Falling To My Knees

Have you felt absolutely bleak? Just blah? As if all the lights have been turned off and the air has been completely sucked out of the room? Ever feel as if you are the last one to be rescued on a desert island?

There are times in this great battle, I simply fall to my knees. Vulnerable? Absolutely! Many times I am overcome by her stench as the beast circles. I can feel her intent as she waits to strike me down right where I have fallen. Oh the need to scream, yell, and cry is over whelming. How I long to just sit down on my fourth point of contact right where I am! My arms folded and my eyes squeezed shut trying to block out the scene before me. In those moments the pain can be very deep, almost scary I would say.


Honestly there are times when my eyes open wide and I can see such color, such merriment. Then I realize I am having a full blown, all out hallucination. Suddenly I am awoken from my stress induced slumber and I am amazed at all I see. Looking around I dare to wonder if I am stuck in Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium? The walls are covered in beautiful vibrant coverings. The wonders I see ! Stuffed animals dance around my feet, fish swim above my head. Everything looks so bright and wonderful, that is until the toys start to go insane! Bouncy balls, once still begin bouncing out of their bags and hitting me square in the face! Books fall out of shelves all on their own onto my feet while squirting water. The dragons who were friendly just a minute ago are suddenly breathing fire at my face! Then to top it all off toy planes begin to take Kamikaze runs at my head. Suddenly the walls begin turning black and gray, weeping no less. This sunny place where I once played has turned dark. A better than life statement I would say about how life can change in an instant.


During these times I feel somewhat closed in, aware of my own fear even as I curse myself for it. So what has gone wrong? Nothing concrete, as I still lay here in the bog waiting for news. I am overcome for the time being. Overwhelmed, confused, and weary are just a few words coming to mind at the moment. Life is not always roses and butterflies. Harsh, maybe, but simply put it is just the truth. What about hope you ask? There is always hope. I have and will never let go of hope. For hope is the light I see at the end of this tunnel. Am I losing my mind, or fallen upon my own sword? No, I just need a rest from all this weariness. It seems all the glum, the bleakness, the darkness of the enemies camp has snuck up on me. So I just need to sit, rest awhile and get my bearings straight. I am not lost, just checking my compass from a lofty perch. I will return to the battle front, sword in hand upon my steady steed when the sun rises.


This is the truth I share with you: Fear is a natural part of being a warrior, pink or not. Each time I push through a wave of fiery arrows I worry this may be my last stand. Every day I fight my way through this bloody field I am fully aware of the cost. Yet every day I continue to counter strike the beast and her consorts. My life is not my own. I know this all too well but I also know this, I am but a vessel of my Father's work. Even though I tremble, even though I fall I continue to keep my faith in my Lord. In my heart I carry His love for me. I know when indeed He does come to comfort me, to strengthen me. He will also come take me home someday. On that day I will be made whole. My missing breast will no longer be lost. My fight will be over, yes, yet I know the spirit of hope will live on. Others will take up my sword and continue to advance against the beast. I may lose my battle in the end, but the war will never be lost!


I may appear battle scared, and weary but one day I will be completely whole in God's sight. As breast cancer survivors and fighters we will rise one day, victorious. That is the goal is it not? So until that day comes, let the Kamikaze planes come, let the beast sharpen her claws! Without doubt I know when the last sword has been swung, we will have the hill, we will have the victory!


Christina