Holding On
Holding On.....Have you ever had one of those days or maybe it was one of those weeks when you just wanted to throw the towel in, leave everything where it lies and literally run for the hills? Well, this has been one of those days, weeks for me and it is only Tuesday!
You know sometimes having your plate so full that it is overflowing isn't a bad thing. Having a full plate can be exciting, keep you going and your mind occupied. But then there are those times when having that plate of yours over flowing seems like a daunting task at best. Truly hasn't everyone experienced a day or two at some point in their lives when they wanted to take that plate and just toss it, slam it up against the wall and watch all the pieces of the plate crash down o the floor and the contents of the plate just slowly drip down the wall? Well, truthfully that has been my day today.
There are times that dealing with and living through cancer can really just beat you down leave you feeling hopeless. Not to say that I am hopeless, because I believe that hope can't die out. Just getting up every morning and living in spite of this man eating soul piercing and spirit devouring beast is proof that hope exists. But the truth is that I have days when I question my place within this battle especially when this beast is at my heels. I am tired I suppose. Tests, meds and appointments at times get the best of me. As of today I have learned my ultrasound of the other breast is normal, which is fantastic. Now I am waiting on the biopsy of a skin nodule. Nothing really too overwhelming honestly.
Still I hate cancer. I really really do. Do I believe that there is hope? Absolutely! I live with hope every day but there are still those days when despair creeps in taking your breath away as it tries to pry your hope away. The 'Man,' as I like to call my insurance company has provided me with just such a screenplay as this today. As of June 1st without our knowledge, our insurance changed leaving us scrambling to line my medical life back together and back in order again. Suddenly we had new copays, deductibles all in the month of June. With my situation and with my breast reconstruction still in the process, we asked for continuing care under the old plan to finish what was started. Well, the 'Man" gave his verdict today....and a loud "NO" sounded all around.
Again, I say that cancer sucks. Yes, I am still fighting, but I have been dealt a huge blow with this verdict. With the new insurance I will have to come up with the thousands this surgery will cost all up front before my wonderful plastic surgeon will complete what has been started. So I am a bit overwhelmed about this. I know that I will suck it up and deal with it all while waiting for my breast to be completed. I just hate it. It's just the idea of waiting 8 more months is emotionally painful. I have already waited 17 months already. But this is the 'Mans' verdict, so I must comply and comply I will. I will find a smile and I will find my hope again but for right now I am clean wiped out with nothing to offer right now. Childish I know. I am chiding myself even as I type this. I just wanted to be whole sooner than later.
I will pull myself back up on my feet again, put a smile back on my face and keep fighting this beast and all it comes to steal from me. I will not give in to this beastie, nor shall I ever give up my hope, my spirit or my soul. In the end it may take my body, but it will not take my hope or my fight!
Christina
Congrats on the ultra sound..........BOOOOOO to the MAN! I sm weary today to...rest when you can battle hard when necessary. I am here with you in spirit, in womanhood and in pain sometimes too...but lets choose to celebrate loudly on your ultra sound results adn pray the biopsy comes back as nothing.
ReplyDeleteXOXOX
K.
Fantastic news about your ultrasound Christina! And I am praying for negative results on your skin biopsy.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand how the Insurance people can change your medical insurance agreements. Surely that is wrong without discussing it at least with you? Its a legal contract after all. How heartless of them to do it now when you are at the most neediest. Is there no way you can contest it? This is such a mercenary decision on their part. Why pay insurance if they are not going to be there for you when you need it? I wish I had an answer for you Christina...I really do.
And the money too....drat the 'Man'! Hugs Jeanie xx
Is there anyway that you may be able to get some legal advice about your ins??? Seems to me that this is wrong....It may be worth your while to spend a little for legal advice on this...
ReplyDeletetake care and God bless,
carlene
Hang in there hon. If you look at as you have a lifetime ahead of you, whats a few more months? I know it's still a few more months. You have stood the test of time this past 17 months you will do just fine for the next few. I know from my own experience that insurance companies are heartless. They don't cover audiology testing or anything I need done with my ears due to my deafness either. I'm truly sorry they are sticking this to you. Great news on the other breast turning out fine. As for having one of these days......I've lived one of these days the past few weeks with my daughter. Sometimes I wish it was as easy as getting into your car and driving, not looking back leaving it all behind. The reality of our lives isn't so easy so we stand strong , keep our courage and face the day because in the end , it's all worth the fight. Love Ya Indigo
ReplyDeleteTruthfully yes, I have had a few of those days myself. About five and a half years ago my life as I had known it for 27 years came to a screeching halt, due to the factory I worked in closed it's door. My husband, my daughter, three of my brothers as well as myself lost our jobs that day as well as our insurance. We were offered COBRA as a source of insurance, needless to say we could not afford the tremendous cost. I felt as if they had taken my life away from me. When my sister learned of her cancer in June 2004, my daughter Terri said to me, "Mom consider it a blessing that you lost your job, it gave you time to spend with Judy" and yes I am blessed. My husband and I were blessed that we had paid our home off a few months before the closing. We continue to be without insurance because we can't afford it and it seems that we have scraped by so far but if anything happens to either of us medically I guess they will take our home from us. Yes I have had a lot of those days.
ReplyDeleteChristina I can't begin to imagine how you feel as I'm sure this was quite a shock. Unfortunately society as we know it today has become one of uncaring greed. I hope many blessing come your way.
Love
Debbie
I don't know if it will help but I file a complaint with the insurance commissioner of my state once when my insurance company was delaying a much need surgery. I was in surgery with in a week. You can find yours on line. Sorry about the delay. I hate insurance companies.
ReplyDeleteJulie