Christina VS the Kraken

Many a day I have lifted myself up by my bootstraps, dusted myself off , placed my hat back on my head and kept walking with a smile on my face. On most days I am fully capable of just that. One breast, two breasts, no breasts as long as I could see the sunrise I have been able to stay the course through the darkest hours. Losing my breast kinda reminds me of when Captain Jack Sparrow walks out to port with two of his girlie friends, He keeps promising them they won't be disappointed then upon getting to the end of the dock they women respond by saying," Is that it? The Black Pearl. Not very big." Jack looks rather puzzled and says, "Love, that is a dinghy ( Kinda how I felt after my breast was removed) . My vessel is magnificent and fierce and huge-ish. And gone." Why is it gone? ( Again my old breast was just fine, and it was just gone in a quick clean strike.) Then his scandalous friend says, "Is that it there? " as she looks into the distance. ( I know this feeling all too well.) Again Jack looks puzzled and says,"Yes, there it is! Why is it there?... It's much larger up close. " ( Yep, there it is. Say goodbye now. Why is it there? Well because I have breast cancer and my once magnificent ( alright this is just my own wishful thinking here) has been pirated away. What does he do in the end? Well he is Jack after all, he gets into the dinghy, pulls his map out and sails away with a bottle of rum.

Up to this point in my journey I have been an optimist, I still am, but I am so tired. I know just like Jack at some point I will rope my two sea turtles and sail back to the place where my heart truly belongs. But just for today I ask of you my family and my friends, those closest to me and those I love dearly to look into my heart. Taking on this next surgery feels like the end of me right now. I know I shouldn't speak this way, and truly I have not lost my will to fight, but I am ever so tired. I have walked this path for so long now and so I search my soul deeper than I have ever before. I am a bit of a lost soul at the moment and not so sure where this path is leading me right now. My life is a bit topsy turvey at this very moment. Yes, I know this journey is a long one and a battle definitely worth fighting for but....I am just tired and weary. I want to fight, I do with all my heart. It's just my body, my mind and my soul are so tired, longing for rest and a bit of peace. I want nothing more than to stand strong with a sword in each hand ready to charge the battle field, it's just....

I am reminded of Jack and the Pirates movies again as I think of being turned upside down. Remember the Black Pearl and the crew being upside down as they sought to right side themselves and return from the worlds end? That's exactly how I feel right now! I am turned upside down trying to find my way back to the land of the living. Watching these movies after being diagnosed with cancer can provide a whole new perspective...

But what of the all the events that led up to this point?Well Jack made a deal with Jones did he not? Jack was eager to defy death, to be the captain of his own ship and roam the seas. Jack was a free man, pushing the envelope as far as he could. But life caught up with him and Jones sent the message loud and clear, here's a bit of the conversation:" Bootstrap' Bill Turner: Jones's terrible leviathan will find you, and drag the Pearl back to the depths and you along with it! Jack Sparrow: Any idea when Jones might release said terrible beastie? 'Bootstrap' Bill Turner: I already told you, Jack. Your time is up. Bootstrap' Bill Turner: It comes now, drawn with ravenous hunger to the man what bears the Black Spot. "

Why can I relate to this part of the movie so well? Well, in my youthful arrogance I thought nothing could take me down right up to the point Jones messenger showed up calling my name. In the dark depths of my own ship my first response was what black spot? Ah, it would be cancer my dear, is the response I imagine hearing. Well that explains a lot doesn't it? Yep right up until I was marked with the dreaded black spot and told a beastie is after me. ( Isn't this the part where everyone turns in circles beating their chests trying to get rid of the bad mojo? ) Seriously what is all that about anyway? By the time you have a inkling of what is happening you're running about, hands flapping , hair blowing and feet moving faster than your body all while acting like a complete lunatic.

As I sat down to watch these movies over the weekend with my boys I can truly say I saw my life on the screen before me in a whole new light. When Jack says, " Death has a way of reshuffling one's priorities." I felt the truth of it in my bones. Living in the wake of breast cancer I have had to rearrange all my priorities. Looking back I have given up some dreams, passed on an indulgence or two and tossed aside many rum bottles along the way. But... I have found treasure all the same in the many new friends and the family I have grown closer to as my life has indeed been reshuffled these last three years.

A pirates life for me? All together now, " yo ho yo ho, a pirates life for me". Hum... humor, drama and action all wrapped up together, that's me alright! Well OK maybe my life is not so exciting as all that but the truth is I have spent the last three years running from this Jones fella and his terrible beast. I have fought many swashbuckling battles trying to avoid this slimy beast but no matter what I have done this beastie has continued to haunt me through the years. With her menacing growl on my heels I have been beaten and left battered and bruised many a day but I have always come up with both feet on the ground. I have learned to hope, to cope, to live, to reach and to survive these last three years. I have held true to courage never forgetting the heading before me. As Jack says, " That's the trick, isn't it? To survive?" But is it really? Just to survive I mean? I for one feel as if my anchor is drifting. I want to keep sailing ahead, but I am dangerously close to running adrift. I can see the rocks ahead, I can feel the chard's inching closer and for once I am scared I do not have the strength to stay the course.

If you had asked me just six months ago if I would have thought about diving into the black depths, I would have shouted the loudest NO I could muster. I am a fighter, a survivor, a go to the ends of the world, bring them back kind of girl. I would have taken the deck and rallied my mates to pull full speed ahead with bravery and courage. I would shout as Elizabeth Swann does in the last and final movie, "You will listen to me! LISTEN! The other ships will still be looking to us, to the Black Pearl, to lead, and what will they see? Frightened bilgerats aboard a derelict ship? No, no they will see free men and freedom! And what the enemy will see, they will see the flash of our cannons, and they will hear the ringing of our swords, and they will know what we can do! By the sweat of our brow and the strength of our backs and the courage in our hearts! Gentlemen, hoist the colors! "

Yes, I have made the call to hoist the colors, pink and white, as they are. I have walked the last three years with a skull and crossbones adorned with a pink ribbon upon my scared chest. I have pushed the final mile with both a mighty mob and with a crew smaller in number than the year before but always, always I have stood, answering the call. Until this last week that is... This last week has found me chained aboard my own sinking ship. Why has it come to this? I do not know, but it has and I am left with a choice to make. Do I go down with the ship, sink beneath the waves down to the ocean floor? Or do I gather what strength I have left and face this beast? Just like Jack, covered in the beast's mucus, think maybe this isn't so bad and in those final moments wipe away all her sludge and slim from my face and simply acknowledge this cancer with a smile saying " .'Ello, beastie" with my sword drawn?

Oh I hope so, I really do for this new chart brings with it not just pain and uncertainty but a new heading. So I will fight, I will hold the course. How can I do anything but? I am a fighter, a survivor and after signing aboard the Pink Pearl, I must agree with one Will Turner "No course is lost if but one fool is left to fight." I guess I am that one fool....

Christina