Life lesson #485 ~ A Letter of Hope

 

I’m an optimist. Always have been, and always will be. It’s just who I am. I like to see the good in people and situations. I try to look past the negative. Not that I don't have moments of doubt and skepticism or hesitation. I do. I’m a realist too. I understand that not everything is going to come up roses. However, just because I have moments of confusion or uncertainty doesn’t mean I lose hope. I always have hope. 

Some folks ask how I keep a smile on my face, especially when I’m at my lowest. I’ll be real with you here. I may be an optimist, but I’ve learned how to hide my pain and smile through it. Sometimes it’s easier to smile rather than explain. Chronic illness has taken a lot from me. Especially in the past 3 years. Surgeries, loss and grief have taken their toll. Estrangement has broken me. And yes, I feel every pin and needle prick drawing more and more energy from me every day. Still, I smile. Why? Because I have hope that whatever the outcome, I’ll find peace at the end of the tunnel. 

I could say I’m unstoppable. But I’m not. I’m strong and determined. I’m a fighter, and I know how to get back up and push through. Still, there are days when I don’t want to get back up on my feet. I just want to lie there and be done with it all. I’m tired. Exhausted really. I’m sleeping more, laying in bed too long trying to rest my mind, body and soul. I know I’m pulling away and slipping deeper into thought. I can feel the illness inside taking its toll. The physical pain, working and emotional worry plus the meds, infusions, injections, appointments and tests are wearing me down.  Depression comes and goes. Anxiety creeps in and shuts me down. But still, I have hope even as I’m struggling. I know and I understand my body is failing. I‘ve accepted that one day I won't beat the odds. But for now, for today, even at my lowest point I choose hope. No, I'm not unstoppable, however I’m certainly not defeated. 

I know I've seemed a bit distant lately, but don’t worry. I may not be ok right now, but I will be. I’m not well, but I’m mending. I’m pulling myself back together, being alone and quiet and focusing on healing. I’m listening to my body, slowing down, paying attention to my heart, sorting out my emotions and figuring out tomorrow. I’m not done. I haven’t given in or up. I’m just recharging, being still and resting   

Just know, if you're worried or alarmed, it's OK.. Remember I’m an optimist. I'll always be hopeful. Hope is my strength. So, even while I'm struggling today, I’m still fighting for tomorrow. I'll always be fighting for tomorrow.

 

~ Merida Grace