Life Lesson #464~ The Estranged Child

  

“No one tells you the hardest part of being a parent is when your kids grow up.” ~Unknown 

 

Most of my adult life I’ve been a mom. In fact, for over 2 decades my whole identity has been and was wrapped up in one word. Mom. I knew no other name, job or calling. I was a mom, through and through. So, what happens when your children leave the nest? Or worse, become estranged.  How do you cope? There’s no map to navigate. And believe me, the host and array of emotions it brings is life altering. When you’re facing the sudden loss of your child, how do you keep your head above water or stop yourself from drowning in the deep end?  

 

Truthfully, I have no idea. I wish I did. If the nest is emptied naturally, it’s bittersweet. If not, it’s devastating. As parents you wait your whole life for your children to spread their wings. You love, nurture and praise them. Build them up. Pray for them. Provide, sacrifice, and yes, you fail them just as many times. There’s nothing you want more for your children than to be happy. To be loved. To be comfortable with who they are, to be themselves and make their own way. They may be your greatest joy but your biggest wish for each child is to have a good life. Created with your love but built by their own hands.  

Letting them go is hard. But when they shut you out it’s heartbreaking. 

As a parent you tend to want to solve the problem. Fix it. But you can’t. You ask why. But there's no real answer. It just is. Instead, you begin looking back. Replaying moments in your head. Recreating memories. Looking through pictures, reminiscing and smiling through tears. Even if they don’t, you know, even in the chaos of the moment, there was a time when your child was happy, and secure in your love.  

 

Mom, Dad, listen to me. I’m not going to tell you it’s going to be OK. Or that the road won't be dark. Because I don’t know.  I can’t tell you there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I haven’t found mine yet. Right now, you’re stuck. Your child is angry with you, and you have no idea why. You’re on the dirty side of the storm. One filled with hate and rage, bearing down and eroding your family. Truthfully, they might not even know why. Or be fully aware of the consequences. Maybe they’ve forgotten the good times, buried the love that once surrounded their lives. But none of that changes your love for your child. Absolutely none of it.  

 

Your kids can push you away. Reject you and your love for them. In fact, they can even publicly demean and show off their newfound animosity towards you. But in my experience these things only change the relationship your kids have with you, not your relationship with them. You’re their parents. Their family. And no matter how much they fight to change that, nothing can. They can’t undo your love. Ever. Your response should remain consistently, continually and constantly the same. “I love you. We love you. End of story.” 

 

As parents, our love for our children hasn’t and will never waver. They were and will always be a loved part of our families. Always. 

 

I’ve heard it said, “A child (big or small) will never reject a parent without the involvement of another person.” For the most part it’s true. And it never goes well for anyone when other people encourage and stand between you and your child.  I can’t tell you why they get involved, but they do.  Not all intentions are good, but not all are spiteful either. So, my advice, correct or not, is this. Tell your children you love them. Whether they want to hear it or not. Keep loving them unconditionally. Michael Hyatt is right on the nose. “We have more control than most of us realize. Each day is filled with thousands of opportunities to change the story of our lives.”  So yes, you and I may not have control over the situation, but we have control of how we respond to it. 

 

So, hold on Mama. Be patient Dad. Let your kids spread their wings and fly away. Give your adult children the chance to figure it all out. We’re parents but our hope, even if it’s dim, lies in knowing that even if we feel bruised and broken, our children will always be a part of us. They are our heart. Our soul. Our life. Know this. If you have loved your child, and been a part of their life, those core memories aren’t gone. They’ve just been misplaced. And wherever they are, whatever they’re doing or whomever they’re with, you love them. And when they’re ready, be there. 

 

“I want you to remember one thing. Wherever you are and wherever you go, you will always be loved. Until my last breath and beyond, you will be loved.” ~Jm Storm 

 

~Merida Grace