Life Lesson #449 ~ Winter To Spring

“Accept that everyone will disappoint you at some point in life. Be OK with that. Know that you will disappoint everyone eventually. Be ready to forgive quickly, heal and let go” ~ Buky Ojelabi

I haven’t written for a while. Oh I've meant to, wanted to but just couldn’t no matter how hard I tried. Then today something unexpected happened. As I was listening to my favorite Disney playlist, the lyrics from Toy Story’s “When She Loved Me’ moved me. I don’t know what it was or why it was in those moments I felt it, but I did. Emotion overwhelmed me. Unspoken, pent up thoughts stirred. Life breathed  back into my pen. Suddenly words were bubbled up and out of me. My thoughts were once again words on paper. 

Let’s face it, since March life has been turned upside down, kicked sideways, turned backwards,  upwards, slightly right  side up and before being tossed upside down all over again. We’ve been shut in, isolated and removed from life as we’ve always known it. Masks are now a thing, face shields seem to be making a slash, daily temperature checks are normal and toilet paper, well let’s not go there. I mean who’d have thought just six months ago you’d see folks in banks and grocery stores not only wearing face masks but bandanas. What would have alarmed us then is now our new normal. How can you deny it? We’re resilient, and in the middle of all this madness we’ve adjusted and evolved. 

We're still welcoming new babies, celebrating birthdays and anniversaries, just in a new social distancing kind of way. Sure we now stand 6 feet apart, and eat in more often. Card games and all those old board games we’d forgotten about have been dusted off. No doubt we appreciate being outdoors and breathing fresh air more than ever. Some of us are working from home, or unfortunately, not working at all. Kids are home schooling and a staycation is the new norm. Hugs have become virtual. Duo and Zoom are now the new norm when it comes to lunch dates. And as for our friendships and relationships, well they really aren’t any different...they still have to evolve to survive. The only difference is we’re having to learn a bit quicker and be more deliberate with our actions. And there’s no debate, communication has never been as important as it is right now and that’s the doggone truth.

Family dynamics have shifted, bonded us or separated us. As for friendships? Well let’s face it. Some have either grown stronger and closer while others have sadly faded away, just slightly out of memory somewhere in the distance of what was once life before quarantine. Twenty-twenty has been a hot minute and the truth is this pandemic has either made or broken relationships. It’s as simple and as complicated as that.

So why do some relationships survive and others don’t? I can’t truthfully answer that. People and relationships aren’t always straightforward or easy to navigate. If we’re being honest most relationships are fragile, delicate, intricate and complex. Why some fail and others don’t really depends on expectations and how invested both parties are. This new world we’re living in more than ever before has no place for assumptions or over thinking. Dancing with hurt feelings is tricky. You’ve gotta know when to sit out or add a spin around the hall to your dance card. And knowing the difference, or getting the timing right, isn’t as clear as it seems on paper. Like I said, friendships aren’t trouble -free. Friendships are relationships, and relationships of any kind require work, kindness, space at times, sacrifice, a give and take, communication and above else understanding. 

OK, so I have a question? When times get tough do you hover and panic? Do you sit tight, join the shield wall and lead the way or do you make judgments, pull the plug and make a run for it? Seriously, it’s important to know what kind of a person you are when conflict appears on the radar. Why? Well you’ve gotta understand yourself before you can expect anyone else to understand you. Leon Brown hits the nail on the head. “It all begins and ends in your mind. What you give power to, has power over you, if you allow it.” Bottom line, if you give hurt, anger and assumption power constantly, you can’t expect your relationships to survive. The biggest friendship killers are guesswork , preconceived ideas and gossip. Speculation and conjunction are nothing more than loathsome hijackers looking for an unaware pilot.

To tell you the truth I used to be a hover. I’d dig in so deep I couldn’t let go of relationships or people not good for me. I’d allow myself to be used, talked down to or even ridiculed. Not a good way to live. I didn’t know how to communicate my emotions properly or allow a relationship to evolve out of my life with grace. Ultimately, I made excuses for bad behavior, whether it was mine or theirs. Not a good look, huh? We’ve all been there though, right?  Making assumptions, coming to conclusions without all the facts and allowing our emotions to dictate the outcome. In my case it didn’t matter if they’d outgrown me, out used or simply taken a new path not meant for me, I had a hard time moving on. I won’t sugar coat my journey. It took a long time for me to understand L.J. Vaniere’s words, “Let go of the attachment, but keep the lesson.”

Let me tell you, the hardest lesson of all, in the middle of a pandemic or not is learning not all relationships are meant to last forever. Let’s face it some people come into our lives to teach us how to love or even to stand up for ourselves. Others aren’t meant for us at all, while some are stepping stones. And then there’s those magical forever friendships. The ones meant to guide us, to light our way and those who’d happily down with the ship side by side.

Know what though? Even those strong, steady, rock solid relationships can sway a little bit from time to time. Misunderstandings will happen, life will throw a wrench at us, we’ll misread an action or a thought and react in a most unthinkable way. The difference between forfeiting and overcoming, if I can paraphrase Brene Brown is this, “Talk to people, instead of talking about them.” All relationships and every friendship for that matter is going to go through dark times. Some forks in the road are meant to move us forward together and some navigate us apart. Shaky ground isn’t avoidable  Hurt feelings are gonna happen. Misunderstandings and mistakes are part of the course. Friendships and relationships go through tough winters, summer’s warmth, fall’s harvest and spring’s new beginning. Life itself is an endless, revolving cycle of seasons. The old testament gives us a pretty good idea of how life and friendships work in Ecclesiastes. Chapter three tells us, “To every thing there is a season.” Verse four expands our insight even more. “...a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” 

So what does a Disney song about a doll and her sad melancholy ballad have to do with friendships, relationships and loss? Well everything! Listen to the lyrics. “And when she was sad I was there to dry her tears and when she was happy so was I… when she loved me, And when she was lonely I was there to comfort her and I knew she loved me. So the years went by. I stayed the same but she began to drift away. I was left alone. Still I waited for the day when she’d say, “I will always love you.” These words flowing off Sara McLachlan's tongue moved me. Spoke to me. Stirred emotions inside me, and yes, inspired my pen to finally put words to paper.

We’ve all felt the sting of this virus, a worldwide pandemic taking life and instilling fear one way or another..And while it’s brought many of us together, it’s also divided too many of us as well. The thing is, life is unpredictable and so our relationships. No one is perfect, we all fail, disappoint and let loved ones down. Remember that, especially when you’re feeling the weight of loss and grief on your shoulder. We’re only human. We make mistakes, let our demons escape and say things we immediately regret. Where pride, misgivings and our next steps take us next is up to us, individually. You're solely responsible for you. Accept that. Tupac once said, “You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over- analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened….or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on.”  

I’m not an expert or a fortune teller. I can’t see the future. I have no idea what tomorrow holds, but I do know the One who does. And so this is today’s Life Lesson, #449~ Winter To Spring. Yes, change is inevitable. Go on. Let it hurt as long as you must but let it heal, then let it go. When loneliness surfaces or friends and loved ones disappoint you, keep your head up and try if you can to keep these words in mind, “If you feel like you’re losing everything, just remember trees lose their leaves every year, but still they stand tall and wait for better days to come.” (Unknown)

Chin up buttercup. This pandemic won’t last forever. No matter how things look or how we feel right now in the thick of it, this virus isn’t the end of everything good. Spring is coming. Just you wait and see. Just remember, there’s a time for everything, including endings. And you know what? That’s OK. 

~Merida Grace

“What we know now is that when we deny our emotion, it owns us. When we own our emotion, we can rebuild and find our way through the pain.” ~Brene Brown