Life Lesson #208 ~ All Tangled Up...

"You will never look more beautiful than when you stumble from the destruction, and smile at surviving the chaos.” ~ Madalyn Beck

Have you ever seen a lantern glowing brightly in the darkness of the night? Ever thought to yourself how exquisite this firelight inside was against the backdrop of nightfall? I’m often taken off guard, left breathless in fact every time I catch a glimpse of the Tangled lanterns inside Disney’s Fantasyland. Besides simply being stunningly beautiful, they’re gracefully illuminating, enlightening and inspiring. I’m reminded each time I pass by of God's grace and goodness surrounding my own life. In many ways I’m taken back to the very moment breast cancer's shadow swept across my chest. As I watch each lantern twinkle, coming to life as the darkness of night breaks out across the sky I hear these words whispered in my ear…”Let the lights guide you home Christie.” I tell you this with a heart full of awe and gratefulness, on those particular magical nights, inside the Magic Kingdom, my heart truly dances underneath my Father's perfect moonlight as His stars accompany and guide me forward along the pathway. For me, seeing each one of Rapunzel's lanterns come to life  and lighting up the Florida sky with such brilliance, I know, “I’m where I’m meant to be.” Much like lanterns ourselves, we must wait for the darkness to set before we can shine.

This darkness I’m speaking of poured out over and into my life in late 2005. I hadn’t realized until then the high-rise over yonder Satan was building was in fact a secluded tower made of fear, alarm and dread. A tower for me. A place where he planned to rob me of all my courage. Like Mother Gothel, the devil was scheming to hide me away, keeping the light within my heart tucked away from the world. With one paralyzing blow, my world was turned upside down. The tower in the woods was prepared and waiting for me. Now from a distance it seemed harmless enough but once inside I was shut away, locked up and a captive of this new predator...cancer. It was the early part of December in 2005 when I first found it. What am I speaking of? Every woman's worst nightmare actually. One night in the shower, not a worry in the world I felt it...an alarming, protruding lump in my left breast. I was just 32 years old, married a little over 10 years and the mama of two young boys. It was less than a month later in January of 2006, the beast and I came face to face for the first time. Breast Cancer knocked on my door, rang the doorbell and then began banging. Then she finally kicked it in dragging me off. And yet despite her desperate attempts to steal me away from my family and the life God intended, I broke free. It took me awhile. After all I’m a hard headed southern girl. I may be slow as molasses from time to time but I'm not above my raisin'. In spite of the Devils devious plans, I still held God’s Word tucked away inside my heart. As Satan’s darkness crept closer, I recalled a song taken from scripture I’d sang out many times as a teenager. His Words comforted me, consoled me and kindled hope inside my heart once again. They were from Psalms 119:105. ”Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.” I believed God’s Word, and because I did, I was able to glimpse a burning fire inside His lanterns off in the distance. My heart battered and bruised, looked out my tower window seeing hundreds of floating lanterns surrounding the sky, filling it with glistening, beautiful and glowing radiant light. See, to quote Thomas Eaton from the Divergent series, “Fear does not shut you down, it wakes you up.” And that is exactly what breast cancer did for me...woke me up inside.

Now if you haven't guessed already, Disney’s Tangled holds a special place in my heart. Maybe it’s because in 2010 my journey through the badlands of breast cancer was still very fresh and new. And much like Rapunzel I was eager to experience life outside of my secluded tower. I desperately wanted to be part of the world outside my window, venturing beyond the walls that enclosed me. Her words began echoing inside my heart daily. “I’ve been looking out a window for eighteen years, dreaming about what I might feel like when those lights rise in the sky. What if it’s not everything I dreamed it would be? I was scared, but God proved bigger. Every time I began to dread and worry, I recalled the rest of the conversation between Flynn Rider and Rapunzel. Flynn looks at her and says, It will be.” Rapunzel still puzzled asks, “And what if it is? What do I do then?” Flynn doesn’t hesitate. He chimes in, “Well that’s the good part I guess. You get to find a new one.” And she does in the end but first sweet Rapunzel has to let go of what has tied her down, and kept her from following her dreams all these years. Jack Kornfield responds to the question of letting go perfectly. “In the end, just three things matter: How well we have lived.  How well we have loved. How well we have learned to let go. "And this is why the lighting of Rapunzel's lanterns inside Fantasyland means so much to me. See all those years ago, looking out from the window of my personal, lonely, isolated tower I realized I needed to stop listening to the Devil. Why? For one, this is the Devil we’re talking about! Hell’s primary occupant, remember? And as the world’s most deceptive storyteller he’s anything but cute. He prowls relentlessly, seeking to devour, tempt and accuse us. Satan, believing he’s God's counterpart can't seem to accept God has no equal. The Devil’s main goal in our lives is to twist and distort the truth. And why? Well because he is the Father of all lies. So how does he talk us in to climbing up and in his tower of enslavement? He does does so by convincing us He holds the key to our freedom. The tragedy of this notion is his power is laughable compared to the  power of God himself. God promises to help us, to rescue us in Isaiah 41:13.’I am the Lord your God; I strengthen you and tell you. Do not be afraid, I will help you.” This is the thing, in order to be set free, first we have to trust Him.

The reality is the Devil was hell-bent on destroying my life. His plans to deceive my heart into believing God had abandoned me inside Satan's tower were in motion. If it wasn’t for my faith in Jesus Christ’s unconditional love, I might have stayed inside that tower until my faith wasted away. See the power Satan holds is in his lie, in the deception God has forgotten you. This is how the Devil gets us all tangled up in his no good, rotten fruit, binge eatin’ banquet of fear, deceit and isolation. If we really want to be free of the Devil's lies, we’ve gotta get clear out of our own way. If not, we’re destined to stay tangled up in the chaos. Once I breathed in deeply I was able to break out of my tower. Satan had intended to keep me locked inside my own prison. Deceiving my mind into holding my spirit inside a lonely tower made of fear, anxiety and hopelessness... and forever if I so allowed him to. Like Mother Gothel Satan wanted to convince me he’d locked me away to protect me. But that was as far from the truth as LA id from New York. Now, I’ve pulled a Rapunzel a time or two in my life as I've tried to reject the Devil’s lyin’ jargon. I laugh at myself today when I hear Rapunzel’s dialogue. “I can’t believe I did this! I can’t believe I did this! I have to go back home! I am never going back! I’m a horrible daughter! Best day ever!” Seriously, back in 2010 I was just as guilty as Rapunzel of escaping, then questioning my judgment again and again. She was all tangled up in her own fears and insecurities, much like I was at the time. So as I watched Rapunzel escape her own tower in 2010 followed by promptly destroying her comfort zone, I was inspired to say the least. See, she took no prisoners. I mean who knew right? Frying pans flying here and there, striking when the iron was hot or not. It all just seemed to reinforce Rapunzel's spitfire beliefs to me. And you can bet I grabbed hold of her attitude quickly and like nobody’s business too. Breast cancer had finally met her match in me and I wasn’t about to back down. From that point on, every time I heard the beast knockin’on the back door I just repeated Rapunzel's line. "No, I won't stop. For every minute of the rest of my life I will fight.” I mean the whole frying pan thing kept reminding me of my southern upbringin’. Whatever the issue, just like Rapunzel herself, I’d be knockin’ it into the middle of next week with my own fryin’ pan. Rapunzel and Flynn taught me “climbing the highest tower becomes less difficult if someone at the end gives you a reason to hold on. “ (unknown) All I had to realize is everyone I loved was waiting for me at the other end. The truth I found once I made the choice to descend, leaving the tower behind me is this. In life we can’t hide ourselves away simply because life is uncertain. Instead, everyday we must climb out of our tower and take a chance on life. And the lanterns? Well..  they’re always there, aren’t they? Just outside our window, floating across the night sky, calling us and guiding us back home again.

So why Tangled? Why Rapunzel? Well, why not? I mean what’s not to love? She’s smart, kind, brave, a bit clumsy, curious, adventurous, a little broken and insecure but still very strong and courageous. I too have been a little broken inside. Yet my heart’s still strong... despite breast cancer's imprisonment. I relate to this lost princess in many ways. I feel a kinship to her, my spirit mirroring her own many times. Like myself, she’s naive, warm and owns an energetic heart. I too was broken, but not completely. Why? Well, I’ve long understood, “Until you’re broken, you don’t know what you’re made of. It gives you the ability to build yourself all over again, but stronger than ever” (unknown). And that’s exactly how I see Rapunzel. See, I’ve been brought up by parents who’ve continually taught me never to give up or in. And as a southern girl, like it or lump it, I’ve pretty much been raised on sass, Jesus and sweet tea. And like our sweet, determined, bubbly and free-spirited Rapunzel here, I’ve also been taught to keep a little bit of adventure and a side of rebellion just inside my pocket too. I guess you can say once I let my hair go, literally, accepted cancer’s place in my life and got over being a lopsided, one boobed hot mess all those years ago, the truth found me and released the light inside. And you know what? Once I did this, I was truly ready to break free from Satan’s tower of isolation. Remember, there are three simple rules in life. Rules, set to pen by an unknown author I’d love to thank personally. “One: If you do not go out after what you want, you’ll never have it. Two: If you do not ask, the answer will always be no. Three: If you do not step forward, you will always be in the same place.” This is the lesson Tangled holds for each of us. No matter where we are or what tower we’re faced with, hope waits right outside our window.

Now when I reflect on my own journey some 11 years later, Marianne Williamson comes to mind. “You must learn a new way to think before you can master a new way to be.” See today, a little more than decade after being locked away inside the beast’s tower, I see the beauty of every scar she left behind. True, much like Mother Gothel, I was isolated, my light near snuffed out. If not for Gods’ lanterns in the distance lighting the way I may have truly believed her lies. Yes, fear had her cold, calloused hands wrapped around my throat. And the enemy, well he was determined to keep me locked away, fearful of each and every new day. Instead, I spoke to fear, unleashing God’s Word upon her keeper, the Devil himself. Speaking straight outta Deuteronomy 31:6.  I made my strand. “Be strong and courageous. Don’t tremble! Don’t be afraid of them! The LORD your God is the one who is going with you. He won’t abandon you or leave you.” Certainly, I could’ve stayed in that awful tower, afraid and alone. I mean who would have blamed me? The darkness, cruelty and selfishness of the world waiting just outside my window was scary. The Devil himself was ready to pronounce according to my captor. But if I’d stayed, the sunshine within my own heart would have died. And the hope I carried inside? It may have been truly destroyed permanently. Marge Piercy explains my thoughts here beautifully. ‘We must shine with hope, stained glass windows that shape light into icons, glow like lanterns borne before a procession. Who can bear hope back into the world but for us.” See, if not for the darkness that invaded my life or the pain breast cancer thrust upon me, I would’ve never noticed my Father’s lanterns floating across the sky in the close distance.. As tough as it was being locked inside a tower, forced to face my worst fears climbing out brought my life an altogether new and beautiful dream.

Since late 2005, early 2006 I’ve learned a great deal about living in the light of God’s grace. He called me out of the darkness into His vast and wondrous light. I believe Genesis 50:20 with all my heart. “You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good. “ And why do I believe this? Because my life is living proof of God’s goodness and grace. See, God's light is inside us waiting to be set free and released out into the nights sky. Each dream we hold has literally been painted upon the walls of our individual towers. But if we truly want each one to become a reality, we must free ourselves from very those very same walls. Cristen Rodgers best explains the process. “We are all artist painting upon the canvas of reality. Mix the colors your own way and apply emotion liberally. Don’t be afraid to let your brushstrokes show, and above all else, make sure your art has soul.” And this is exactly how I've chosen to live my life since escaping Satan’s tower of deception. Living life full, showcasing colors uniquely mixed by my own experiences all while allowing each one of my brushstrokes to be seen, flawed and all.  So yes, these days when I see those beautiful lanterns rise within Magic Kingdom, my heart pauses and reflects. See, I made a promise to my children, husband, parents and my sisters in 2006 as I was lifted up and locked inside cancer's tower. I promised I’d survive the Beast's grips wouldn’t give up and I’d fight and find my way home. And just as Rapunzel herself declared in Tangled, I too hold to the same code then and now. A promise is a promise. “And when I promise something, I never, ever break that promise. Ever.” By God’s grace this very promise came full circle last month. Celebrating my precious boy's 21st birthday at Disneyworld, the lanterns of Tangled  came to real life as the sun set. Walking by Rapunzel's tower we came upon one lantern just waiting there on us to release ourselves. My heart stopped, tears flooding my eyes and I knew this was no coincidence. My heart swelled knowing God had given me my heart's desire. My Father had truly answered my one prayer request by simply being there that night. See, I’d asked Him all those years ago for just one thing and that was to see my children grow from boys into men. And on this day, this very night my dreams has come true, my prayer answered standing there with Joshua, holding Rapunzel's lantern in our hands...together, at the bottom of her tower. And this is the very reason Life Lesson #208 ~ All Tangled Up, holds such an important place in my heart. Life inevitably gets us all tangled up in a mess or two along the way. Sometimes our dreams need us to go rescue them and other times they rescue us by dragging us out of a tree. And “sometimes on the way to your dream you get lost and find a better one.” (Lisa Hammond) That’s the thing, I have a new dream now, not necessarily a better one but a bigger one. What is it? I’ll tell you...to live until I die but until then I'll fill each and every moment in between with love, hope and adventure.

“I hope you will go and let stories happen to you, and that you will work them with your blood and tears and laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into BLOOM.” ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes

~ Merida Grace