Life Lesson # 241 ~ Love’s Journey

“I would not wish for any other companion in the world but you. “~William Shakespeare

Marriage like any other relationship takes work and lots and lots of it. Sometimes no matter how hard we try, or how many tears we cry over our marriages, they simply fall short and then apart. I know because mine did five years ago. Now I’m not gonna mince words or sugar coat things, life was off the rails in the wrong direction for a long time. Words were said, things were done, and hearts were broken. To tell the truth we didn’t much like each other either. The blame doesn’t matter. After 18 years of marriage, ours was failing. Did either one of us set out to harm the other? No, not at all. No one plans to intentionally hurt those they love, not unless they’re callous, heartless or cold-blooded that is. This is the thing about life though. It happens whether we like it or not. Prepared or caught off guard it can get sticky pretty quickly and end up downright muddled before we know it. And when it does all we can hope for is to keep our head above water.  

How we get there with a capsized ship in the middle of a dark, raging ocean pulling us under is anyone’s guess. Misunderstandings, miscommunication or errors in judgment can sabotage any relationship, especially a marriage. One problem is we all speak different love languages. We can read about them all we want, try to understand or even interpret our partner's needs, but until we actually dive in and sacrifice our own wants for their needs, our attempts are lost in translation.

Think of Tarzan and Jane, of Disney claim that is. They were both the same in the sense they were human with parents and families but those were pretty much their only similarities. Everything else was uncharted territory. In spite of these fairly obvious differences, Tarzan and Jane were drawn to one another. Jane herself says of her first meeting with Tarzan, “He was confused at first, as if he had never seen another human before. His eyes were intense....and focused, and …. I’ve never seen such eyes.”  Isn’t this how it is though? How we feel the moment we meet our soul mates? Whatever the differences are in those moments, our hearts feel like old friends, don’t they? And so, this is where our adventure begins together, but it’s the journey following that challenges us.

Marriage is tough. We have to work at it. Nothing good comes easy, right? And like a good friendship it’s all about giving. Personally, I've found if a relationship is completely effortless or uncomplicated many times, we simply take it for granted. Being with someone who forces you to grow doesn’t make all your problems go away. No one can do that, but learning to face them ensures deep, unmoving roots. The truth is it’s easy to fall in love but staying in love is the real test. We can fall in love with a smile or the way someone says our name. That’s simple enough. However, falling in love with each other’s scars and faults is a completely different thing all together.

The marriage jungle tests our ability to communicate and navigate our way through every snake bite, vine we dangle from, each lion we face or quicksand we sink into. The thing about love and emotions is they can be rather tricky if we’re not careful. I’ve done things my way; and failed terribly and truthfully, almost lost who I loved most in the process. My marriage had to fall apart and be rebuilt again. I had to learn to let go of my wants and trust God would meet all my needs, even if my husband couldn’t. Five years ago, I wasn’t given a choice, my marriage was just about over. I was a mess, falling apart at the seams. I was clinging to any breath of air I could grasp. I had two choices. I could either surrender my plans and all my unrealistic ideas of what I thought a marriage should be, trusting Him to be the Master Builder He is, or I could lose it all. I chose to trust Him even as I was sinking.  

Ecclesiastes 4:12 says this. “Someone may be able to beat up one of you, but not both of you. As the saying goes, “A rope made of three strands of cord is hard to break.” The lesson my hubby and I learned was this. We could continue insisting and swinging around the jungle on a two stranded vine. It was a choice, one that would have us falling and landing in quicksand. Or we could entwine a third, stronger cord and avoid the lion’s den altogether. Now you’d think it’d be an easy decision, right? It wasn’t. Emotions are mostly uncharted, treacherous territory. They like to lead us into the badlands and leave us there to rot if we’re not careful. Dave Willis nails it on the head. “Feelings are fickle so never base your marriage on your feelings. Build your marriage on commitment. The strength of your commitment will always determine the strength of your relationship.”

I’m no expert on marriage, not by a long shot. I’m quite the opposite really. I can be hard-headed, stubborn and overly sensitive...not always a great combination when it comes to relationships. Like my hubby though, I’m learning as I go, just like most of you are. Back when Johnny and I said I do twenty-three years ago we weren’t given an instruction manual. Sure, we were offered a bit sound advice and pointed in the general right direction, but the rest was up to us.

The truth is I love my husband more today than when we stood under the sun, beneath a canopy of trees pledging our eternal love to one another more than two decades ago. We were children really. Little did we know how much marriage had in store for us. Two children, a home, and unforgettable memories we’d eventually carve out along the way. Life and love also had a mind of its own too. With every anniversary came a new memory, some good and some not so wonderful. We struggled with money, jobs, insurance and came close to losing the house a few times. And as if two complicated pregnancies or almost dying in childbirth wasn’t enough breast cancer introduced herself too, taking my breast with her and leaving a host of other medical complications in her wake.   

This weekend marks 23 years since we began our journey as husband and wife. And it just seems to me like the right time to reflect on how far we’ve come together. Life lesson #241~ Love’s Journey, has been decades in the making. Sure, it's been a long road and a struggle but what relationship isn’t? Johnny and I have faced loss and defeat, we've hurt, forgiven and held each other through it all. Most importantly, we’ve done so together. Ultimately, we’ve come to understand while God’s love is perfect and never falls short, love in its human state, can and will fail us. Think of true love as a raging sea. You have to cross it; but in order to do so, you’re going to have to endure the storms. There’s a painting called the, “Amor Vincit Omnia by an Italian artist named Caravaggio. Translated it means, "Love conquers all.” And while I believe genuine love can overcome many, if not most obstacles, love itself is not always enough. Patience and forgiveness along with the ability to listen and see someone else’s point of view other than our own is what really paves the way. The truth is when you’re willing to struggle and roll around in the trenches with someone, helping fight off each other’s demons and forgive unforgivable wrongs, that’s love. Anything else is a knockoff.

Sure, we could have had it easy, basked in riches and sailed across calm seas. We could've but I’m glad we didn’t. Instead Johnny and I have burned the ships carrying us here and in turn built our home side by side, securing it with a rope made of three cords. It’s been a journey, one I wouldn’t trade for all the money in the world. And from where I stand right now looking out over this jungle we call marriage, I’m thankful for each and every wait - a- minute vine we’ve faced. Let the Clayton’s of this world come. We’re solid, our marriage is strong and though we may still face the lion’s den occasionally we’re happy. I’ve heard it said, though I don’t know who spoke the words, “Love is not about sex, going on dates, or showing off. It’s about being with a person who makes you happy in a way nobody else can.” Jane knew this. After all she married the flying wild man in a loincloth!  

“A great relationship doesn’t happen because of the love you had in the beginning, but how well you continue building love until the end. “~Unknown

~Merida Grace