Life Lesson #193~ When We're Old and Gray

"I chose you easy, but, not because I think it will always be easy, because with you I know that even on the dreadful, wretched, luckless days, when the troubles of the world are downpours of thick, clamoring, beating rain ~ you will laugh, take my hand, and whisper delightfully, Dance with me." ~ Beau Taplin/The Dance

It's funny when I think of how Johnny and I met some 22 years ago. We were both so young, just getting out into the world, finding our footing. I was just out of college and he was a real country boy. He showed up for our first meeting in wranglers, boots and a black cowboy hat. I was absolutely smitten as he took my hand and led me out onto the dance floor. I was late, he was early but somehow our first meeting happened. We'd been talking on the phone for a month and had decided to take that fateful first step, meeting in person, for the first time in public, on a real date. I was beyond nervous, and so was this good looking American Indian, county boy leading me in a Texas Two-step. And as George Straight and Brooks and Dunn led the way that night we knew there would never be another. I honestly had never felt this way about anyone before. Sure I had thought I was in love, but the truth is I knew I was in love with Johnny at first sight honestly. It was as if all the stars in Heaven had aligned and my heart had literally filled to the point of bursting wide open inside. I saw my future, my life in his eyes and I was scared to death. And still I danced, laughing, smiling wildly as he spun me around in circles unaware my life was about to be shaken up as never before. As the weeks flew by I felt completely at ease this man, at home. I could be myself with him. He loved my goofiness, how silly and even how innocent I was. And he didn't want to change me in any way. He didn't want me, to ever own me, no he simply desired to walk into love with me. Johnny saw me as I was, imperfectly perfect. From the moment he said my name flashing his boyish grin in my direction, I was his. I wasn't sure what the future held exactly, after all we were two very different people, but I knew whatever was waiting on us, Song of Solomon 3:4 rang true. "I have found the one whom my soul loves."

Johnny and I met and married in 6 months time. I know right? It was a wait, what kind of moments we have here down in the south.  We just knew. And my poor daddy, he knew too. He waited up for me one night looking out our front widow, my mama tugging at his arm to come on, with binoculars at his eyes. He was determined to derail this romance, almost as much as I was to keep it on track. I was his little girl, and he was afraid Johnny was stealing me away. In a way I know he was, but not as my daddy's little girl. I'd always be that. No, Johnny was stealing my heart away to be his wife and one day the mother of our two son's. It was very humorous, and we still laugh about now. I was certainly entertained even though I pretended to be shocked. I knew my dad would come around, and he did. It was just one of those things. Neither one of us expected to find love more or less the love of our lives that night at the old Willie Nelson Night Life in Houston but we did. As sure as cornbread goes with greens we knew. It was just that simple. Sometimes things just click and that's exactly what happened between Johnny and I. We were ready and open to love despite the fact we'd been avoiding it for a good long while. Some say there is no such thing as love at first sight, but I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, our souls collided....they knew and they filled our hearts in along the way. Johnny reminded me what butterflies actually felt like. And honestly , I'll tell you this man till this day can still catch me off guard, setting off butterflies inside me. When I look at my husband today I see him with the very same eyes I did back then. But I also see the man he's become over the last 22 years. I see his growth as a father, as a husband and yes, I even see his failures. All these things remind me of the amazing, and at times scary journey we've faced...together. I know we were young, inexperienced and broke when we said I do. But the truth is I can never forget the very moment I realized I loved Johnny. He may have driven me bonkers at times, but he made me happier than a bird with a French fry! I think there's a happy, scary kinds of reality we all come to when our hearts come face to face with the love of our lives. Now it may be hard for a few of us to accept at first or you could be like us and take a leap almost immediately. We're all different, and so is the love we share and the way our hearts align. However I do know this... we all have this moment, right after we've taken the plunge when we admit to ourselves and to one another. "You were a risk, a mystery, and the most certain thing I'd ever known." (Beau Taplin/A Certainty)

Now I know two love struck young people, marrying after 6 months probably seemed like a risk to every one else around us I'm sure. What most hadn't taken into consideration though was the example I'd grown up with. The love I'd witnessed between my very own parents. When Johnny and I married they'd been married themselves for a little over 27 years. And yes after only dating for 9 months themselves. I didn't go in expecting perfection. In all truthfulness I quite expected the bumps, road blocks and detours along the way. I knew nothing good came easy and just like Rick Warren explains, I had seen this kind of love in action all my life. "Marriage is a lifelong course in learning to be unselfish." All my life I had witnessed my parents put their wants aside for one another. I had heard my dad call my mom, beautiful each and every day. I'd watched him kiss her like it was the first time every night in the kitchen and felt the love between them grow even stronger during the hard times. And it was beautiful. Much like the love Johnny and I share today. Is it perfect?  No, nothing is ever perfect. Happiness is not about nor is it found in perfection. If you believe that you're setting yourself up for a pretty bad fall eventually. True, real and genuine love and happiness is usually waiting on the other side of each and every hurdle, struggle and battle you face together, side by side. And that's what my hubby and I have done...met each challenge together. We know when to push each other a little further, a bit harder and when to shelter in place together. We always want the best for each other, but we also know giving in to whatever makes the other happy in the moment isn't always going to bring happiness later on down the road either. We are a team. Just as we were yesterday and as we are today we believe "coming together is a beginning, staying together is progress and working together is success." (curiano.com)

What I can tell you is on the road to becoming old and gray, Johnny and I have faced some pretty awful circumstances. We've been in a head on collision with a car together, worried through pre-term labor multiple times together, faced breast cancer and the loss of my breast together, a stroke and auto-immune diseases together, one son's TBI and the other's autism together, the loss of Johnny's mom together and the truth of our marriage falling apart together. But you know what? None of it has torn us apart. It may have ripped us at the seams a time or two that's for sure, but God in His amazing grace has always stitched our lives back together again. And together we stand on the truth of Ruth 1:6. "Where you go I'll go. Where you stay I'll stay." I have no trouble admitting we've had to fight for our survival a time or two along the way. The reality is we have. There is no shame in struggle. Through difficulty we've learned to offer forgiveness while rebuilding our foundation. See "love is not about how many days, months, or years you have been together. Love is about how much you love each other every single day." (Paper-Anniversary.com)  So yes, the reality is we all face the unknown, moments within our marriage when we can't see the forest for the trees. I have found personally, when the darkness sets in, when we can't exactly meet eye to eye that's the time to step back and build a fire, fueling it with all our  memories...both the failures and the triumphs. These moments, past and present hold us together, reminding us of the life we've built together and the love God placed inside our hearts for one another long before we took our first breathe. He is the glue not just holding us together but binding our hearts to one another forever. Now sure hardships have been very present in our lives, and we've come close to falling off the edge a time or two. If we wanted to we could sit on those past circumstances, over think them and keep fanning the flames of blame dangerously high. We could and if we did who would blame us right? But my question is how would this really truly help us? Staying bitter and angry with one another with a bone to pick all day long does nothing but continue to introduce chaos and resentment. Forgiveness, letting go and holding each other accountable has been our solution. We've invested in our family, in ourselves and in our faith. We are not perfect, we are absolutely sinners saved by God's grace. But you know what? So let me fill you on our not so hidden secret. Knowing we are human, fallible and not saints has been our lifeline, our life boat in a sea of uncertainty. For every moment of hurt there are two more filled with laughter. We can play together, rest together, be loud together, be quiet together, disagree with one another and fuss at each other all we want. But the truth is our foundation has been rebuilt by God's hands, not by our own and because of this grace, forgiveness and unconditional love abound in our hearts. And now after all these years we can say individually, "I have an entire forest living inside me and you have carved your initials into every tree." (Pavans)

I love how I can be me with Johnny. He's shown me how to relax a little more, not to be so anxious for tomorrow and to be absolutely comfortable as a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. He knows each and every corner of my soul, who I am and how vastly deep and wide my heart truly is. Johnny has seen and knows my three sides better than anyone else in this universe, other than my Father in Heaven.  He's seen my quiet side. He loves my crazy and fun edges. And yes he's been witness to the parts of me most don't ever want to see. Still...he loves me, heart and soul. I can be silly, difficult and honest with him. He loves my wit and how I snort when I laugh. He enjoys getting my goat a good deal of the time, driving me crazy but he also loves watching me beam, shining with joy. He loves me in comfy clothes, hair a mess and no makeup on.  He's loved me heavy and thin. And he finds me beautiful both on my frumpy and in watch out world here I come kind of days. He loves the sassy mess I can be and the quiet, reflective soul I often am. Johnny loves my independent free spirit even when it means we're not necessarily getting along. Truly as I look back now, I see just how Johnny has given me room to explore the world  and given me  freedom to be myself without condition. He loves me so much, so fiercely that he has the ability to understand that while I am a strong women on my own right his presence in my life only makes me stronger. Johnny knows, just as J. Iron Word explains, "She stands firmly on her own two feet and I just behind her; should she ever need me." The truth is I feel safe within his arms and because of that I can be brave when he's not by my side. Why? Well because I know he is my soul mate, the love of my life and no matter where we go, we go together in spirit, bound by the cords God Himself has entwined, wrapped us in.

Yes, I am a blessed woman. I will never deny that. I could never deny this. Life has been tough, there's no two ways about it. But honestly, I'm excited to grow old and gray with this man. To watch our years together build character, see the lines stretch across our faces and the gray hair flourish on top of our heads. Johnny will always be the love of my life, old and gray and hard of hearing. Just as I will be his wrinkled, my sight failing and mumbling to myself. I can tell you this though no matter where life takes us even when my temper is fired up, and I'm convinced he doesn't know Jack he will always have this uncanny ability to start a fire inside me and to wake up the butterflies within me again. Johnny is the kind of man who's a bit hard headed, but then so am I. We are total opposites. He was the high school linebacker, and I was the nerd with her nose in a book in the library. Our circle's were about as far apart as the earth is from Pluto. Still he got my full attention and I have his. Johnny inspires me just as our spouses should. When I look over at him next to me I see the man inside him. I fall in love with his boyish grin all over again. I'm humbled by his passions, by his motivation and his ability to be teachable. I may be the type of Texas girl Dan Rather refers to when he said, "Always marry a woman from Texas. No matter how tough things get, she's seen tougher." But he's my Texas man, the love of my life  and just like my tea, he's strong and sweet. And so the reality of Life Lesson #193~ When We're Old and Gray is this: Just like an old vintage truck, needing a few new parts, some repairs maybe a polish and an oil change from time to time our marriages must be given the same love and the same attention in order to keep running. Look the truth is marriage is hard. There's absolutely nothing easy about it. And anyone who says it probably has a bridge to sell you too. I can tell you this myself though. After some nearly 22 years of being married to the same man and raising a family together I've found if you want real happiness inside your marriage you have to dive in the deep end of the ocean more often than splashing around in the shallows. Never forget and please take this bit of advice with you today. "The happiest couples never have the same character. They have the best understanding of their differences." So if you want to be able to say one day when you're old and gray you made it, then you have to be willing to see the good, embrace the chaos and face every day side by side trusting God to lead the way. I personally have learned to trust the big man upstairs, to accept God has a bigger, wider, and greater picture of Johnny and I than what we can physically see with our own eyes. He's in the driver's seat, and Johnny and I are quiet comfortable sitting in the back seat these days. He's adjusted the rear view mirrors and the windshield is just wide enough for us to get a glimpse from time to time of where we're headed. And really, I'm content with that. God has promised all of us He will be faithful. And this promise is found in Philippians 1:6. "And so I am sure that God who began this good work in you, will carry it on until it is finished on the Day of Christ Jesus." I know He will complete His plan. I have no doubt about His intent, His blueprints and purpose for our marriage. And one day in the you better believe you'll find us holding each other's hand somewhere in our 80's, some 60 years after becoming husband and wife excited because we made it. God got us there, together.

"I didn't fall in love with you. I walked into love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way. I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated ti do things that we'd chosen anyway. And I'd choose you, in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you." ~ Unknown

~ Merida Grace