Life Lesson #224 ~ Growing Up in Wonderland

“When you go through tragedy, you can either let that destroy you and you become bitter and never let it go, or you can let it make you stronger and let it make you grow.” ~ Evanescence

The reality is life's not a bed of roses. If anyone taught us this, it’s the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland. For all the roses she had, she was still angry, bitter, broken and never happy. Life can deal us tragedy, pain and hurt just as much as it offers hope, joy and happiness. It all comes down to how we decide to play the hand we’re dealt. Personally, my life has been a constant struggle. I’m not just talking the physical disadvantages or disabilities either. I’m speaking of spiritual battles, emotional scuffles and mental brawls. Life is difficult. There's no other way around it. My children have learned this first hand. As life has had it, they’ve wrestled their own demons to the ground along the way. Jane Campion shares a wonderful perspective. She says this. “Tragedy makes you grown up.” I can garontee, as we say down here, this is fact. The truth hidden inside each and every gift we receive has some sort of a fight, struggle or scrap wrapped up inside first.I'll tell you this though. Like an echo, unknown in origin sounding across the universe, truth still speaks to our souls. "How you choose to show up magnetizes what shows up for you.” Personally, I’ve seen hope show up time and time again. Being positive in a really bad, awful situation doesn’t mean you’ve won the battle. However, being confident or optimistic in a scrap does improve your chances, now doesn’t it? Of course, we’re going to be sad, even angry in those moments. It’s natural. What we have to do though is keep going, moving along anyway. Genesis 50:20 resounds this for me. "What the enemy intended for harm, God intended for good.” Our lives are a canvas. God's brush strokes move with purpose. If life has given me anything worth sharing with you today, it’s this. "Wear your tragedies as armor, not shackles. “(Unknown)

No exaggeration, my children have faced more uncertainty than most adults could possibly conceive. Monsters literally crawled out from under the bed. Demons clawed their way up from the deepest pits of hell. Some days it seriously felt like the Devil himself released the hounds of hell upon our ankles.The beast known  to us as cancer came boldly. In fact she burned down our door. Before my children's little eyes, a fire breathing devil dragged their mama off into the deep, darkest trenches of chemo. Indeed, we fought back and drew our swords even, fighting valiantly as our battered caravan made our way through the beast's lair. Some months we embraced victory while others, defeat. During these times we learned what Norman Cousins meant when he said, “The tragedy of life is not death, but what we let die inside of us while we live.” Come hell or high water we kept fighting and living...fully. inside each and every moment we had. We may have been dead on our feet, that was a given, but we understood we had to live while the gettin’ was good. And so, we did. We stopped saving things for special occasions. Every day was a special occasion. Heck, being alive was special occasion enough in our book. I mean, truth be told breast cancer was just lovely. No, that’s not a compliment either. Here in the South, it’s far from it. As hard as it was living with the cancer myself, it was ten times harder on my family. Terri Clark is really honest. "When someone has cancer, the whole family does. Definitely the reality for my little band of ragamuffins. Certainly, breast cancer and everything she dropped on our doorstep had us plum tuckered out...and long before we even had the chance to reach the halfway mark. Proverbs 3:5-6 became our calling card. We clung to it. Repeating it every day... multiple times. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do and He will show you which path to take.”  

I wonder, have you ever asked yourself what it might be like as child growing up inside the lair of a fire breathing beast? What if you were only 9 years old and your mama was diagnosed with breast cancer? What would life be like crying yourself to sleep? How would you cope being scared she could be taken from you in the middle of the night? What if you listened to your little brother cry himself to sleep? Then muffled your own to protect him? This was our reality. I fought hard for my boys, the life I had with my husband all the time praying for more time. I tried my best to put on a brave face. Every night I’d tuck them in, some of those nights were in my own bed. With a kiss and a hug I whispered ’goodnight little ones, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite’. I saw their fear. I felt it deep in my bones. The question and worry written in their eyes...what would they wake to. I was helpless but for the hope I held tightly within. My children clung to me as they slept. Micah, rubbing my bald head drifting off to sleep. Joshua, wrapping his hands inside mine. I knew what they feared...death by the talons of a beast they couldn't see or hear. Yet still, she was there... breathing down our necks. And all this came at just 7 years old. Carl Jung’s word may have stung a bit as we passed through the underbelly of Wonderland still, we knew how very wise they were. ” The only way out is through.” So, through we went.

We’ve all heard Lewis Carroll’s familiar words, right ” There is a place like no place on Earth. A land full of wonder, mystery and danger.” We certainly landed there ourselves some 12 years ago. Now mind you, we never went lookin’ for a trip down the rabbit’s hole or a seat at the Mad Hatter’s table. God love it though, we found ‘em both. Like Alice, we were definitely thinkin’ what she was sayin’ out loud. “It would be nice if something would make sense for a change" I mean things were about as clear as mud honestly. Nothing made sense, not really. Cancer, seriously? I was 32 years old with no family history whatsoever. Chemo, are you kidding me? I had to simmer down, and fast. If I allowed myself, I could've certainly been up till the crack of dawn pondering our escape out of Wonderland. Or I could rest, get up and make deposits in my children’s lives, every day. I chose the latter. My heart was broken, it’s true. I watched both boys struggle through the pain and hurt. We were fighting, strong, with our feet on the ground but still uncertainty rested at our feet. I watched my boys, at seven and nine years old struggle with school, distant friendships, bullies and the ever-changing pace of growing up in this odd, peculiar place we call Wonderland. Fear was always present. However, so was our faith and hope in Jesus Christ. He was and is a constant. His words in Hebrews 6:19 were always on our mind. "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” Even in the darkest places, God’s love can radiate inside of us. And I saw this very light in my children no matter how difficult the descent was.

Yes, I saw the pain. I felt it, deeply. Cancer changed our family, but never destroyed us. The beast came for me, demanding my life. She indeed dragged us all away. The scars left behind, long after her reign, still tell our story. The marks on my body, her imprints across our souls serve one purpose and that is to remind us each and every day cancer failed. And still, there’s an unknown story many don’t see when it comes to my battle. It's not my story. Not really. This tale belongs to my boys... my children, raised under the beasts’ rule. Her painful sting, scratching across the hearts of my children was totally and completely different from mine. As an adult I could cope even if I was falling apart inside. I certainly struggled through the pain myself, hiding worry and fear behind humor. I may have even faked strength on many occasions. A smile, a joke and a bandanna tied around my bald head served me well. My boys however, knew better. Despite the emotional super glue holding mom together, I was scared too. I did eventually come out the other end of rabbit’s hole, a little disarrayed truthfully. Still, I pushed through to the other side, right? No one said Wonderland was inhabited by the sane anyway. The truth is we’re all a little mad here. How else would you survive such a widespread lunacy as cancer?

Do we dance in the sun, kick the ball around and sleep peacefully? Yes, we do.It's been over a decade now. Imagine though, if you will, going to bed at night, dreaming of the sky turning black. Think of being on a school bus every afternoon wondering what news awaits you at home. No, I don’t mean daydreaming about video games, cookies or skateboards. I’m talking about a desperate desire to know if your mom is going to be alive when you do. These are the struggles my children battled in the face of breast cancer. They grew up in a world filled with uncertainty and worry. Honestly taking a spin in the Mad Hatter’s Tea Cups was just part of an average day growing up in Wonderland. Under the reign and rule of the Red Queen and her beast day became night and night day. Nothing was ever as it seemed. At tender, young ages my boys faced loss. They grew up fast, working to turn things right, desperate to save the day and defeat the Jabberwocky. Oh, so precious are their hearts. As a mother watching her children's lives torn apart by circumstances I had no control over I was crushed. Cancer's drums were deafening. I can’t honestly explain how my heart broke watching my own children live with no direction some days, lost and wandering in and out of the tunnels beneath Wonderland. It was difficult. There were even some adults, acting out in fear themselves who offered no sympathy to my children, overlooked them purposely. The boys faced rejection often. Many would lash out failing to understand their needs in all of cancer's mess. Sadly. this was common. As a mother, I was heartbroken. Still I whispered into their ears every night how deep my love was. I prayed my words would sink in and I spoke Joel 2:25 over them as they slept. “God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing. All you need is faith.” And true to His Word, God restored hope and faith, creating beauty out of the very ashes breast cancer left behind.

Now let's be clear the beast’s rule came with her share of navigation errors, that’s for sure. The really hard part of traveling through Wonderland as a child seems to be getting lost in the tunnels. My boys, ended up spending a good deal of their young life in Wonderland. Why? Well it’s all they ever really knew. Breast cancer doesn’t come with a manual. She may withdraw, but the threat of her return is always present. Did my boys ever adjust? Yes, they most certainly did. In the years following, both grew up into well adjusted, thriving and talented adults. One is a musician, the other an artist. The reality however is, our normal is the world’s unusual. C.S. Lewis once said.” Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.” This is the very reason growing up in Wonderland isn't a curse. Looking back on this place, full of difficulties, none of it has been a distortion of reality. Instead it's been a pilgrimage of truth.. always forward moving, toward our destiny. As a family, we’ve faced some sizable if not rather spectacular circumstances. Yet, here we are. We’ve made it across the great, big, wide unknown together. Our hearts without question have been carved out bigger and brighter. This journey and upside down expedition through Wonderland, has surely shaped and revealed our hearts in ways no one could have imagined. The truth, without the rose - colored glasses, our faith is stronger. Hope is a constant. Cancer gave us that. The thing we all should understand is no matter the circumstances, being positive, or rather optimistic doesn’t mean we deny the difficulties. We accept sadness as much as happiness. Both are two sides of the same coin we call life, and ultimately both have made us who we are in the end.

It’s been twelve years since the beast showed up on our doorstep. We no longer fear tomorrow. Why? It’s not garonteed to anyone. As for the Jabberwocky of Wonderland? Well, she’s been tamed. We now walk together side by side. We share a mutual respect and perspective of truth. The boys have left this place, mostly anyway. I found myself, even in the midst of all the gobbledygook cancer enfolded us in. Today, I've come to understand the most memorable things in life aren’t material. Our memories, the places we’ve been with those we love are without a doubt the most beautiful we own. My hope will always be in Jesus. He has been with me from the start and He'll be next to me when Wonderland’s end comes too. As for the hole out front beside our family tree? Well, it's only visible to our eyes these days. Even when the boys were small this was true. Most times their playmates had no idea what they saw, felt or even dealt with on a daily basis. As the years passed, I saw the entrance to Underland fade. Still, Wonderland called, and the white rabbit, with his dress coat and pocket watch would lead us all back down that tunnel again. Even today, clear of cancer for over a decade, our long-lost friend sometimes appears. And when he does we just smile and fall. After all, this is home, is it not? Coming full circle, we fully understand Alice now. “It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”  

So as I bring this tale to an end I want to say this to my boys. You are my strength, you've always been. The two of you have brought more joy into my life than either one of you can imagine. I’m inspired by your strength, undying joy, unyielding faith, and integrity in the struggle. True, life didn't exactly turn out the way we envisioned it, but life hasn't turned out half bad now has it? Growing up in Wonderland wasn’t an intended destination on our map. I know, an understatement for sure, but you know what? The two of you have sure done an amazing job at navigating all of us through Wonderland. The truth. Sure, we could’ve fallen into the Red Queen’s trap. Become her prisoners. Her beast, the Jabberwocky certainly could've dragged us down into the deepest, darkest tunnels for good. Those things could've been our fate, but it wasn’t. By God’s grace, His light never burned out. Isaiah 14:27 rang true in our lives, still does. “All the forces of darkness cannot stop what God has ordained.” And His light always will. This is the very fabric written into Life Lesson #224 ~ Growing Up in Wonderland. Life is good, because God is greater. In all our inadequacies His ability knows no end. Like Alice and the Hatter, God Himself sits with us in the darkness. Knowing this is the key to making it out of Wonderland. You have to believe you're loved and not abandoned. Never forget, attitude is everything. Thomas S. Monson says it clearly. “If you want to give a light to others, you have to glow yourself.” So go glow. Remember, life without fail is gonna bring chaos and sadness. You can count on it. I’ve learned this though. “When something bad happens, you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.” As a family, we’ve chosen the latter. Be it an unknown source or not, those words carry wisdom. Besides, cancer? Ain’t nobody have time for that!

“Every single challenge you face in life was designed specifically for you. You’ve also been given every single tool you need to overcome it.” ~ Akin Olokun

~Merida Grace