Cancer Scars

The Scars of Cancer...

We all have scars physical and emotional. Most of us we tend to hide them away from the sight of others and usually we do a good job of it too . It doesn't matter how big or small they may be, we simply don't want the world to see our imperfections. We don't want to appear to be weak, emotional or unable to carry the world on our shoulders. So we cover our scars up fearful of what the world may think of us. This is the fight I have fought and the battlefront I have lived upon for the last 2 years.

I have been forthright when needed and I have allowed my heart to be broken openly. I have done my best to be as open and honest as possible with my friends and family. But I have also hidden my deepest fears away so as not to burden or scare those that cannot handle the thought of what lies beneath the surface. I have kept myself from being overly exposed keeping this part of my heart, my soul and my body closed to all but a select few. As I have traveled this path, and believe me there are many different paths that one can travel, I have formed many dear friendships. I have come to know many women who are still fighting and sadly many who have lost their fight with this cancer. Some have been completely open and others have been more private with their struggles. But the truth is they all have had to live and yes die with the scars.

This point was never as clear to me as it was as I was sitting in my oncologist office waiting for my check up. I was early and they were running late so I was left with a great amount of time on my hands. I looked all around me and I thought about how blessed I was not to be there for chemo, but for a routine remission follow up. Routine! Ha! Blood work, questions, tests a deep breath and then... all clear for now. The worry, the blessing and then the burden of another four, maybe six months till it all starts again. I found myself thinking too much on all this after I was walked back to the room to again wait. I was sitting up on the table with my new paper shirt, open to the front so she could examine my breasts. With my scars exposed I sat there and until my eyes caught sight of a book, a pictorial of breast cancer survivors. Tears began filling my eyes as I saw pictures of these brave bold women who had the courage to expose the truth of breast cancer and the scars she leaves behind. These were beautiful, loved and women comfortable with their scars. They were old, young, wives, mothers and grandmothers. They were survivors, they were heroes and they wore their scars with pride!

The truth is that the scars left behind from breast cancer are life altering, dark, and bigger than life. They are scars that go everywhere with you. They are with you when you wake up in the morning, when you shower, face the mirror, put a swimsuit on and when you go to bed every night. There are times that you want to just give up and give in. There are nights that you just want to give into the darkness, and turn your back on the sunrise. Yes, I have been there. I have felt abandoned and fearful. I have struggled with pulling myself up and out of bed. I have wanted to just forget the fight, sink deep inside my own prison and stay there indefinitely. I have dressed myself looking into the mirror at my Frankenstein breasts and truly wanted to run out of the house screaming down the road. But the truth is that those moments have strengthened me. These scars are not pretty and yes they do go deep scaring your soul as well. But that does not mean that you are a walking angry zombie. No it means that you live with cancers sting, you accept her ability to challenge your mortality but you do not allow her to crush your spirit ever!

I can say with all honesty that these scars are terrible as they are a constant reminder of your greatest moment of devastation. Yet they are also reminders of your ability to endure the beast. I have watched my body go from young, womanly and free of disease to leave me a bruised, butchered and stitched together woman that it is now. Still, I am not ashamed of my body, my fight or my scars. Looking back I would say that my scars have freed me to live, to be me and not to be afraid of being comfortable in my own skin! These scars of mine are visual reminders of my dance with the beast. I can say now that I am not ashamed of cancers furry or her claw marks across my breasts. No I am humbled to stand among all her survivors and wear her scars as a badge of honor!

Christina