If the Bra Fits....

If losing a breast seems like a nightmare, well the process of gaining it back is just plain hilarious.

Seriously when I first lost my breast to this cancer I was in shock. I was young, full of vitality and plenty of cleavage! I wasn't Ms. Hottie or anything like that but I was confident in my very own over flowing feminine boobie cleavage. Yep, that's right I said it, boobie cleavage.

Life was really good, then I inadvertently bought a ticket aboard the uniboob express. Let me tell you the path my life took afterwards changed forever. I have been buckled in tight with my nails dug into the upholstery ever since.

Three years after losing my breast I have not fully completed the process of re- building my breast. I have the makings of a nice, new, firm, happy breast yes, but not all the bright shiny parts just yet. So to say this train is overdue is an understatement.

I have been down this road, taken more detours than I would like to admit and tried my best to figure out which turn to take next. Inevitably I keep ending up at the same impasse with no real direction. After all this time you would think I would be tired of this loop dee loop by now.

From time to time I have those days when I find myself sitting on the bed wondering what on earth I have gotten myself into. Seriously I can stand in front of a mirror for 10 minutes trying to figure what is wrong with "this" picture. My top is lop sided and my shoulders seem tilted...then it hits me...oh...that's right Christina, you have only one and a half boobies left!Believe me I have become an old pro at fixing things when this dilemma pops up. It's just a matter of tucking here, covering there and suddenly all my scars and imperfections are gone to the naked eye. Really it's no problem, I just move out of habit anymore. In the end I always seem to find myself walking over to my closet and grabbing a sweater in the middle of July. The layered look is still in right or did it go out in the 80's?

My husband would say I look hot? Hum... sure I do. But between you and me it's not the 'hot mama' kind, of hot. Nope I'm talkin' the kind of hot where sweat pours down your back and you beg for water kind of hot! Does this deter me? By no means because by the time I am fully dressed at least I don't look lop sided right? OK so mama said there would be days like these, but did she seriously mean this kind of a day?

So right about now I just have to stop and laugh. What else can I do with such an absurd reality? Life in the uniboob lane is rather fast, sometimes painfully slow but mostly ridiculously laughable. What else would you do? Sure you could cry, scream, stomp around and bang your fists into the wall but really how is all that going to help you get through the craziness? In my corner of this crazy little world laughter is the best medicine.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I can hear Faith Hill's "Baby let's go to Vegas" tune playing to my own parody..." Hey baby let's go to boobie land, take a chance on chemo and a mastectomy...hey baby let's go to boobie land, we'll take a ride on the uniboob express and grab some new cleavage as we say goodbye.." I know craziness but without a touch of it I could not, would not, be able to survive life with breast cancer.

OK now go ahead and pull your jaw back up. You want to know how am I a winner in all of this hullabaloo? Well in the winners corner of whack- a - boobie I have to say I can finally fit into my pre -baby bras. Yeah baby! Can't be a bad thing right? Just a few weeks back I grabbed one without realizing what prize I had in my hands and was shocked to be able to wear something so cute again. Seriously as I stood there I was no longer falling out, stuffing myself back in and squeezing my eyes shut biting my lip as I struggled to hook the back of the darned thing.( I know this is way too much information but hey the blog title is " The Uniboob Club"!)

As the seconds passed in slow motion I didn't know whether to be pleased and jump up and down like a silly school girl or to cry and throw myself into my pillow. I took the first route and just gawked with my mouth wide open standing there for a few minutes stunned. I was just waiting for the spot light and music to follow until Johnny stared at me with his "what in the world is wrong with you" look on his face. I just grinned back at him and thought to myself well if the bra fits....

Christina