Defiance!

Have you ever wondered where soldiers go when they retreat? When they need to step away from the battlefield and care for their wounded? When they must crawl out from their fox holes and away from the blazing fire falling down upon their heads?

Sometimes it’s not even by choice these brave few must pull up their gear and fall back. No sometimes it’s about survival, the chance to fight another day. To recoup losses, call in reinforcements and then charge the enemy one more time.

I have often wondered why retreat has seemed inconceivable and why it is so bitter sweet... that is until now. For the last few years I have been fighting, wounded, stitched together and branded all while advancing forward with my sisters in arms. Digging myself in behind the enemies lines has never been a question. I have never thought twice about this battle leading to the next one ahead of us. I have lived day to day amazed by the power and conviction of these women who have both lived and died beside me in these trenches. Together we have barred arms, shared our hopes, dreaded the cold nights and carried those we have lost from the battle field…. TOGETHER! How precious my sisters are to me and it is their strength which has given me strength to carry on from one battlefield to the next.

Up until recently I have never entertained the idea of retreat.

I admit I have been in hiding for the last few months. No, I did not set out to hide myself away from the world nor did I intend to stay away for so long. Honestly when it comes down to the nitty gritty I needed time to soul search, to heal inwardly and to allow my strength to build back up. Sadly, my body has tired, it is sick and yes it has become weary but I will tell you my soul is stronger for the journey, for the battles I have fought and for the lives of those whom have touched my own. True I may have come to the dark end of the forest right now and yes I may have been broken, but I have also found solace in my retreat, a different kind of strength I did not know existed before today. The truth is even in the act of retreat there is no shame. Today as I take up arms and return behind the enemy’s lines I feel a strong comradely with these women I have fought side by side with. The truth is this: we are indeed a band of sisters.

So maybe it’s time to bark at the moon, to share a drink and to take back the ground our common enemy has taken from us. Maybe it’s time to pull out the T shirt folded in the drawer stating, we’re too busy to die. Honest to bitsy sister I have no intension of allowing this beast to steal one more ounce of moxy from me again!

My experience with this enemy has been fierce and through most of the advances I have stayed defiant. From the start of my battle against this beast I never hide the fact I was defiant, openly and boldly resisting all the enemies’ advances. Well girls I think its times to rejoin the battle on the front lines! The only real peace of mind are truly going to find in this crazy fight against breast cancer is that we have given it our all, stayed the course, defiant and never regretted a moment of it!

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “When it is darkest, men see the stars.” I do believe I have finally seen the stars…

Christina