Celebrating

Celebrating A New Day

I woke up this morning and I realized that I had gained and added another thirty something digit to my name. Yes, another marker had lined itself up front and center and was shouting 34 at me as loudly as possible. Of course having my children bounce up and down on the bed like jumping beans shouting 'it's ya birthday, it's ya birthday' through my foggy state of semi consciousness was enough to leave me in complete awe.

But seriously on the flip side of things, is it age that caused me to reflect and to tremble? No, actually I embrace the years that I have lived here on this Earth. The simple truth is that I am in awe of the life I am now living, a life once swept away, thought to be dull and abandoned has now come to life full of new opportunities.How precious is it that I am here today, alive and living with hope and courage? Looking back on the last 519 days, 74 weeks and 17 months I realize that I have lived more than I have ever lived before in all my years put together since those fateful words, breast cancer, were uttered. Why is it that the threat of dying suddenly brings you to life? So why do we suddenly realize that for all our efforts, we have become complacent to life, taken all we have, all we love and all we know for grated once death is on the table? Simply put, we don't quite understand yet what we really have to loose until we feel the loss. Yes, the threat of death has a way of waking you up inside and bringing you back to life again.

In my own experience along this amazing journey I found that once death has been freely embraced, you finally begin to live. Do I still worry that the grim may yet come too early for me? Absolutely, I especially worry when I look at my boys sleeping. I worry about who will raise them, love them, nurture them in my place yet I know that I have today. Yes, I have today to love with all my heart, to live with all my might and to stop worrying about what might yet come.

So I will spend this day with my boys impressing upon the walls of my heart memories of my children running around the yard with wooden swords in hand slaying the imaginary dragon that has come to consume Mommy (if they only knew how close to reality they truly were). I will record the sound of their laughter within my spirit as I sit upon the birthday throne and hold on to their tender yet brave hearts as close as I can deep within my soul while they crown Mommy queen for the day.

Today, my children hold the greatest gift I could ever receive, their love. Yes, they are my ultimate gifts today. I have stopped and taken in the simple yet extraordinarymoments that I have been handed today. I have gasped in awe while opening their gifts today for their love cannot be found in any store bought card, but instead my heart has been completely lost in their imperfect perfectly drawn birthday cards. I have found the greatest gift today not in any perfectly wrapped and cut roses, but instead in the hand picked bouquet of weeds now sitting on my kitchen table.

So today, I celebrate life and all the living I have yet to do. I consciously choose today to give thanks unto my Maker for all I have been given in this life of mine cancer and all. Tonight, when this day has come to an end I will lay my head down knowing I have truly lived one more day fully giving all my heart can and fully accepting all life has given me.

Christina