Life Lesson # 238~ The Monster Behind the Mask
“The body remembers. Stuffed until an event, a sound, a sight, a touch, a word or a person awaken them.” ~ Unknown
The tale I'm about to tell you is dark, suppressed underneath the depths of one little girl's soul for decades....an account almost too disturbing to tell. At first the darkness gave me no choice. The truth screamed to be heard but today I hold the pen in my own hand as her cries for help no longer fall on deaf ears. The truth inside me has surfaced, forming into words. See, she no longer begs, she demands her story to be told. And after all this time, what I know to be true is this...sometimes we have to take the first step, say the words out loud and let them fall where they will. And so, with courage and bravery today, I’ll not only confront but pen an open letter to the thief who stole her young stainless heart so long ago.
There’s no question my story is dark. The tale I have to tell you is one of betrayal and brutality. It’s dastardly and inconceivable but every word is true. You see the beast inside the devil at her door was fierce and bold, without guilt or conscience. With his cold, dark eyes, anxious smirk and agitated laugh he quickly overtook the light inside her small protected world. Without notice or consent she was helplessly chained to an emotional wall, shackled to the floor of his own dark and unholy hell. With her tear-stained face down and her knees covering her shame all she could do was pray to survive. The beast’s world was nothing like hers. She came from a place of hope and goodness, filled with light and joy. His inferno was built on hate, constructed upon self-loathing and assembled by his vicious and sorted, black heart.
Monsters do live under the bed. I know, I’ve lived with one too. They crawl out from inside the closet or come in through an unlocked window. Monsters materialize in all shapes, sizes and colors. Some even appear human. Don’t fool yourselves for a minute. I’m here to tell you they walk among us. With two legs, a welcoming smile and even a name like yours and mine these creatures speak with an unnatural authority. They have but one mission and it’s to control, dominate and master your soul. As for the monster in her closet? He first appeared when she was six years old. She’d seen demons before, with their distorted faces and twisted, gnarled egos. She knew they existed. I guess she just never thought she’d find herself in an up close and personal relationship with one.
To really tell my story through her eyes we have to step back in time. The darkness I’m telling you about today flooded the corners of her conscious mind some 39 years ago. Crawling out from under her bed with dripping fangs and claws scraping the underbelly of her once peaceful sleep, the beast made his first appearance. As a little girl she imagined the monster at the door looking much like the Horned King from Disney's, The Black Cauldron. With his creepy skeletal appearance, green rotting flesh, beady yellow eyes, red pupils, and of course the bony like, gnarled horns coming from his head, she saw him for the real monster he was and through the mask hiding his bad tempered and abusive black heart.
This beast had a hunger so ravenous, a thirst absolutely unquenchable you and I would both be terrified. See she was a tiny thing back then., dollop of red hair and enough freckles to light up the night sky but not yet strong enough to swing a sword or slam the closet shut on her own. This little girl was fierce, but she was small. Some would say she was born with an old soul and a wide, bright smile. I don’t think anyone would deny she was bursting with energy and had this contagious kind of laughter that always spilled over. She was a kind soul. She saw goodness in everyone. She couldn’t help it. She made friends with everybody, including the monsters living under the bed. Then one day, watching from his perch, he saw she was vulnerable. And she was. For the first time in her small life, at the age of six, she was unprotected and with her daddy stationed halfway around the world, one of those monsters bit back.
How did she survive those horrific months of hell? What could she do? She was his victim, his prey and although she hadn’t asked for his attention, it was unleashed upon her anyway. And so, in her angst she got up every day and prayed for an escape and protection from any further assaults,. The saddest thing is she also learned to live with, conceal and repress the beast's rage. Living in fear this little girl retreated into the depths of her imagination looking for light anywhere it could be found. The sad truth is one morning she woke up dancing in the light only to fall asleep terrified and tattooed by the vile mark of the beast.
I won’t sugar coat any of this. The beast's wickedness haunted her memories for years. Even when he’d receded into the deepest corners of her mind, she could feel his bone chilling fingers shredding her childhood to pieces. She bolted the door shut for years careful to speak only to those closest to her but never fully telling the full story. Today, however the floodgates have broken andin the time since, she’s clung to the words of C.G. Jung. “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” Almost 40 years later, I am an instrument of truth and I will not be silenced. This is not only her story, dark and heavy as it is. It is mine to tell as well.
Till this day even though the horns have fallen off, and the duct from the beast’s bones has been swept away and scattered, our little girl lost can still see his face and hear his sneering voice somewhere in the back of her mind. And on some occasions, she feels his old curse settle in. Most chilling is when she gets a whiff of his foul smell. I won’t tell you fear doesn’t try creeping back in, but I can tell you this….Neither she nor I am afraid of this monster anymore. Are you listening to me? Fear, do you hear me? There is no shrine, nothing left to parade out of the closet. The scars have healed and as C. S. Lewis once said, “On the back of Satan’s neck is a nail scarred footprint.” You see, she’s a strong woman today. What you did to her changed her but not in the ways you might think. She is not stained or marred. She is whole by the hands of a God whose love is greater than your contempt, bitterness and crimes. The ghosts of you past, the ones that haunt you, have no power over her anymore. What she is today is a survivor and a warrior. She has grown independent, broken free from your chains. Her faith is not tainted despite your attempt. She can defend herself now. She carries a sword of the Spirit in her heart, and a blade of truth in her hand. Her words, well they’ve become a strong shield fighting against your lies. And no, I don’t have to say your name out loud to expose who you are. All I must do is tell her story. You see, while many believe karma is a pain in the butt, I know better. See sin catches up to us, one way or another. And yours, it’s at your heels.
Maybe you thought she’d forget, dismiss her memories as an overactive imagination or simple childhood nightmares. She didn’t. I didn’t. Yes, I am that little girl. I know what you did. I was there too, remember? And I remember it all, every last bit of it. The truth is I’ve always known. It’s been a living memory in the back of my mind and until now it’s been hidden in the shadows. I’m sure the monster inside you thought that scared little girl would take your secret to the grave. Don’t lie to yourself though. The truth’s been present every day since 1980. You see, the truth always comes to light. The reality is for years only a few knew of your treachery but today however, I’ve told her story and my heart has made a conscious decision, a choice I dare not question. I’ve spent weeks tossing, turning and contemplating each and every word, memory and thought floating to the surface of my mind. The dark truth hiding inside the shadows has been relentless in her pursuit of my pen. And today I’m putting you on notice... in the telling of my sorted tale, I’ve broken your chains.
You’re power over me is gone. This chapter of my life is closed. And while no story is as important as the one I’ve told today filled with monsters, sinister and malevolent...alongside memories covered in darkness and dread, there are far better tales yet to tell. And tell them I will. Atticus said, “It didn’t matter that she fell apart, it was how she put herself back together.” This is our proclamation to the monster behind the mask, long overdue as it is. I know God’s love and grace are greater than fear. And so, I speak this out loud to you now. I forgive you. Let me make this crystal clear though, it’s not because I’ve forgotten your travesty or crimes. This was not my sin, or the little girl lost in your shadow, it’s yours through all eternity. I do not owe you forgiveness. I owe it to myself and the little girl I once was. Why? Because I choose all the things you lack... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility and self-control for our lives. Galatians 5:22-23 is clear, the Spirit of God produces all these things and His spirit lives within me as it always has.
The Horned King lives no more. So, go ahead, take off your mask. I know your face. I know your name underneath the disguise. I’ve seen what hides inside you, behind the shroud. I’m not here as your judge or jury today. I’m simply a witness to your monstrous and beastly acts of abuse. Understand my story is not the final word and while my words have power, God's are fully transparent. Your secret has always been known. After all, doesn’t Matthew 25:40 say,” I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me.” Are you listening? What you did to me and to her, you did to Him.
My message here is simple. Evil lurks in every corner, behind every door and under every bed, it’s the way of this world, but you know what? It can’t hide its face forever. Darkness will eventually be exposed by the light. And the truth inside Life Lesson #238~ The Monster Behind the Mask is this….” strength is what we gain from the madness we survive.” (unknown) And survive she did!
“You’re not a victim for sharing your story. You’re a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth. And you never know who needs your light, your warmth and raging courage.” ~ Alex Elle
~Merida Grace
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