Life Lesson #473 ~ A Far Off Place

 

“True love doesn’t happen by accident. It’s deliberate, it’s intentional, it’s purposeful, and in the end...it’s worth it.” ~ Darleen Schachet 

I used to think growing old together was some far-off place.  And when we arrived, we’d have it all together. Little did I know. At 22 the world was still so young and wild to me. The years couldn’t pass that quickly, could they? Oh yes, yes, they most certainly could. And they have. 

I don’t know when it happened. Or how really. But life has flown by. That’s the thing about life though. Isn't it? It’s gone in the blink of an eye. One moment you’re 22 and welcoming your first baby into the world and the next you’re almost 50 and he’s no longer a baby, but a man of 26.  

It’s crazy for me to think how young my husband and I were when we got married. Honestly, we were babies with no clue or idea how marriage worked. Or what becoming parents really required of us. We were simply in love. We said our “I dos” and became the parents of two beautiful boys within 3 years. And yes, we were absolutely a pair of two stubborn mules to say the least.  So certain we knew everything. Especially how life worked. No one could tell us any different, either. At 25 and 27 years old we certainly thought we knew more than our folks ever did despite our lack of life experience. The two of us were convinced we'd give our kids the world and never fail or disappoint them. Boy, were we ever wrong! 

Reality check! Best of intentions or not. Life doesn’t quite work out that way. The truth is life came at us fast and hard. And it never stopped.  

In the 27 years since we were married what I’ve learned is nothing ever goes as planned. Absolutely nothing! Whatever you think is going to happen, expect the opposite. Make sure you buckle up and hold onto your butts too. Because what can go wrong, will. Every time. 

I’ll be honest with you, people made bets on how long we’d last. And if I’m being transparent, there have been more than a few times over the last 2 decades, they might have won that bet. We’ve argued, walked out the door, yelled and been ready to give up many times. We’re human. The perfect marriage doesn’t exist because perfect people don’t.  We’ve failed our kids, each other and our families more times than I can count. And we came really close to losing it all 9 years ago.  But here we are, nonetheless. Twenty-seven years later. A bit worn for the wear. There’s no denying that. We’ve had to pivot but we’ve never given up on each other. That’s why we’re still together. Admittingly imperfect and in need of constant compassion and forgiveness, in a not so far off place anymore, but happily growing old together.  

You want to know what the secret is? Well, it’s nothing hush-hush or earth shattering. That's for sure. It’s pretty basic really. First, you've gotta get real. Throw out every last one of your unattainable, high over the top expectations. And then you've gotta start learning to listen, really communicate, talk, admit you could be wrong, let go of the need to have the last word and not only give, but accept forgiveness. Believe me, it’s taken both my hubby and I decades to “get this” secret down and into our heads. 

Now let me back this up a little bit. Does “getting this” and understanding the concepts, mean we’ve arrived at wedded bliss? Does it mean we no longer fail each other or our kids? Oh, heck no! Marriage and parenting, just like life, is an everyday struggle. New lessons pop up all the time. And yes, we most certainly bomb those pop quizzes on a regular basis no matter how much we think we know. 

But that's the thing about growing older. Our vision changes. And while our bodies may weaken, our spirits don't. We don't always agree or see eye to eye. We still get mad and throw our hands up. Complain and fuss that the other is difficult. We definitely stew about whatever is under our skin. But we’ve learned to let it go and meet in the middle. No amount of anger or hurt feelings are worth losing the other. Being angry and shutting down gets us nowhere.  Except angrier and more combative. The bottom line is denying we’re human, and our imperfections only set us up for disappointment and resentment.  

You know the difference between the 22-year-old and the near 50-year-old me?  I don’t just think I’m a mess anymore. I know I am. I've accepted I’m not always easy to deal with. My feelings get hurt. My Irish temper gets raised. At this point I’m not only aware I've failed myself at times I know I’ve failed my husband too. And, after all this time I’ve accepted I’ve disappointed my children along the way t as well. At the end of the day though, my husband still loves me.  And if one of us goes down, we both do. 

I couldn't imagine the road in front of us when we first started. But now, after 27 years I can see how far we’ve come even if no one else ever does. Almost three decades together, my husband and I truly appreciate and accept each other's flaws.  It doesn’t matter how mad we are, we don’t carry it over into a new day. Those days are long gone. We've grown up. Become the adults we thought we already were. And I'll tell you the truth, that’s been a hard lesson learned.  

Nope, it’s not always roses, sunshine and unicorns. But you know what? Every once in a while, in that far off place, sometimes it is.  

“A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.” ~ Kate Stewart 

~Merida Grace