover, full of desire. She is a mother full of hope. She is strength, as she holds her weakness deep within. Her heart is true, and while her spirit is torn in two, her soul is full of grace. She is lost a...

Today, April 27, 2007, is mine and Johnny's 11th anniversary. It doesn't seem that long ago, yet after the past year and a half it seems much longer. I love my husband more than I could ever begin to express here in words to you. He is not perfect by any means. He has his finer moments and yes, many more of those less-than-finer-moments. But so do I for that matter. Truth be told, he is a good man, a loving and quiet man and a good, no wonderful father. When we said, "I do," way back when, we meant every word of it. We didn't know then just how deeply that would be tested but the sickness and in health part has held up and has never been in question from the moment we heard the words, " breast cancer ". Johnny in all his "opps" and blunders, loves me and has stood by my side through it all. I honestly don't know how many men would still find their wives as attractive and desire them as much as Johnny has in spite of my "uniboob,...

"Never a dull moment!" Yes, at times life seems to copy cat that old Dick Van Dike movie. I visualize myself swinging on large balloons, paint flying everywhere and running, while falling, and still trying to get back up again, away from the bad guys! LOL My day started with sitting an hour for an ultrasound in an empty office. Followed by driving all the way back across town to see my GYN (who is great by the way). I barely remember eating lunch somewhere in there. Then as I was about to pull into the parking lot I received a call from the school. Micah's arm was hurting so off I went to the school to save the day with pain meds (wonder woman theme song playing in the background, lol). OK, back to the serious side of things, lol. When I got there he was crying. So I tried to calm him down, give him meds and send him back to class so I could get to the doctors office. Ever feel as if you are traveling in a crazed, out of control, parallel universe? Well, that was my Mom a...

Well, the end of the day is finally here. It has been a long couple of days. Johnny, went to his Aunts funeral alone. I wasn't sure about the whole idea at first, but given the last two days it was the right decision. I really don't know what to make of my mother in law. I tried for years to fit into her life. I finally gave up and realized that I was never going to bend enough to do that. I see her now as a very lonely woman, who can't seem to get past my "stealing" her baby away from her. It's sad really. It has been six years since she has seen her grandchildren, or her son. The boys are so beautiful and so full of life. They would embrace her, love her unconditionally, if she would let them in. The boys desire family, and love to be around those they love. If we could just get her to realize what she is missing. It is just so sad. Especially when one family member dies and you realize how precious life is. Johnny did see her last night and his brother. He...

Today has just been one of those days. My husbands Aunt died yesterday of Ovarian Cancer . I do not know how he feels, as he is the strong, quiet type. I asked to go to the funeral with him and he said he wanted to go alone. I am not sure what to think or how to feel about that. There is so much duress in the family, and having married a woman outside of the reservation, has not helped Johnny's standings with his mother or brother. Actually he has not spoken to her in over 6 years since she asked him to choose his wife and kids or herself. (I know, illogical doesn't even begin to cover that one) He says he does not want a confrontation, and I understand that. (Though, I am in no shape to even entertain a confrontation.) Then there is the fact that she has no idea I have been sick. I just worry about him being alone with her and how his Aunt's death will affect him. Sadly, this week so far has given me much reason to reflect on life's priorities and our ultimate appointm...

Well, I am still kicking and driving my husband insane, so that is a good sign, lol . The last 12 days have honestly kicked my butt. I was not ready for this one, as much as I tried to convince myself otherwise before I went under. I have spent the last 15 months trying to "beat the system," so to speak. I have been very stubborn about not giving into the pain, and the fear and this life sucking piranha called " Breast Cancer." But the honest truth is that my body is whipped, wiped out, done with the game and it took this operation to slap me in the face with that truth. It is going to take my body longer than I thought to recover. Chemo , diabetes, stroke all play a part in this battle. Don't get me wrong, I am feeling better and getting stronger everyday. I am just still very tired and weak, and I hate that! I am just not able yet to get up and run around in circles like I am used to.I am so ready to be able to walk fully upright again! It amazes me how just...

I am sorry it has been so long. I had a rough time with this surgery. I finally came home last night. I think this type of surgery is hard on any woman, but it is even more so after chemo and with diabetes. I did well during surgery, it was the recovery that kicked my butt. First off my body did not respond to the morphine, and later when they tried it again, caused my airway to close. I was placed on a spinal block for the first 24 hours. I did provide some entertainment though, I was put on some super drug similar to morphine and well, I hallucinated with that one, lol. At one point I was talking to dragons I was told. I was in ICU for the first 24 hours. But I was not allowed up because my blood pressure dropped way too low. I ended up back in ICU following a bout with my liver, throwing up and a drop in my body temp. Finally, late yesterday, I was OK to go home. I am really sore, and truth be told last night I was really mad at the whole thing. But I am better today and ready to ...

For my boys, Joshua and Micah "I HEAR FOREVER" Lying here my heart aches as I watch my children sleep, tucked away in bed snuggled close to my side. I long only for their happiness and yet I know that eventually the thunder of uncertainty will cause them great pain in the years to come. All too soon they will be asked to brave the storms of life and mend from misfortunes they themselves have no control over as they grow older. As a mother, I can only pray that I have lived as an example of hope and strength. That as they grow older, my boys will embrace all life has to give them, the good mingled with the bad, the unforeseen pain and all the simple joys life will bring their way. Right here in this moment looking upon their little faces, with their tiny noses and locks of curls spiraling uncontrollable on top of their heads I pray they will come to understand that there are no true regrets in life. Even in life's failures and disappointments life will always give someth...

Well, the day has come. I go into surgery in the morning. 8:30 AM to be exact. I am a bit nervous about it all. I worry about how weak my body has grown physically, but I am staying strong mentally. The chemo has weakened me, yes. And my 25 years with diabetes worries me just a bit.I woke up during surgery #5, so I certainly don't want to go through that again! LOL. I need to get this one over with. Leaving it all in, will just lead to more complications later. My poor husband's aunt is in the final stages of ovarian cancer as I type. At this point, I have what they think is a benign tumor inside one of my ovaries. It has been causing more trouble than it is worth, so it needs to come out. I also have endometriosis from the chemo. So it is better to take it all out, then to just sit around and wait for trouble. They have decided against hormones, so I am feeling a bit better about that. I will see my oncologist a week out of this surgery. That is always a double edged sword. Ev...

I Will Not Be Silenced! I will not go quietly! I simply refuse to be silent. Shall I yell loudly? Must I stomp and shout to be heard? I call out to all those whom would come to silence me, to stomp out my strength and to quiet my courage. I say this now; I will not go quietly. None of us will go easily. I stand now, arm and arm, united with fellow survivors ready to fight, and ready to overcome. I raise my voice to inspire those still traveling this rugged path and I raise my voice in honor of those whom have gone on too soon. I shout from the depths of my soul as I vow to live every day in the face of death! I say no to all those whom come to quiet me. I will not back down. I will not be broken. Even if my body falls weak, I will bend as the path moves me. I will not remain silent nor shall I be bound to illness. With the strength of those who have come before me I stand. I say now even though I may splinter, I will not be broken! I take my place in this fight with humility and awe kn...

Living with Ghosts.... Over all I am in good spirits today. Cancer is a big pain in the butt and I hate that I am putting my family through this. But we are getting through it and that it what matters. I do not know why this had to happen, but it did and my Creators grace is what keeps me afloat even when I feel like the water is getting just a little bit too high for my liking. It is that grace that enables me to laugh, smile and work through the pain and the sometimes overwhelming loss of it all. Ultimately, it is that grace that strengthens me and enables me to bend and not break. It's hard sometimes though. Joshua and I both came to the conclusion over this weekend that living with cancer is like being a ghost. You know you are still here. You can feel, see, hear everything around you, but somehow life has stopped. Come to a halt. People go on living, laughing, bonding, and yet somehow you are on the outside of it all just watching life pass you by. You are just standing there...

I have lived amongst fear and pain. I have dwelt within the boundaries of uncertainty . I have embraced loss and succumb to tears . I am one face among so many with Breast Cancer. I am a Survivor clinging to Hope. What is Hope you may ask? Hope is greater than fear, Hope is stronger than uncertainty. Hope can overcome pain and loss. Hope turns tears into laughter. Living with Hope stirs the soul and presents all the wonderous possibilities life has to offer and begs us to embrace. Breast Cancer may be my lot in this life, but it will not be my undoing. This Hope I carry inside is my Legacy. My true fate in this life is to live with hope within faith and on through to strength and courage. To face each new day as a blessing and a new opportunity for healing. Living with Hope brings an understanding of all the souls' deeper possibilities. Hope is the other part of who I am that makes certain there is always a way for each part of me to overcome and feel the true...

Yesterday I was really upset at some things going on around me. I had been hurt by words and by attitudes and basically people just being human. I was letting hurt creep in and lay claim to my heart. We all do that, it's natural. But then I woke up and looked at my boys. I saw them lying there, sleeping peacefully and realized how blessed I am. How much I do have to be grateful for, to appreciate and to hold close to my heart. I realized that I need not let that hurt take root and question all that I do have in my life that is good. So I took a deep breath and let it out very slowly, and then just sat there watching them sleep. In a few minutes all the hurt just seemed to dissolve away and the peace that I know, that I have, deep in my heart, in my soul, returned with ease and blessed my spirit again. This fight, as many of you have walked it yourselves, are walking it or have walked it with others before me, know it is not easy. It tears at you, tries to burden you with fear and ...

Just more ramblings from the mind of a crazed ex chemo patient! This has been a work in progress for some time.I have added my thoughts here and there, especaily after days when I have had to deal with those cruel people whom feel the need to "inspire" you while they are kicking and punching you! This is a very long piece to read and unless you just have time to kill, well it will take some time to get through it all. I never mean to write novels. But once I start writing it all just comes overflowing and out into my journal. So I warn you now this is a doozy. Hope is a precious commodity. Without it, there is no tomorrow. No sunrise, no sunset. Hope is a blessing. Hope is eternal. Hope is life itself. Hope is the blessing that we breath in every morning when we wake. Hope is the prayer that goes out with each of us in everything we do. Hope inspires and hope advocates for those who have no voice. Hope reflects on loss with tenacity. Hope endeavors to hold us close when all...