On the Edge

Have you ever had a recurring nightmare? You know the kind you wake up from with sweat running down your face? Can you see it? I sure can... I am desperate, paralyzed and running from the angry villagers following behind me. Their torches lighting up the darkness and then I fall to my knees at the edge of the unknown unable to get back up, helpless and alone.Well I think we all can agree 2009 has not been my best year! This has been my year to rant, rave, kick and scream and yes even to knock my own chair right out from under myself.( If you figure that one out please let me know will ya?) I have had several melt down. Seriously folks who knew water thrown at a non green person could actually cause her to melt?

Let's retrace the last 9 months:

1. Micah's mono. ( January - August)


2. A new breast lump followed by a lumpectomy and biopsy. ( February)


3. Port-a-cath issues --- who could forget the port! (May - August)


4. Two insane surgeries (May/July)


5. Johnny's job --- well what can I say about that? It came out of the left field somewhere. (July)

WARNING!!! Crazy woman on the loose! She's over Go ahead just hit me over the head and call me nuts! Singing sha- la -la- la- de- da.... Hey where did I go? Do you remember when I was sane? Hey now I'm your crazy loony girl! Just slipping and a sliding around the funny farm.

OK seriously, I can't say this word enough...seriously... life has been a bit like living on the wild side for the better part of this year. I know many of you know the feeling. One day you're just out for a row down the River of Hope and the next you're Living in the Land of Woe, hiding out in the Cave of " I Told You So" and eventually tossing about on the Sea of "You're Going Down Baby" !

Living life from the edge of shock and fear can lead to the total unraveling of your strength but I do not believe your foundation during times like these crack. No I know from experience it does not fall apart but it sure shakes a lot. But then that may have something to do with the larger than life size beast on your trail!

Yes she's around every corner and not just creeping up from behind mind you. No my dear there is no creeping about her. The beast, Cancezilla, is a big, ugly, bad beast chasing you from one corner of her world to the other. She is mean and heartless yet even when one of us falls under her feet or is dragged into her den of terror there is hope. Why you ask? Well let me tell you this my friend because no one is ever left behind! We are a band of sister sand brothers navigating our way through Cancezilla's land of the lost.

But you see this is the thing: When we say no one gets left behind it isn't just a one time thing. No way no how. Where would any of us be without the continuing support of our Band of Sisterhood? We can fall apart, fall down and completely unravel knowing we have the support and mercy of friends and fellow survivors to help pick up the pieces.

So yes I have had my year of " There she goes again" but I have not been left by all. Thinking about how I have had the love and support of so many along the road this year brings me to tears. Even when I have hidden myself away or wailed loud enough to wake the zombies I have never been left behind. These are the moments I treasure, the ones that speak to me and carry me back to the River of Hope.

Sure the zombies may be peeking around the next corner, and yes Cancezilla may still be treading through the land but I know no matter how far behind I fall I will NEVER be left to face the angry villagers with pitchforks and torches alone!

Christina