Life Lesson # 483~ Maybe Christmas Is....

 

“I think as you grow older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can’t be bought.”  ~Unknown 

 

I’ve always loved the winter season, especially during Christmas time. As a little girl I’d bounce around the house with joy and curiosity watching my mom decorate. Hanging stockings, stringing lights around the tree all while listening to Christmas music fill the house. I’d dance in delight with the smell of cookies coming from the kitchen and the perfectly wrapped gifts piling up under the tree.  I remember waiting eagerly for each and every Christmas special. Everything felt magical. My excitement and enthusiasm built until Christmas day finally arrived. 

As children, this time of year is wondrous and many times mesmerizing too. But as we become adults, Christmas can become complicated, burdensome even. It’s not that the magic is gone. We’re simply aware of life’s complexities. We carry stress and anxiety and at times feel more awkward at family gatherings. Being an adult, we fully understand stress, sadness, depression, grief and isolation.  And because of this the holidays can become exceptionally strenuous. 

We carry a lot of our shoulders once we’re grown-ups. Everything from family conflict, worry, extra responsibilities, financial stress, self-doubt, guilt, lingering and persistent illness, and for some, deep-rooted resentment. Life as an adult is simply tangled and confusing and the holidays, with all their expectations, just seem to muddle it all up even more. 

I can tell you I have and continue to grapple with most of the above. I could say, I’m fine. I’m not struggling or wrestling with my inner demons. But I am. So, I won’t.  My life is far from magical or perfectly charming. In fact, it’s rather entangled and heavy most of the time.  I have family conflicts.  I worry often about decisions. I wonder if I’m doing the right thing or being responsible. I’ve lost sleep over finances. I doubt myself all the time. Guilt hangs around a lot, especially when it comes to my children. And yes, I am frequently weighted down by the ins and outs of chronic illness. 

I’m human....just like you are. But that’s the point, isn’t it? Life isn’t perfect, it’s hard. So, we need to give ourselves permission to fail and learn from our mistakes. Allow ourselves the ability to grieve and fall apart. To be human. And the holidays are no different. 

As an adult, Christmas is a little more unconventional for me now. On my good days, I’m ready to enjoy the everyday charm of the holidays. Go out, see friends and take in a movie or even go to a party. On my bad days, getting to the couch is an accomplishment.  But that doesn’t mean the holidays aren’t magical. I just have to take them slower. I think we all do though as we mature, illness or not.  Life isn’t easy, and that means Christmas isn’t either. But it’s still a warm, beautiful time of year. Filled with love, happiness and giving.  

No, I’m not the little girl I once was, carefree and untroubled. But I still love the festivities, and the decorations. All the cookies and music. And even though I don’t find it daily, I do find moments of joy in this yule-tide season. I spend a lot more time reflecting inwardly, working on myself emotionally and mentally and thinking of those I love and miss. I pray for reconciliation and meditate on solutions. I push myself through the pain and fatigue of my illness. And I remember seasons past, contemplate where I want to be next year and hopeful I can do and be better.  

Now that our son is an adult himself, we celebrate the holidays a little differently. We don’t stress about counting down or making merry every day. We spend less time buying gifts and more time gathered around the table, talking, sharing, sorting problems out and spending time together. That’s what the Christmas season is for us. Moments of growth and reflection. A time we fully allow ourselves to be human. It’s not about the gifts under the tree, and the unrivaled holiday party, a perfect holiday feast, or flawless family photos. Not anymore. We know we’re not a perfect family. We’re a little broken but that’s ok, most of us are. As for our little family, we've come to understand we all have bad days suffering from stress, self-doubt, sadness, depression, hurt, anxiety and chronic illness. We’re a work in progress. But aren’t we all?  

And so maybe Christmas isn’t full of that child-like wonder anymore,. Maybe the magic doesn’t feel quite as real as it once did. But maybe, just maybe Christmas is something more. A time of year filled with presents we can’t buy. Gifts like compassion, acceptance, kindness and mercy. That’s what Christmas is all about. That’s what it is to me anyway. 

 Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Good Yule and Happy New Year. 

 

~ Merida