Life Lesson #481 ~The Black Sheep

“I like weird people. The black sheep. The eight balls. The left centers. The wallflowers. The underdog. The loners. The rejects. The outcasts. The odd ducks. The eccentric. The broken. The lonely. The lost and forgotten.” ~ Unknown 

 

I grew up the oddball. Maybe you did too. You know, a little weird? I was different and not in the funny girl kind of way either. I was always too much for a lot of people. And honestly, it’s been that way my whole life. People either love me or they hate me. I rarely find anyone who falls in between. If you're a member of this club you know exactly what I'm talking about. You and I have never been what anyone expects; or to be honest, who they want us to be. I’ve never moved in the popular circles. I’m a wallflower and a book worm with a big imagination. Even now I’m not a girly girl, but I’m not a tomboy either. I was and have always been somewhere in-between.   

To this day, I’m still the oddball. I’m sensitive; and believe it or not, I’m quite shy. I’m definitely a nervous talker. I cry easily. I think out loud and inevitably take way too long to get the joke, especially when the joke is on me. I always look for the good in folks. Sadly, most to my own detriment, usually. I tend to ignore the bad way too often even when it’s at my own expense. And I accept everyone’s flaws but my own.  

I’m not difficult, I'm just poles apart from most people and that tends to make me seem difficult. The reality is I’m very transparent; and unfortunately for a lot of people that equates to being uncomfortable. I guess you could call me a black sheep, but not in the up to no good sort of way or in a fashion forward, trendy or rebellious way either. The fact is I simply don’t fit in. I typically land somewhere in the middle most of the time. And that’s where I get lost, seriously lost. 

I’ve been unseen and unheard pretty much as long as I can remember. Folks tend to talk down to me or dismiss me. I have no doubt you understand what I'm talking about. My whole life I’ve been dismissed and overlooked. I rarely find people who truly see or hear me. And when I finally speak up for myself, I’m often, if not always, misunderstood.   

Part of the problem is I’m sensitive and I overthink a lot. I try way too hard to please other people. I go out of my way to ensure needs and wants are met. I work hard to make everyone feel special. Unfortunately, I tend to become the scapegoat when things don't go as planned. And up till recently, I’ve taken on the role without a second thought. As both my sons have said more than once, I’m too nice. Which translates to a pushover really. I’m not ashamed of this and you shouldn't be either. It just means you have a big heart. Most black sheep do. However, as I age, and become wiser, I understand this isn’t always healthy. So, it’s time for a change. 

I don't know about you but I’ve been living somewhere in between. It's not the best place to be, is it? But today, that stops. I’m tired of agonizing and apologizing for making folks uncomfortable. I’m over cow towing to unrealistic expectations. Be it my own or anyone else's for that matter. I done walking on eggshells to boost egos. If that makes me difficult, so be it. I’m ready to be seen and heard. To be understood, not dismissed. Aren't you? Let's stop being afraid of opinions, judgments or assumptions. Those sentiments are not our burdens to carry. No, I’m not oblivious that bad stories exist are out there. I know they are. Just like I know I’m not perfect. I’m as human as they come. We all are, right? I’ve made lots of mistakes, and you can bet I’ll make plenty more. But I know the truth. There was a time, years full of memories and stories, where you and I weren't the villains.  

So today, I’m setting myself free from unnecessary misery and distress. I’m breaking the chains of guilt and shame. I’ve lived my life looking for approval and affirmation. I've begged and groveled, put myself at the bottom of the barrel, given up my dignity, and taken responsibility for misunderstandings that had nothing to do with me. I’ve been degraded and even allowed myself to be hurt for that acceptance. No more. I’m “extra”, you’re right. But I’m me, worthy of love, forgiveness, kindness, acceptance and second chances. Yes, I'll always love deeply and continue to do so unconditionally. I’ll forgive and let go. But no longer will I accept consequences that aren’t mine to suffer or endure. 

I’ve decided to live by my own rules. I won’t linger in the in between any longer. And you know what? I think it's time you live by your own rules too. You and I have always had wings. My problem is I’ve failed to use them properly. Look, you and I both know we'll continue to be misunderstood by some folks. It's not only inevitable, it's reality. We'll always be unseen by those who choose not to see us. Unheard by the indifferent. Bad stories won’t suddenly cease or disappear. Hatred will drag on; and yes, you and I will remain black sheep. But that’s OK. I’m not meant for everyone and neither are you. I’m meant to be me. You see, I’m no longer lost or forgotten. I’m not broken or defeated and you shouldn't be either. I’m mending, and I’m happy with who I am. I don’t know how or where my story ends, but it’s not here. Not now. Yesterday I was a hero, today I’m a villain, tomorrow who knows? That’s for me to determine. It’s my story after all.

 

Merida Grace