Life Lesson #455 ~ Keep Going

“And then her heart changed, or at least she understood it; and the winter passed, and the sun shone upon her heart.” ~ J.R.R Tolkien  

 

You wanna know the truth? I'm a messy kind of person. Not in how I keep house or anything like that. No, my heart is messy. Let's just be real. My life’s messy, like really messy. Sure, I have an untamable spirit, but it can be a curse too. I never quite know when to stop, when to take a breath or simply wave the white flag. I’m forever the optimist, sprinting full speed ahead, leading the charge. And if you’re wondering, my thoughts can be kinda reckless at times too. I teeter on the verge of giving up before throwing myself all into the fight.  

 

Messy can be good though but it can also be unsettling at the same time. Mostly, I’ve found messy means you’re growing. Messy is where life happens. It’s where memories are made, where life gets challenging, and scary. Seriously like ‘The Haunting of Hill House’ kind of hair-raising, blood-curdling, terrifying kind of spooky. Unless you’ve lived a flawless, perfect and unspoiled life, it’s pretty muddy and a bit mucky at times too. Have you ever read a story worth it’s weight without a muddy or unpleasant middle? Probably not. Brene Brown tells it straight. “The middle is messy, but it’s also where the magic happens.”

 

See messy is tangled and complex but in the end, messy is always meaningful, deeply so even. And if we’re open, messy can be authentic too. I’ve heard it said a lot, and it’s true, “So what if your life’s messy? Perfect isn’t the plan. Purpose is.” So, my question is this. What’s your purpose? Do you know? Have you figured out yet who you’re meant to be or where your path is leading you? 

 

I’ll be honest I'm not always sure what the plan is. Where I’m going or even why but I do know I am here for a reason. I have a purpose. Big or small, simple, straightforward, twisted or not, you will never see me quit. Life’s messy. It just is. But I’m not going anywhere before my purpose is not only finished but complete. I guess you could say I don’t give up easily. I just don’t. If I believe in you, I will never stop trying. If I love you, you’ll never question why. Afraid or not of the outcome I’ll keep showing up day after day. That’s who I am.

The truth? I'm tired. My body is starting to shut down. Oh don't get me wrong. My fight is still ongoing, but it’s winding down. I can feel it in my heart, in my soul and in my bones. But still, I won’t give up. I’m a firm believer in the notion we keep going. Seriously, Sam Levenson is spot on. “Don’t watch the clock. Do what it does: KEEP GOING.”  That’s really the life lesson here. Keep going.

 

So, let’s get really real. Giving up is easy. Getting up, and rolling out of bed every morning isn’t so much. Life is hard. Nothing about it is easy, not even the good days. Can I be blunt? Life can suck. There I said it. Can’t deny it, life can and will stink like boiled eggs at some point or another. I have days I just wanna scream, and I do. I’ve been there a lot lately too. I’ve felt weak and tired. My body for lack of a better word is pooped. Flat out sapped and spent. So how do I keep going? Keep finding joy? Do you want to know what my secret to being content is? It’s simple. I stopped asking why a long time ago. 

 

There is no explanation. None, Nada. Mostly I just keep swimming and trying...trying to love and breathe in a body actively trying to hand me over to the sharks, dump me in the deep end and kill me. Or drown me to be precise. And you know what else I do? I remind myself every day of Tyler Knott Gregson’s words. “Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim.” 

Chronic illness, disabilities, pain, emotionally or physically can and will beat you down. Believe me I know. But the good news is this. None of us are required or equipped to handle what life throws at us all the time. No one, not one, no matter how strong they look, can hold up the world all by themselves. We all need faith of some kind, family, by blood or choice and lots of courage to tackle the stress, awkwardness and strain life spoons up daily. I am nothing without those who hold me up when I am weak. When life gets messy and somewhat …oh who am I  kidding. My life doesn’t get, it IS sticky and really tarnished. It just is. Still, I get up. No one in my life allows me to feel sorry for myself too long. And I’m glad for that. It ensures the story I leave behind will be worth reading one day. Or at least I hope it will.

 

As for my story, well it's nothing particularly unique. A bit complicated and messy for sure but nothing uncommonly remarkable. On the other hand, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit or acknowledge my life is nothing short of a miracle. I shouldn't be here but I still am. There’s no denying it’s been a struggle, every step of the way. I’ve been fighting for each day, every breath since a week after my 8th birthday. That said, I’ve yelled at God and told Him off more times than I'd care to own up to. I’ve even stopped talking to Him as well. I’ve threatened to throw the towel in. And yet some 40 years later, I’m still fighting. My body is weak, it really is but for now, my spirit is still strong. This is my life and it’s my story. Doesn’t matter how many plot holes it throws or twists or turns it makes, I will see it to the end. 

 

And while I may not be excited about it, the end is getting closer every day. Still, I won’t give up because it’s the easy thing to do. I will never know the whys of it all. Why am I sick? Why is my body failing me? Why am I dying way too young? There are no answers. And looking for them day in and day out would drive me crazy. Instead I focus on living and understanding the importance of winter. Gotta learn to appreciate the journey from our simple beginning, through the messy middle into our story’s spectacular ending. Brene Brown really brings this idea home for me. “Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending --- to rise strong, recognize our story, and rumble with the truth until we get to a place where we think, yes. This is what happened. And I will choose how the story ends.” 

 

My point here is this. Don’t give up. It’s easy to do. Believe me, I know. Giving up can feel effortless even. But in the end, it’s not. Not with the big stuff, not when it counts. Giving up comes with a price. Is money for jam worth it? That’s the question you have to ask yourself. Fighting the same devil every day isn’t easy. It’s hard. It’s messy. And yes, “You wake up every morning to the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is BRAVERY.” (Unknown) So be brave. Don’t take the easy road. Take the one less traveled. It’s more interesting anyways. That’s how I see it anyway. 

 

“You may not end up where you thought you were going, but you will always end up where you were meant to be.” ~ Unknown 

 

~Merida Grace