Life Lesson #242 ~ Truly Loved

“As a mom I go to bed every night promising myself that I will do better. Most days I stumble, some days I am down right ashamed of my behavior. I wish I was perfect for you, but I am human and sometimes I will fail. But I promise to never ever give up!” ~ Unknown

Growing up an only child with a rather big imagination I kept my mama on her toes. I had dreams as big and wide as the open skies of Texas. By now I shouldn’t have to tell you my dreams were equally as big as my imagination. I’d spend hours dreaming up adventures in far off places, I spent most of my afternoons daydreaming about kings and queens,  knights, dragons, the Jedi and of course superheroes. I wanted to grow up and be a teacher, writer, singer, dancer and even a soldier like my daddy. Contrary to popular opinion at the height of the late 70's and early 80's becoming a mom was at the top of my list too. I told you I had dreams...big ones.

Now I won’t candy coat the truth, life made a fairly good attempt to get in the way. It always does though, right? If it wasn’t one thing it was another. Diabetes, learning disabilities and the beginning of my autoimmune complications tried throwing a wrench in my plans, especially the ones concerning being a mom. This is the thing though; I never gave up or took no for an answer. I’m rather obstinate that way.  

I have to tell y'all having dreams and seeing those same dreams come true are two completely different things altogether. I know because by the time my biggest dream came true, I was petrified. I don’t know about you but being a first-time mom, I had no idea what I was doing whatsoever. Everyone had an opinion and according to everyone else I was doing it all wrong. Some days I felt as if I was drowning in well-meaning counsel...let them cry, don’t let them cry, breast feed, don’t breast feed, put them in your bed, keep ‘em out of your bed. The advice was never ending. However, the one person I could and always relied upon was my Mama. Yes, she was always there with sound advice to guide me but more than a list of directions she let me figure out my own way of doing things too.  

By today's standards, I was a young mom. I had my first baby by the age of 23 years old and my second at the age of 25. Truth is, I was scared, excited and completely unprepared for what the next 20 some years would bring. I wanted to give my babies my all, you know? Sure, I had a lot to learn but no one had to tell me my boys were the greatest blessings of my life. Like all moms, I had ideas of the kind of mama I wanted to be. I dreamed of always being calm and kind, never letting my children down or ever having to say no to a toy. I wanted to give them the world, to be the kind of mom who always had warm cookies baked with a cold glass of milk poured and ready after school. I failed.  

I can't tell ya'll how much it broke my heart to drop them off at school and watch them walk in and drive away. I wanted to keep my boys little forever, but when it comes to our children forever isn’t our reality. We have to let them grow up and let them go when they’re ready. I remember bringing lunches to school, sitting next to them as they ate and praying this world wouldn't be cruel. I cringed at the thought of knowing they might feel left out or ignored. But more than anything I wanted to protect both my boys from hurtful words, unkind gestures or harsh rejection. Again, I failed.

As a mama all I ever wanted for my children was to see them happy. When I was sick, and the cancer ate away at my insides, I'd dream of watching them graduate, becoming men and finding love. I loved watching my children play baseball or skateboard out front. I cherished every drawing and handwritten note they gave me. Just as I do now, I prayed every night for their safekeeping and as my dreams came true, I wanted theirs to become a reality too. As my boys grew I realized just how much sacrifice was part of being a parent; and even when I went without, i knew it was worth it. There were many years Johnny and I went without gifts under the tree just so our boys wouldn’t feel the disappointment of a forgotten gift. And still as a mom, l I failed them.  

How have I failed them time and time again? First, I’m human, very human. Second, I’m as far from perfect as the devil himself is. I screw up, miss things, get preoccupied, even sidetracked, forget conversations and I don’t always listen as well as I should. I’m just as broken and flawed as everyone else. The truth is I’ve failed my boys over and over again. I’ve tried to be the perfect mom, to say all the right things and given until I’ve come up empty. None of it matters though. In the grand scheme of things if my children go to bed hungry or without a favorite toy, I haven’t failed. No, I’ve only failed if they ever truly fall asleep doubting I love them. See mama, our kids may not like us at times, they might even hate us, running as far away from home as they can and reject us for years, but if you’ve truly loved your children, never giving up on them, your love will stay with them always.  

Look as much as I may want to be, I’m not a Disney mom. I’m far from perfect in every sense of the word. I’m not as clever as Mary Poppins or perfect in every way as she is. I’m not invulnerable or capable of shape shifting like Mrs. Incredible. I can’t mend a tapestry and suddenly find everything right in the world like Queen Elinor. I don’t have the strength of Tarzan’s Mom, Kala, the elegance of 101 Dalmatians Perdita or the patience of Roo’s mama Kanga from the 100 Acre Wood. I’m not a fictional mother. I’m a real life, breathing human being with all kinds of imperfections, flaws and faults. I can be quick tempered and worrisome. I’m way too logical and over protective in more times than my boys probably care to count. And while it tends to get me in trouble a lot, I’m simply a loving mama bear who only wants to protect her cubs. Truth is I have more shortcomings than I do redemptive qualities. But you know what? In spite of all my inadequacies, I do have a warm, loving and compassionate heart. And you do too mama.  

There's no doubt whatsoever in mind you’re a mom like me. Know what that means? With every breath you’ve taken you've done your best, even if it feels like it hasn't  been enough. I think sometimes we forget moms are human. We don't have super powers or amazing abilities. Well, not unless you count loving your children with all your heart as an expertise. We can read, attend classes, practice changing diapers and swaddling all we want but when it comes down to it, life is the best teacher. Let’s face it, the only how-to instructions come from making real life, real time decisions. And the reality is I’ve made some doozies. Believe you me, I’ve fallen flat on my face more times than I can count while raising my boys. Hopefully no one's counting or keeping score because I’ve made more than my share of seriously questionable choices in last 20 plus years while being a mom.

Know what mama? In spite of our failures, inadequacies or inefficiencies we love our children. As mamas we kiss our babies boo boos, wipe their tears, tuck them into bed, sing songs, read stories and then we send them off and out into the world. Nothing about letting go is easy mama. I’m here to tell you it’s one of the hardest things you will ever do. Doesn’t matter how much you love your babies, you’ll always second guess yourself. Did you do enough? The answer is yes, you did. Were you perfect? No, you weren’t but you know what? It’s perfectly OK. Take it from this second-rate, old and broken mama, your unconditional love is enough. So this week of all weeks,give yourself a little slack. Mother’s Day is almost here after all. And whether or not you feel like a good mom or not, you know the strength of your love and so do your children. They’ve heard it, known it and felt your heartbeat from the inside either growing beneath your heart or inside it. Our children do outgrow our laps, naps in our arms and butterfly kisses but they never outgrow our hearts, even if they think they have. Mama, maybe you’re estranged from your child, could be he’s still at home, or she’s half grown, or you might be praying for God to still place your little dream in your arms. Whatever the circumstances are don’t let the weight of this world's unrealistic expectations ever leave you questioning your ability to love your child yesterday, today or tomorrow. Let me tell you, the undeniable certainty of Life Lesson #242 ~ Truly Loved, is this...it doesn’t matter how far away our children venture or how long they stay away, the gospel truth stays the same...your child is truly and abundantly loved by you.

So, the question is this. What do we do after we let them go? It's an easy answer but hard to do...we pray and trust God. He answered our prayers all those years ago and now it's time to trust Him again. Pour your heart out mama, petition our Heavenly Father and believe one day, years from now when our children are grown and have families of their own, they will know they were loved. Believe me, whether they admit it or not our children know deep down no matter what happens between us that we love them. Doesn't really matter what they do, where they go or if we agree or disagree. We know we'll always love our kids, and so do they. As a mama of grown children myself at 25, 30 and even at 50 years old “I hope they still come through that door without knocking. I hope they head to the kitchen for a snack, and rifle through the mail looking for a magazine they always read. I hope they come in and feel the weight of adulthood leave them., for they are home. For my children, my door will forever be open.” I am their mama after all.  

I can’t promise I'll live to be 100 years old or leave riches beyond my boy's wildest dreams once I’m gone. What I can promise my children though is this... I will love them with all my heart and with all my life for their whole life. 1 Samuel 1:27 says this, "I prayed for this child, and the LORD granted my request.” And I did. I prayed and believed God would give me children. He graciously gave me two. Has the journey been easy? No, it hasn’t. Have there been bumps in the road? Yes, oh goodness yes. Has my heart been broken? More often than not. All of its true but I can tell you this, being a mom has been the biggest, most fulfilling dream of my life. Has it been worth it? Indeed, it has... every last beautiful, joyful and heartbreaking second.

“Motherhood is a million little moments that God weaves together with grace, redemption, laughter, tears and most of all, love.” ~ Lysa Terkeurst

~Merida Grace